6:21am have been reading Nouwen. Some good excerpts “I can be teaching at Yale, working in the bakery at the Genesee Abbey, or walking around with poor children in Peru and feel totally useless, miserable, and depressed in all those situations. I am sure of it, because it has happened. There is not such a thing as the right place or the right job. I can be happy or unhappy in all situations. I am sure of it, because I have been.” page 28 mornings with Henri J.M. Nouwen

“Constantly I am tempted to wallow in my own lost ness… There are always countless events and situations that I can single out to convince myself and others that my life is just not worth living, that I am only a burden, a problem, a source of conflict, or an exploiter of others time and energy.” Page 34 mornings with Henri J.M. Nouwen

And John Prine “when I woke up this morning, things were looking bad. Seems like total silence was the only friend I had…” illegal smile

There is an employee help line number on the wall at work. I am going to call it. My goal is to get over my mind barriers and reach out for help. I know I am going slow on this but asking for help is a huge step for me.

7:07pm home after dinner. Energy is low. Have been in crisis mode so long. I don’t know how to act when. Don’t feel threatened. Maybe I have drama because I like drama?

They announced a stake of our company was sold today. Changes coming. We will be a part of the new organization. Shouldn’t affect me too much. Never know. Once change about my attitude. In the past I would almost relish major upheaval. It would be a reason to not commit. To have another adventure. This year and the last job changed that. losing a job just means getting another job. This last change almost killed me. I don’t want to find something new.

1:49pm in office at work. My alertness has slowed down. Now I am casually thinking about other things. Thinking about the WIL and our time working together.

6:37am back from walk and working out. There are many thoughts and memories going through my head. I want to explore and honor all of them. But I become overwhelmed. I have to be disciplined in what I think about.

My energy is low. It has been so high for the last two months. Adjusting to normal speed. I have found a new job. This energy is familiar. Staying present. Committing. Being committed to. I oray this is the place I find solid ground

5:30am day three morning. Leaving for a walk. My guard is coming down. The high stress of anticipating a new job and getting started have abated. Now my mind is thinking about larger context, goals, meaning. Normally I would think those are good things. The last two months have scarred me

7:46pm End of second work day. I worked and got home ten minutes before six pm. Ate dinner. Called my mom wife and daughter. Got ready for bed. Read some No Depression. I was busy enough to stay out of my head. No time to over think. To go negative. I resist with as much strength as I have to take the easy path. I will not wallow in feelings sad, sorry or defeated. This is the place I was sent. This is the purpose I was meant to fulfill

7:50am Positive thoughts and self confidence break through like sunshine through clouds. I choose to honor those feelings. Focus.

Second day of work. Boss. Leader. Face of the program.

7am. I am constantly vulnerable. I feel fragile. Like any moment a stray thought could break me. I don’t want to feel vulnerable. How do I address this? Do I acknowledge the feeling? Bless it and let it go? Do I acknowledge all the thoughts that fly like rocks through the air? Try to deflect, avoid or absorb them? Or do I steel my mind to think only positive thoughts? Grit my teeth and ignore negativity?

6:30am My mind is constantly bombarded with thoughts of fear, failure and disappointment. I am consciously aware of the situation. I choose not to overthink. I see the thoughts. I acknowledge them. I let them fall away.

11:48pm What is real? What is true? Is there a direct causal relationship between feelings and experience? Am I a victim or is my perception flawed? Do I put myself in situations where I set myself up for failure? If I am given the opportunity do I take it?

Objectively part of my problem are results. I take jobs that are results oriented. Sales, operations. They are also jobs that require a skill set that fall under “office politics.” the ability to maneuver around situations where your value is questioned. Even challenges. Regardless of results. In my first and last job in California both organizations were at all time highs for census and revenue. The first I was the director of sales. The last the executive director. Results were not the problem. My value to the organization, my contribution, were challenged. I failed to position myself as integral.

This job will be a results position. The program is not in good shape. There is not a clear direction from lack of consistent leadership. There are financial issues. Whether the program thrives, gets turned around, will reflect on my ability and worth to the company.