The feeling never changes

5:55am, apartment, chandler, Arizona, Wednesday morning, January 19, 2022. If I wake up at 2am I am frustrated because it is too early to get out of bed. If I wake up at 3am I am frustrated because it is too late to go back to sleep. If I wake up at 4am I am frustrated because I have to get up. If I wake up at 5am I am frustrated I overslept. Why do I act like experience is the cause of my feelings instead of the other way around? The feeling never changes inside me, just my excuse.

Sputtering engine

5:48am, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday morning, January 18, 2022. My energy is like a sputtering engine; it fires intermittently, propelling me forward, until I lose momentum and slow down. When things are going good it fires consistently, when they are bad I go a long time between sparks.

Not a failure, not a victim

3:24pm, office, Phoenix, Arizona, Monday afternoon, January 17, 2022. My ordination was 23 years ago today, January 17, 1999. Good memories; I had just started my career as a chaplain and was full of confidence. What changed? Now I only write about being vulnerable at work or in relationships. Why do I do that? I am not a failure, I am not a victim, nor am I helpless.

Finding Peace

9:31am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday morning, January 5, 2022. Around 4am this morning a feeling of peace washed over me. It was a deep relaxing peace, reminiscent of visiting my parents home in my 20’s. Their house was always a safe haven I could leave to find adventure and, more importantly, always return to when I longed for love and security. Yesterday I lamented the inability to ever feel innocent again. Now I have felt it for almost five hours. It is so rare, I am savoring every minute and dreading when it inevitably goes away.

New Years Day

9:16am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Saturday, January 01, 2022, New Years Day. My family goes back to Orange County today. They planned on leaving at nine but are still asleep. I don’t blame them, we are all tired from staying up late last night. The dog and I went for a walk at six, then drove down the block to fill the car with gas before having coffee and breakfast. I feel weird right now; emotionally indifferent, with no ambition. What do I look forward to this coming year? There is no overarching plan, and that makes me nervous.

Last day of the year

&:11am, lying in bed, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, December 31, 2021, New Year’s Eve. It was raining when the dog and I left for our walk so we spent the morning watching television and working out. It is New Year’s Eve, the last day of the year. I feel anxious and trapped. What is going to happen in 2022? So much energy was expended getting through this year but nothing really changed. I will go to work on Monday as usual. The calendar will say a new month, a new year, but does it matter? My wife negotiated a better position and salary with her organization. “One more year,” she said. Then what? Do the years keep piling up? Do we endure this year so we can get to the next and be thankful we survived? Do we look back and appreciate the journey or do we mourn a time lost forever? We are getting older, eventually the years will pass and we will no longer exist. How do we make the most of the time we have left?

The day of rebirth

9:14am, Thursday. I let go of poisoned energy; failure, stress, loss and embarrassment are evicted from my soul. Today is the day of rebirth.

Space and Place

9:04am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday, December 29, 2021. I wanted to make note of where my mindset is at this particular time. I have noticed, this morning in particular, a change in my energy. There is more of a commitment to create space and place for myself and for other people. That energy has always been present, but not dominant. Now, it is becoming pronounced. I have the ability to create a peaceful space for family, friends and strangers. I am staying in one place rather than wandering. I don’t know what that means precisely, but I am about to find out.

You don’t change unless it is absolutely necessary

8:25am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Tuesday, December 28, 2021. Change only happens when it is absolutely necessary. You don’t choose change, it is forced upon you. That is because the process of change is too hard, the effort too great, the risk too high. Change involves losing as much as gaining and you cannot accept losing something of value unless you have no choice.

A Dark Cloud of Emptiness

7:08am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Sunday morning, December 19, 2021. A dark cloud of emptiness resides in every soul. This cloud causes you to feel sad and alone. You ask, “Why is this cloud here? Where did it come from? How do I get rid of it?” To which there will be no answer. So you dream, scheme, move, change, grow, conquer, rise, fall, love and lose, all trying to eradicate the intruder. But no matter what, you won’t succeed. For life is defined by two things; the adventure you have trying to defeat the cloud, and the nobility you show realizing you never can.