I am overcome with a sense of peace and closure. I had to leave utah nine years ago to prove something, accomplish something. Orange County was a great place to go. I always wanted to live in Southern California. But I always felt like the experience was out of control. I feel paroled. I did what I needed to do as a young man about to turn 40. Now I want to rebuild my life in Arizona as an adult that just turned 49.

3:41pm back in Arizona. The move is complete. All my stuff is out. The last part is getting my furniture and boxes from the movers. I am not a materialistic person but I feel secure surrounded by my stuff. I needed to move out of that house years ago. It was travel and long days away from home in the beginning. Then for the last four years it was going into debt to pay for a lifestyle I could not afford. The events of this year jarred me free. I rescued my sanity and my belongings. We are in a safe place.

The Arizona boss energy is the biggest asset I have. If you want to change how you feel you have to change how you feel. That sounds pedantic. But it is important. I found a new energy. yet I keep wanting to slip back into old energies that didn’t work. I wanted to change. I succeeded. It is like wanting to be a millionaire. Someone shows you how. But you don’t want to do it because you want it done your way. I found exactly what I am looking for in the Arizona energy but I keep wanting to find it with California energy. That energy was frustrating. This energy is new. It feels unfamiliar. I slip into the familiarity of frustration. I can consciously pull myself back to Arizona boss energy but it takes discipline and effort. Soon it will be natural.

This morning I ordered with my phone. I walked to pick up my drink at 6:45am. When I got there another guy was walking toward the entrance. The door was locked. Even though the app let us order it did not mention the lobby didn’t open until 7am. The other guy got in his car and went through drive through. I didn’t want to walk back to get my car. So I stood outside on a curb and waited for the drive thru person to help someone. I explained the situation. Another employee brought my drink out while the other guy sat in his car a couple places back. I felt that was a small vignette of boss energy. I am confident, assured and solution focused. Going back five blocks to get my car didn’t make sense. Waiting 15 minutes for my coffee to get cold didn’t make sense. I saw a solution and fixed the issue. I was proud of myself

There always has to be a last goodbye…

I have moved out of the unit. All my energy now goes forward.

I don’t want to get too nostalgic. it still feels like leaving a time share. Memories come up of different times. “Remember the time we did this?” “Remember the time this person was with us?” I actually like the romance of leaving. The escapism. I like getting out of this giant rut I have been in with this house. I will miss my morning view though

I took this energy, this house, my approach to work as far as I could. I like my apartment in Arizona. I really like my gym at the apartment. I have my stuff, my gym, my energy. I am the boss there. I am the leader. I am in charge. A year and then I will reassess. The WIL, Arizona. California, marriage, fatherhood, being a son. Owning a house. A lot of things to be answered. For a long time I felt 2022 to 2026 was going to be the focal point of life. I wonder if that will be true…

Yesterday my daughter and I went to get bobo tea. The route we took and the time we took it reminded me of Saturday’s before the pandemic. When I would take her to music rehearsal. While she practiced I texted the WIL, went to the store or watched videos on my phone. The memory was good. Life before the big change. The lockdown really affected me. I tear up remembering how hard it was. The feeling that nothing mattered. That I could not do what I loved. Or the things I could do felt stale. life felt real again.

Since leaving Utah I felt I left the stage where I was a star. I haven’t felt that energy since coming to California. My energy has been retrospective. The WIL stayed behind, stayed in a starring role and I was on the periphery. The last time we were together she was asking if I had ever been with someone else. I could not have that conversation with her. I know she met someone else around 2017. That she emotionally stopped needing me many years ago. She still loved me in her way. She still spent time with me when I came around or reached out to her. But that glorious energy I so fell in love with was given to someone else. Me meeting someone new. Me finding a new starring role are the only remedy.

I feel California isn’t 100% closed. The last twelve weeks have been a whirlwind. Now that the energy is out of this house and the ride is slowing perspective changes. I like Arizona. Is it a new start, a new home, or a reprieve? I knew I needed to get out of Dana point for a while. I knew I needed to get out of this house. But am I permanently gone? My wife has six months on her lease in Dana point. I have a year in Arizona. how spring and summer play out will show what comes next.

Back in oc airport. Waiting for my wife, daughter and dog to pick me up. I spent a lot of time here 2014-2015. It was my home airport. I would wake up around 5:30am every Monday. Drive to the airport, get coffee and do reports until my 8am regional sales call. I would miss the first wave of flights out so I didn’t leave until around 10-10:30am. I haven’t flown out of Orange County airport for years. I would fly out of Long Beach to go back to utah/wyoming or lax to fly east. The terminal is smaller than i remember. Nice to have a pleasant memory re surface. I liked traveling but after a while it got old. Always being somewhere you were familiar but not a resident. The romance gave way to tedium. The orange county airport isn’t too bad with the pandemic. The Phoenix airport was uncomfortable. Not enough space to social distance

My problem is not attitude or effort but ability. Last night I kept thinking how all in I am. I am dedicated to the job. Committed to the company. But do my efforts show up on the balance sheet? Do they flow to the bottom line? End of the month is next week. We didn’t produce the revenue I hoped. I didn’t do any substantial cost cutting. I was busy. There were many issues to address. But in the final score none of that will matter. I didn’t make money. I didn’t save money. That is what I will be judged on. I need to prioritize my activities and project toward the financial future. This month was about learning that lesson. I can get caught up in the Human Resources, the clinical, the billing and feel important. But those can be delegated. I need to control my costs and drive revenue. That is my job

My new boss gave me a book when I started. Actually left a book on my desk. I have been meaning to read it. Just didn’t find the time. I had it in my bag. I started to thumb through it. The concept is simple. A book isn’t magical. It is a credential. Like having a degree. You have an MBA? Check. You have the credentials for certain jobs. You wrote a book? Check. You have the credentials to say you are knowledgeable on a subject. I know about anxiety attacks, self doubt. Lost love. Sex and intimacy

At the Phoenix airport. It feels a little unsafe to be flying. The lyft driver was coughing. Both of us were wearing masks. Not really enjoying the experience. The airport brings back memories of traveling for work. I haven’t seen the outside of the airport much but know the inside very well.

Last night memories of Utah started to pop in my mind. But I didn’t pursue a nostalgia high. I wasn’t in the mood. The question is what do I fill my time with? The memories are emotionally charged distractions. Gives me something to think about. You have to think about something

I don’t think I will be intimate or have sex again. That is absurd to say. And unbelievable even a couple of months ago. But I really don’t care for anonymous shallow grinding with another person. I want intimacy. But I feel I climbed that mountain with the WIL. There is nothing left to discover. And I don’t know if I am a good person to be in a relationship with. Like jobs I tend to have brief experiences in relationships. And in reality if sexy doesn’t mean that much I am already married and have a daughter. Despite all the history I am still married to my wife. I don’t want to live with her again though.

I can’t daydream a future or a past that is magical. This is life. This is the moment. I was thinking of the early 2000’s on the walk this morning. Moving to Valencia. How alive I felt. Moving to Utah. The joy of committing from Evanston for a month. Then getting the apartment in Layton with my dog. I choose to dwell on that memory. I was wielding the Arizona cleaver. Refusing to think about basically 2008 forward. I either need to never think about it again or re write my script. The thoughts and subsequent feelings are absolut trash