6:51pm back home. More focused at work today. Stayed in the moment. Stayed present in relationships/interactions. Not trying to come home and be alone but engaged in the time I was with people.

7:44am in my office at work. what is excellence? When I was the chaplain I was validated by the number of patients the organization served. That desire to care for as many people as possible drew me to sales. In operations I still seek validation through number of patients. I am passionate. I am focused. All my energy is directed toward that goal. Yet it is not working. The number of patients we serve is down. It is like being a football coach. The goal is to win games. have one goal. Every coach has the same expectation . Some are successful, some are not. I have failed to “win” so many times. I have had so many jobs. I keep trying. I am tired of “trying”. I want to succeed

I am still contemplating the idea of being known, having an audience. Every relationship I have is for myself. To entertain me. I am the only audience I consider. Interactions with other people are trinkets I take back to my isolated cave. I relive them. I cherish or resent them. I endure them. They are scenes that get reviewed when I have time.

I am home, getting ready for work. I am enjoying my thoughts about life. I look at the clock. I have to shower. I brace myself. I will be at work for ten hours. The feeling is like going to the gym to do intense cardio. I need to do it, I want to do it. It will be exhausting. But the payoff will be valuable. With work the payoff is money, interactions, getting to be a leader, identity. With cardio it is feeling and looking better

5:59am I inhabit the world I create. My feelings are inspired by my interpretation of events. The news I enjoy reading almost exclusively comes from utah. The salt lake tribune, the standard examiner, city weekly, slug. There is that world and there is my world. My job. My family. My finances. My home. I create a world I live in. A world others can enter. I create a domain. A space.

4:32pm looked up flights, hotels, rental car like I used to before last year. Before things ended with the WIL. Before pandemic, lock down hell. I always thought it was a matter of time before things got better for the WIL and I. We would see each other more often. Spend more time together. Go on trips. Have adventures. No matter what we would always have each otherTurns out I was wrong. October of 2019 was a fun time together. Probably best I didn’t know it would be the last time I would see her.

8:45am I have tried many things in my life. I have failed often. I have been resilient. What do I want to try next?

7:59am I spent my whole life pretending I was famous. Or wishing I was famous. Trying seemed too hard.

Why does everyone want to be famous anyway?

12:19am I had a dream I was with the WIL’s family. Spending time with them at a large gathering. Playing with the boys. Even her husband was there. It felt awkward. Yet it was accepted I was now part of the family. The WIL was there but she could not or would not talk to me. I just played with the boys while everyone watched.

At work my attitude is 100%. My passion is 100%. My commitment is 100%. My effort is 100%. I am all in. This job is my soul focus in life. Yet year over year We are tracking lower than last year. When they had no consistent leadership. In the middle of lockdown.

6:47pm busy day. Not much time to think. Good day. The less I think the less anxiety I experience

7:35am slept in. Didn’t go for a walk or workout. Wearing a new shirt from the subscription service. It feels too young a style for me. Probably is. But better than old tired dress shoes, dress pants, dress shirt. It is a Monday. I accept the suck of the day. Makes the enjoyment of the week and the beginning of the weekend better. just part of life to endure.

Thinking of my brother this morning. “She talks to angels” by the black crowes was on the radio. We drove around and listened to that album when we went to school in Nebraska together. May makes me think of the end of semesters in college. Loading up my car, driving across Nebraska and wyoming to get home so I could see my friends. Deliver pizzas over the summer. Good memories