Crumbling

11:38pm Wednesday night in bed. The facade/image I crafted has crumbled. I am still the captain. But a large swath of self identity tastes sour. I envisioned myself a respected resource. I feel like a naive fool. I envisioned myself focused. I feels disjointed. I envisioned myself as trusted. I feel disrespected. Ironically it is complaints about other people’s behavior that destroyed me. That didn’t do their job well but I am taking it all on me. I am owning it. I am crumbling while they stupidly blindly fuck up and just float on. I am at the familiar crossroads. I want to give up. Admit defeat. It is easier than staying. Than trying to fix. I just flit. Run off to the next thing. Note: My energy is turning, getting on top of my feelings. Getting my strength back. I want to succeed. But the counter side of me wants to fail/run away. There is an emotional battle in my chest/heart/gut

Nouwen quote preaching

6:20am Sunday “…preaching means more than handing over a tradition; it is rather the careful and sensitive articulation of what is happening in the community so that those who listen can say: “You say what I suspected, you express what I vaguely felt, you bring to the fore what I fearfully kept in the back of my mind. Yes, yes- you say who we are, you recognize our condition…””

Henri J. M. Nouwen, the wounded healer, pg 39

New perspectives

5:42am Friday. There are many ways I looked at life events the past 14 years that have been negative. I could not appreciate what I had because I grieved other things that I had lost. Moving to Arizona has changed my perspective. I am more focused on work. I have an identity as a boss, leader, captain. I have a healthier understanding of relationships. I appreciate being a parent. I am in a happy place. I am blessed. I am thankful for personal growth. I am thankful for the release of emotional frustration.

Monastery

One of my favorite places in the world is the Holy Trinity Abbey in Huntsville, Utah. Holy Trinity Abbey was a Trappist Monastery that closed in 2017. I would often drive out there and sit in the chapel. The silence of the place was powerful. When it closed I felt a piece of me die. This morning in the Ogden paper I read a group is raising money to purchase the land and place a permanent conservation easement on it. I texted my mom. She was the one who showed me the monastery back in the days when they made their own honey and bread to sell in the gift shop.

On another note. The pews at the chapel were bought by a Greek Orthodox Church in salt lake. I want to go visit that church to see them again.

I always planned to do a weekend retreat in Huntsville but never did. My first job at the state hospital doing clinical pastoral education we did a field trip and met with the brothers. Lots of great memories of the monastery.

Realization

what I once saw as a strength has become a liability. I wasn’t afraid to let go and leap into the unknown. While this has given me many friends, adventures, experiences, money and titles it has not afforded me stability or true sustained growth. At the beginning of 2021 I see what I need to personally work on to become better

Solitude

Given the choice I would rather not engage with people in a direct way. I like people, I want to help others have a better quality of life but I am not an outgoing gregarious guy that thrives on human interaction.

I noticed reading my post from yesterday that I am not like Joanne so why strive for something that doesn’t make me comfortable? I need to find a way to help in my own unique way

Why and how

https://www.theringer.com/nfl/2020/12/17/22179946/why-are-the-chargers-cursed

Quotes from author Nora Princiotti about psychic Joanne Gerber

“She sees her work as providing people with information about their lives that can help them make more meaningful decisions for themselves. Ultimately, her work is about empowering people.”

“Some people just feel like the whole world is deciding what their fate is going to be and that’s just not true. It’s amazing how many people live their life like that. We have to realize the post of our own being, the light within us,” Gerber said.

We are all going to walk this path and ask the questions. I offer my services as a friend and confidant on the journey.

The question a I ask is, “What gift, talent or experience gives me the credentials to be of service?”

Evolution

My first couple of jobs were rewarding. I liked the sense of identity, the purpose and lifestyle having a job afforded me.

When I was younger I liked being a student. I graduated from high school and went on to college, even grad school.

At some point I tired of being a student. I wanted to evolve and grow. That is when I got my first job.

After more than a decade of working jobs I strived to take the Next step and evolve again. But what is the next step? Being a student just happened. I was told to go, I liked it and continued. Getting a job took persistence but there were opportunities and I took them. Finding the next step is not so clear. Where do I go, how do I make money, support myself and my family?

Those questions and the answers you live with will be how you spend a majority of your years on this earth.

Transformation

I am beginning to see everyday the process of transformation. 2 1/2 years ago I thought the process would be simple and easy. It has not. I constantly am pulled back to security and comfort in a job that does not provide it. I must let go but many factors, most importantly money keep me stuck in past energy. I am inching toward a new career and existence.

Maze

The first maze is easy. You might be able to see which route to go and quickly solve. The second maze you might have to stop and look but you can see which way to go. The third requires more ability than you possess. What do you do? Usually just pick a route if you hit a dead end back track and go different way. Trial and error.

That is good if we stick with our objective, to exit the maze. But in life we tend to get emotionally attached to our routes. Back tracking, retracing, staying focused on our objective get lost. We enjoy the journey then hit a dead end. We try to bargain, cajole, reach our objective while staying in our dead end.

Bifurcate the maze, color in the negative space, start from finish, left hand right hand trick.