8:28pm watched my daughter perform in zombies. They set up a camera in the theater so people could watch. She had a big role. So proud of her. I enjoy watching her act.

5:43am Tuesday, I am feeling less run down. Still a little achy but I can go to work. I would rather drive. Go see my daughter. Go to wyoming. Even go to Nebraska. I feel a peace that I accomplished something. I savor that feeling.

5:30am Monday, feeling run down. Checked my schedule. One meeting. I will stay home. Five months ago my world changed. I lost my job and income. Friday was a milestone. It was the length of time I was at the previous job. The day was important to me. Getting past Friday proved I could survive. I feel relief. Peace. Exhaustion.

12:01pm driving back. Made it to palm desert. Had a great day yesterday. Took care of the registration problem with my car. Or at least have a key piece of the solution. Went shopping with my daughter. Went out with her and her friend. Took the dog for a walk, got coffee then drove around. I passed a vaccination site just as it was opening. They said walk ins were welcome. Took the hem up on their word. 45 minutes later I walked out vaccinated. Did some shipping m. Hit the road. Drive has been smooth so far. Going to get gas and get back at it.

8:31am made it to palm desert. Got donuts and coffee in the way. Almost finished the audiobook I have been working on the last couple of trips. New music cd. Not very good. A little cold and windy. Nice for a change.

3:30am getting ready to leave for Orange County. Lockdown restrictions are easing. Mask mandates are going away. Social distancing is not necessary. Things are going back to “normal.” news articles about the struggle to re adapt have shown up. I changed over the last year. I was in the field for work. I couldn’t stand being in an office. Now I like being in an office. I used to crave being alone. Now I despise it. I loved being home. Now being home is punishment. I came out of lockdown a different person. The biggest change is my work attitude. I used to see problems as things to eradicate. I needed to solve issues and find peace. I no longer believe that. problems are the job. Dealing with them. Mitigating them. Completing the mission. I am the captain of the ship. I am on a mission. Problems/issues arise. I deal with them. I navigate the course. I accomplish my objective. Life is easier embracing challenge.

8:12pm just writing a night time post. Haven’t done one for a while. Haven’t really delved into thoughts or feelings for a while. But it is good. I am not feeling anxious. I am happy with life right now. Going to sleep. Getting up early you go to Orange County

5:34am The past is in the past. I am tired of only having relationships with ghosts. I look ahead. I see the future. All that exists is what is in front of me, not behind. Tomorrow I go to California to see my daughter. They have been sick so I am staying in a hotel. The circumstances are a little awkward. I am a guest in my wife’s home when I visit. If she doesn’t feel well I don’t have the ability to say, “Too bad, I am coming anyway.” I got a good price on a hotel so it is probably best.

6:00am Came back from the gym this morning around 5:24am. As I was walking toward my building I noticed a guy in work out clothes going up the steps. I didn’t recognize him but didn’t think much of it. As I got to the stairs he came back down. When I got to my door there was a “Notice of Pending Investigation” in my door jamb. I assume he put it there. It was just a business card with a case number and contact number. I don’t plan on calling it. If it was my old house and I had lived there some time I would be a little concerned. Since I have been here only three months I don’t think it is for me. But you never know. The WIL. Her husband. But putting a note in my door would be the most inefficient way to contact me. He knows my phone number. They could just call me. Stay tuned. A little drama in my life that is not work.

6:02am there is a feeling inside me. Of cherishing the time of being a chaplain in utah. It vibrates just below my heart, deep inside my trunk. When I try to (grab it? Pull it to the surface, submerge into it?) the inability to be “in” it again causes physical distress. My ribs crunch up, a scorched rock sticks in my throat. It is my favorite moment but I can never have it again. It just sits inside me. I am thankful it still exists in some way. I cry because it is gone forever.