Category: Spirituality

Life Path

5:59am Tuesday morning. Light streamed through slender clouds that signaled the new day’s dawn. And in that moment I realized the beautiful truth; Life was worth living because it was unpredictable. If there was a right path to take in life what then? Time would march forward with dull predictability. There would be no new day. Existence would repeat the same moment over and over until all life was snuffed out in a soulless uninspired end. But a life without a perfectly good path offered something better, a taste of the unknown. Such a journey resulted in more pain but wasn’t that the point? To struggle, to fail, to fall apart only to find the peace so desperately sought? The terrible path if life provided contrast, a dark background of gloom that made happiness so much more vibrant.

Purpose

6:01am Friday morning. The thought entered my mind and found purchase; If in the course of my life I changed one small circumstance would everything be different? Perhaps if I got a job that didn’t suck, or if I changed my living arrangement, would emptiness stop growing inside me? Would I cease feeling alone, could I release negative feelings and ultimately reside in peace? The questions swirled around me like detritus and the answers I found were terrible. I couldn’t change the circumstances of my life, I was killing myself for nothing and when my time came I would disappear without acknowledgement from an unforgiving world.

Wednesday morning

5:45am Wednesday morning. And if I were to let go, reclaim my identity from the past, what then? I would still be a collection of thoughts, inside a certain body, living in a certain time, bound to die a yet unforeseen death then wiped from the earth like leftover crumbs from last nights dinner. I will always be who I always am until I exist no more.

Office

9:32am Tuesday, at the office. Perhaps that is the point, to challenge myself everyday where I can barely tolerate it. Just like pleasure is fleeting so too is the struggle. To face adversity every day is just as valuable as finding joy. If i were not challenged I would be useless and dead. If I did not have joy I would have no reward. Everything flows in endless loop and must be experienced over and over. There is no perpetual, just moments.

Friday morning

5:43am Friday morning. I came to realize I was in the system, a flow that shaped my existence. Whether contrived or natural I did not know. All I knew was my place and interaction with the system up until now. In my youth I was languidly passive . I wanted experiences. I partook in the rituals the system offered. Sports, dates, school, jobs, vacations. As I became older I vowed to conquer the system. To find one thing I excelled at and to rise to the top of my game. But now I realized I was not going to conquer anything. And with that what was I to do? Then it came to me. What my purpose was. All my frustration led to this moment. I was to cleanse the system. Not all of it, but the one piece I could. The one representative of my failure. I may not conquer the system but I can do my part to remove a malignancy. And wasn’t that a beautiful purpose in and of itself?