6:11am I don’t feel like I was any fun the last thirteen years. Perhaps I view it as I made sacrifices to be a dad. Maybe it was a hangover from the greatest period of my life. Whatever the case the last four years in utah and the nine in California weren’t ones I am particularly fond of.

I realize with the WIL I don’t feel valuable to any woman so I go back to her as a default. That is not attractive.

Life doesn’t get better. That is not a bad thing. Finishing one job just means getting another. There is no finish line. Accepting that can give peace as well as anxiety.

Work is the priority. Creating safe space for any who want to visit or live is the next priority.

Third is being a fun, interesting caring attractive person

I am running out of steam. 6:46pm. Going to go read and go to bed. It was Monday, traveling back and forth every weekend is tiring. And I have my first ops review tomorrow. So I really spent time going over my financials and metrics. I need sleep

I ember in 2002 moving from wyoming to Valencia California. How magical it felt. The time in Valencia lasted exactly 8 1/2 months. Not a very long time at all. My wife lived there for over two months before I arrived and stayed two months after I left. Then she stayed with a friend in Saugus for two more months. We were much more adventurous then. The point is that Valencia felt long and wonderful to a 30-31 year old me. The apartment here in chandler is reminding me of Valencia. Just like Layton last night. Both Valencia and Layton combined lasted just over two years. Two years and three months. If I could just have a Valencia feeling here or a Valencia/Layton ambit of time I would be happy

When I first worked as a chaplain in utah I commuted from wyoming for a month. Then I moved to Layton with my dog tucker. A beagle/blue heeler wyoming ranch dog. I loved being in Layton just him and I. My wife and I were married. She stayed behind in Valencia California until the lease was up three months later. Tucker and I lived a simple life. We went for walks, I worked. He watched the apartment. I came home. We are, read, went to bed and started it all over again. On fridays I took off and returned to wyoming to see my family.

Today felt just like those first days in Layton. Focusing on driving in. Preparing mentally to work. Getting the job done. Then driving home to see my family.

I pray I can have a similar experience to utah in Arizonans it all comes down to the job. If I can be competent. If I am liked. If I can make money. I need to stay two years at the minimum. 11 years maximum. I feel good.

12:09pm made it to palm desert. If yon like your work you will like life, be happy and have less stress. If you don’t like your work life is a struggle. Finding work you like/love isn’t a given. But if you find it you will feel it. You will know. Don’t stop until you discover it

I am at peace with moving. I gave all I had to this town, this neighborhood (we lived in two apartments on the same street in the nine years) this apartment (5 and a half years) I rode it until the wheels fell off. I have no regrets and no remorse. The apartment is interesting. The front rooms, when facing out into the pool area are beautiful. They have a great view and a great energy. When you turn around and face the kitchen and the back bedroom the energy is off. There is a mold issue in the back bedroom which was my daughters room. I am thankful for the time. I appreciate what this place was and is. I bless and release it to the next people that will call it home

7am in Dana point, finishing last of loose packing. On the walk this morning I was thinking about my personal narrative. Especially the Dana point years. The first five and half have perspective and a clean line of ending. June 13, 2017. I did the job tried the career and put it in the past. It is the more recent past. The last almost four years I don’t know what to do with. The undercurrent was I wanted to take the next step, make more money, have more control. The reality was I studied real estate, for my license but never activated it. I looked into insurance and financial products. I sold business consulting in straight commission. I got a job selling healthcare learning management. Then back office skilled. That is the seeker part. I actually don’t mind that. I am not sure what to do with the last two jobs.

The first one in some ways continues the odd sales jobs. It was below my skill level and pay grade. It was front line sales. But it was different in that I had access to company stock, a 401k, a company car. And it was hospice. It opened doors back up for me. Not sure how to frame that. The last job is even harder. On the walk I called it the “murder hornet” of my story. In 2020 with the pandemic and shelter in place there was news of a murder hornet infestation. Many jokes that it was too many bad things happening in one year. that god, or whatever cosmic director is overseeing the plot, should remove the murder hornets from the script. It was just too hard to find a cogent place for them.

I will work on it. It doesn’t stress me out to think about.

The other interesting narrative is Arizona. I am looking at it like a prison sentence. I know that sounds not good but by actually feeling I have no choice. That I am “locked up” it relieves me of the stress of scheming to grow or worrying about how I am perceived. It covers me both ways. It is the same energy as the lease. Signing the lease locked me in where I feel I can’t leave and they can’t get rid of me.

I need to think that I am literally in jail for five years. That I cannot leave Arizona. My mind is so poisoned and fucked up regarding work. I need to de program and re program

4:11pm at work in a Friday afternoon. 9 weeks. That was how long since I was laid off Monday January 4 until Wednesday March 10. When I slowed down and relaxed. Could breathe again after an intense two months. Two months where I almost had a nervous breakdown. The experience has pushed me four hundred miles East to the Arizona desert. I have rewritten my narrative. I was a seeker. Now the new chapter is being written as a leader.

When I finished my calling as a chaplain I became a seeker. I sold my worldly possessions. I traveled. I owned nothing. I worked odd jobs to make ends meet and lived month to month. I lived life open to God’s plan and place. And then I started to write.

For years I did not pick up a pen or a guitar. 12 years of pent up knowledge was now free to race into existence. Now the words flow faster than I can type. Every thought I can think I wrote down. I create a map of my actions and reactions. Find patterns, meaning. I share with others. We compare our experiences. We find happiness and peace together. Collectively we have harmony.