6:11am. I have to remember to note time and place. Even a little background. I just spent 25 minutes in the uncomfortable camping chair, hunched over my ten plus year old computer, translating posts to a word document. My back and shoulders are sore. I got paid today. Transferred money to savings. First time doing that in a while. I still have thousands of dollars in debt. Tens of thousands. I could make a a bigger pay down. But I am going to keep cash on hand a little longer. It costs me carrying debt and keeping cash but it keeps me flexible. I have resources if needed.

I am 49. If I haven’t developed a narrative in my life by now I probably won’t. If my life doesn’t have a narrative my blog posts likely won’t either. I find my life amusing. Perhaps others will too. I want everyone to read my thoughts. I don’t want anyone to read them.

5:20am There is very little narrative to my thoughts. I barely finish a thought before I move on to another. There is not point. The largest narrative I have is to keep my head down and work this job until the end of the year. That is the longest thread. Work hard. Be engaged. Focus. Lead. Captain every day. Get the ship to port January 2022.

I had a good workout. Ride the recumbent bike. Did squats. Bench press. Flies. Tri ceos. I had a pump. I felt good. Then I saw myself in the mirror. I have a launch. My shoulders are rounded. Years of sitting at desks. Loss of muscle. Ineffective workouts. They take their toll. Getting older sucks

318 am laying in bed. About to get up. Chandler Arizona I dreamed about friends visiting. They had given me many gifts. One was an antique apholstered bench and had a musical organ folded underneath. If you wanted to play you moved the bench and assembled the organ. I didn’t recognize who the friends we’re a man and woman. A couple. They had given many gifts to set up my home.

I dreamed about a basket that was computer generated. There was a flaw. In trying to make it realistic the basket became tedious to create. Though the item was practical it was seldom used because it had to be crafted over many hours strand by strand.

I dreamed about riding a bike high into the mountains south of my hometown in wyoming. A storm was cominf in. I would get wet and cold. I thought I should take a jacket.

There were two other parts. I forgot them as I wrote these down. Why did I have the dreams! Why am I compelled to share them? Can I recall them if I don’t record them instantly? Dreams are fleeting

3:34am when trying to recall the two elements of the dream I remembered two dreams I had many months ago. One walking up a hill in what stood for my hometown. The other driving through a canyon. Both dreams involves steep grades and roads cut into sides of mountains. Interesting those were locked in my brain and could be resurrected

7:53pm my mom has a bad renter in a unit in Wyoming. We talked about it tonight. The shit I have seen from bad employees makes this easy. I was giving my mom advice. She was having a hard time not getting emotional. I told her to call me. I will talk to the renter. My mom seemed relieved. She is too nice to deal with this bullshit. I usually am too nice as well. Arizona captain leader energy has changed me. I like me in Arizona. I wish I could have found this energy 10 years ago. I would have had a lot more fun. I would dread a situation like this last year. Now I relish it.

7:38 I am a bad husband. Possibly the worse and still be considered a husband. I should have been dumped long ago. Is that an indictment on me or my wife?

A colleague confided in me. She told me some issues with her husband. They are separated. He comes over on weekends. He doesn’t clean. He doesn’t pick up. He doesn’t help. He watches tv, eats take out and drinks. The neighbors think he is an asshole. Her words. He has another house with his ex-wife. I was sympathetic. I nodded. I gave incredulous looks. She probably thinks I am a nice guy. Or a halfway decent husband.

In my mind I was thinking about my wife. The stories she could tell about me. I can’t even catalog how absurdly bad I am. Cheating. Affairs. Drinking.

I tried to have it all. My wife. My daughter. A safe home. A secure job. Those things require sacrifice. Instead i acted selfish. I didn’t appreciate my marriage. I fell in love with another woman. I thought I could balance them both. I lost them both.

I drink. My make dangerous choices. I use people. I am a taker. If I give pleasure it is happenstance. Not design. I am a bad husband to my wife. I am pretty bad with relationships as a whole.

I finished Mornings with Henri J.M. Nouwen. I started reading Helmut Thielicke’s Out of the Depths. Thielicke was my dad’s favorite theologian (who is yours?) I could never get into Thielicke growing up. Very dry. Dense. German. But I started reading the first sermon. I am gleaning appreciation.

He wrote in the time of World War 2. Growing up Germany was always the enemy. I never looked at the suffering as universal

“There are many among us who have lost everything and who will find it hard to erase from their minds the horror they have suffered and the collapse of their individual world. And even if they do, they cannot blot out the specific question which we see whenever we look into their wounded and tortured eyes, the question, “Why?”

“In all our misfortunes and catastrophes our deepest human instinct compels us to as who the guilty ones are… we have to raise the startling and insistent question, Why? An obscure feeling forces us to do so.”

“This little word “why” is no torrent of speech. It is only a little drop of three letters. Yet it can cause mortal injury to our souls.”

Thielicke points how (as a christian pastor) how Jesus as a teacher does not take the bait on the question why. Rather he answers “so that…” in order that” by putting the question in a larger context it liberates us from up/down good bad judgement and immerses us in part of a larger meaning and plan.

I woke up at 3:30 this morning. Actually closer to 2:30. I got out of bed at 3:30am. I had a good rest. Slept through the night from 8pm until 2:30. On my walk I struggled to loosen up. I couldn’t get comfortable. Folding myself into an office chair ten hours a day tightens everything up. Coming home and sitting on a camping chair doesn’t help. Then sleeping on an 8 inch foam mattress on the floor seals the deal. I am too old to live like a 19 year old. 30 years ago this was an adventure. Now it is painful.

Next time I move I am renting the truck. Hiring movers to pack it then driving it myself then hiring more movers to unpack. This is ridiculous. The moving company tried to add almost 30% to the original quote after packing the truck. They said 2 to 5 days to deliver. After they pack the truck they say 15 to 30 days. Or even 30 to 45! They have had my furniture for three and a half weeks. I called them the day before yesterday. The guy totally was blowing me off. “Oh yeah, I was just looking at that file.” “Where is it going?” “I will call you back by the end of the day.” I asked him if he had my contact information. I doubt he even bothered to write it down. I will call again today.

Southern California work energy is “we are the best. We only hire the best. Prove you are the best or you are gone.”

Arizona work energy is “we have work to be done. We need someone competent and willing to step up. Will you do it?”

My energy. My talents. My personal perspective is more Arizona.

I feel appreciated. I feel energized. I want to work hard and make a difference. In Arizona I am valuable. In Southern California I am replaceable

Are my thoughts as shallow as my writing? I barely string cohesive paragraphs together. Is that how long I think about a subject before flitting to the next topic?

I am bored. at work. It is noon. I had calls all morning.8am until almost 11am. I have a call at 1pm. Another at 3pm. I would rather be at work than home. Or anywhere else. I am old. I can’t think of anything to do except work, eat, sleep. I used to want to be anywhere except work. I could think of a thousand things to occupy my time. Now being bored at work is the only option besides sitting around and cycling on unproductive thoughts. This past weekend really depressed me. I looked forward to relaxing, watching gold. Sipping a cocktail. I did all that stuff. Yet the experience left me feeling empty. I can’t have free time any more. I don’t appreciate it