Category: Spirituality

Thursday morning

Thursday morning 5:31am. Did I spend most of my life anxious, worried, wondering what I was missing, what I didn’t have, when I should have been enjoying what was right in front of me? All the peace I ever felt was when I existed in a moment. When a specific time and place shone so bright it blocked my overactive mind from wandering. Should I search for circumstance that affords me such happiness? Can I control my thoughts and make any situation so pure? Or is there only divine convergence of situation and person that creates such a thing? Perhaps beautiful moments exist only because some ethereal being loves me, wants me to be happy and grants me a time when all feels right with the world.

Thursday morning

5:43am Thursday morning. Could I ever deconstruct my life and rebuild it along a path of happiness? Years ago I chose adventure and responsibility, changing careers, becoming a parent. If i had chosen another life would my regrets be different? Who is to say one choice was better than the other? Who can judge my decisions as somehow flawed? Day by day, moment by moment I took course until I ended up at this very spot. Perhaps next week, next month, next year, I will reflect on this time just the same, and in those moments of respite I wonder why I did what I did and lament or celebrate the memory.

Wednesday morning

6:16am Wednesday morning. And that there was always a fire burning in my chest, imploring me to rush on, to get up again, to fight on long after the battle was through. and was that not the point of life? To mindlessly press forward? To believe things would be better tomorrow, when 10,000 yesterday’s had proved it untrue? What was I supposed to do but to do it all over again?

Monday morning

5:52am Monday morning. There was no perfect existence. I did the best I could in any given circumstance. Whatever the case I remembered that time with fondness or I did not. If the moment was powerful the memories were haunting and pure. If the moment was not particularly good the memories were forgotten or seldom brought up.

Sunday afternoon

12:56pm Sunday afternoon, Palm Desert. The marine layer chilled the air coming off the ocean. A took my jacket from the trunk and put it off then began walking. By the time we crested the hill I was hot, so I took the jacket off and carried it in my hand. My mind thought about past Sunday’s, and what I would rather be doing other than walking at that moment. I concluded there was nothing I would rather be doing, and there was no place I would rather be.

Saturday morning

8:32am Saturday morning, Palm Desert. What did it matter in the end? Regardless of the life I lived I seldom if ever made a choice. Rather, events transpired, circumstances occurred and I was presented a new life to accept. I was never the force but rather the object acted upon. Unknown energy pushes me and I rationalize my fate.

Wednesday

5:29am Wednesday. When I started my walk I noticed the faint odor of a skunk coming from the East. It had been there every morning this week. I assumed the animal must be hurt or dead. That got me thinking about life. My dad has been gone fifteen years. Did he live the life he wanted? Did it matter? My brother died five years ago. My mom still has his stuff. Lately she has asked me if I want it. When is a mother ready to let go of her son? When is a son able to let go of his father?