8:13am I can’t quantify a time as better. There were good moments. There were bad moments. This is a good moment. I feel dialed in at work. Place relationships all are shadowed by purpose. I never found good purpose at work in California. Consequently the memories are not emotionally strong. I have vision. Leadership. Passion. Strength in Arizona. I feel better about every aspect of my life.

When I was younger leadership was something desired because it meant prestige. Power. Set apart.

It is a role. Just like any other. Being a good leader means a lot of people can find purpose and happiness in my world. Employees. Patients. Families. Referral sources. I have an energy that glows. Others can use that many ways. I am positive. Strong. Radiant. Happy. My energy is glorious.

9:14pm I found the gear I waited thirteen years to find. to be confident of success. To know I will be successful. To know how. For years, decades, I felt I was successful, could be successful not now confident how. Today the light bulb went in. Piggy backing on an earlier post from this week where I talking about watching expenses and making money. The making money part was vague. It takes work, tenacity on the marketing and admissions Sid. It is working when others don’t want to. Pushing things through not just Monday through Friday. The light build has gone one. Now I am doing it

1:37 pm my family has come to visit. My daughter, wife and dog are here. Having people in the apartment changes the dynamics. So much more fun and energy. I like being alone. But it is nice to have company

In 2013, while working in Modesto, California I was deeply depressed. Probably the most depressed I had ever been. Early this year I was shorting out and breaking down but it wasn’t depression. Modesto was heartbreaking. My daughter was 4 years old. I had just moved to California and the job that brought me went bad quickly (I should have known from the start…) To cope with the depression I would write essays. In fact, the best essays I wrote were during that time. But I had to stop writing. I felt broken inside. The writing was a way to cope. To get the feelings out of me and onto the page. However it had the opposite effect. I was the Vice President of Sales and Marketing for a large non-profit hospice. I needed to be present and engaged. Being depressed and then expending so much mental effort into my depression became even more unbearable. I had to get out of my head and re-enter the ‘real’ world. What I thought was a coping mechanism was creating a vicious circle. In order to survive reality I needed to dampen my inner dialogue. I think of that lesson when I look back over the past three months of journal entries. I am aware I am the star and author of this story. The script I give myself is what I will live. That is why there has been a turn from delving into thoughts of madness to more empowering words. Choosing is not enough. The change in circumstance has allowed me to be more positive. I am thankful. Phoenix is the first time since I can remember in adulthood (15 years and older) that I am fully engaged in the reality of who I am. Inner me is aligned with outer me. In high school I hated school and dreamed of being a rock star. In College the same. In seminary I barely got through class and dreamed about being a writer. Even working as the Hospice Chaplain I dreamed about finding my true place as a writer and thought leader. I am the boss. I am in charge. I am the center of attention. I am charismatic. I am no longer those things solely in my mind. But in the world. It changes my attitude about how I drive, how I dress. How I walk. I am proud of who I am. I succeed everyday.

Phoenix has been a good experience. I feel I can stop running. That the last of my adventure questions have been answered. Before everything blew up last year I pondered moving. I thought about utah but didn’t think I could go back. I thought vaguely of somewhere else but didn’t know where. With Phoenix I now know what somewhere else feels like. That distills multiple questions. I can return to utah knowing what California feels like. What somewhere else feels like. And now I can know what coming home feels like. I am not in a hurry. I had a similar situation after college and seminary returning to wyoming. Going back to Utah might not be the final spot for me. But at least in the coming years, at some point, I believe I can work/live in utah one more time. I can go home

When I was the chaplain the problem was there was too much work and I would be overwhelmed. Patient visits, consents. I was tired trying to keep up with the workload. In sales the opposite occurred. I could not generate enough work load. I liked the first problem better. I need to embrace that work energy and deal with the busyness more

6:16am there is no reason not to have an inflated ego. To be brash and proud. I am the center of attention. It is all about me. I am strong, charismatic, proactive. Energizing. Fascinating.

I am stuck on the WIL I can’t move forward but I don’t feel I can ever be with her again. To truly be happy is to fall in love and be energized by someone else.

I want to move on because I feel she has but I can’t pretend I don’t want her or need her more than any other woman ever

Awkward addendum: today is my wife and my 22st wedding anniversary

I went out and did marketing on my own today.I like marketing when the energy is not direct. Marketing as a chaplain. As a director. Marketing as a marketer is garbage

On the drive to work the radio hosts were discussing the most searched drinks in every state. They mentioned Utah was a lime Rickey. Those are what the WIL and I drank on days we would spend together. Ice, grape soda, lemon lime soda, lime juice, vodka.

6:30am sleep was restless last night. I am not surprised. I have a stressful situation with a person at work. Until that is resolved I will feel uneasy. I dreamt about domestic terrorists trying to board a bus at a popular amusement park. They were fun over, shot and electrocuted with devices that looked like shock collars for dogs. I woke up at 1:30am and went back to sleep and had another dream about someone trying to forcefully enter a bus and was turned away violently. I dreamt I went to see the WIL at her house. She was indifferent to me. Her husband came downstairs and shot me eight times in the stomach. I drove myself to the hospital. I didn’t die. The dream just ended.

I continue to worry about job security. I fear I will sabotage the situation even if it is good.

Change the script: I am the leader. I am the best. I am in control. I am strong. Confident and powerful.