I worry this is how I look at the world, how I feel. No matter the circumstances I will feel anxious and depressed

Why do I still feel so scattered? I get that I was fucked up in January. I had too much time to think and didn’t have a job. Why am I not excited about a new city? Job? Life? If I don’t want to be here I get to try something different. if I am honest I am scared about failure. The track record proves it. It isn’t necessarily rewarding work. I believe I can be competent but agin-track record…

I need to get out of this house. That is good. I just feel empty. Like I severely wounded animal instinctively crawling to a cave to die. I have cycled into frustrating depression again. I really hope this is just because I keep cycling on existential questions out of boredom. That having a job and those stressors will occupy my mind and keep me a little sane

2:30pm I am sure it is easy to objectively look at my life and see where I went wrong. And suggest what I need to do to fix it. I wish I could be moved like a chess piece to a different position and circumstance. I fucked this one up. Hard

I have so many talents, gifts. I am smart and strong. Get out of transformation mode. These posts, battling depression, anxiety, mental breakdown. This is my ministry. Funny how my energy flows very well when I am in being mode. This is valuable. But it is only in my head. All anyone knows of me is going to move to Arizona and be a director . When I say ministry I imagine St Marks and crisis calls. Hospice. I have waited decades to find my own ministry and a worthy opponent. How do I engage with those in need? Hospice and st marks out me in a situation and I responded. Where is the situation?

Note on sex. Still abstaining. Not even talking to people. Missing intimacy and connection.

12:53pm pumping gas

I need to get back to work. Even if work sucks it is better than over thinking. I am mentally exhausted. My thoughts spin constantly and solve nothing

Lockdown killed a lot of Hope and creativity. Making music, making videos. Things I used to do and distract myself with. Lockdown showed I didn’t really have passion. I was just doing little bits to entertain myself.

Lockdown killed drinking and watching movies. Without something to contrast them against they were just the only option not a choice

10:10am Maybe I learned who I truly was. What I truly value. My wife has increased her income and has been employed with the same company for seven years. She is no happier than I am. I like adventure, my free time, flexibility. I just didn’t realize it was an either/or. I thought I could have it all. Look what I learned just before I turned 49.

9:47am California did not go as planned. I thought after almost ten years here I would have amassed wealth, increased salary, owned a house in Dana Point and would be at the height of my career.

Instead I am moving out of state, have less retirement, less savings, more debt. I make less money than the salary I had when I moved here.

The only thing I can say about California is I tried. I played it until I was absolutely broke. Mentally emotionally and financially. Life is funny. Failure never dawned on me. Diminishing in any way wasn’t on the radar. Not growing as fast or as high might have sounded feasible. But not ruination. I was exposed. I am a bust. At least I tried. I took a chance. I took a risk. I had an adventure. Now the best I can do is eat shit in Arizona and try to piece together a somewhat tolerable stable existence. Damn, I really wish the redemption part of the story would begin. Nine years of scrambling and falling behind has blown. Arizona is an adventure and I have a good job waiting. I just need to change my perspective

9:20am packing for the move. When I focus on new possibilities I am excited. When I focus on old memories I get sad. I am 80% excited/20% sad.

A lot of memories here but it is a dump. I won’t miss the mold. Great location shitty unit.

All morning goi my on my own walk and walking with my mom I keep thinking that I have made my peace with leaving Dana point. I have enjoyed it for nine years. But I couldn’t possibly stay for my sanity or financial well-being. It is never easy leaving but the feeling of having given everything feels as close to liberating peace as possible