I need to let the process play out. Focus for six weeks. Shed this energy, this place. Trust my daughter knows I love her and that I need to go away and get right in Phoenix for a couple months. Get my sanity and my work ethic back. be if value to something larger. It feels cruel and stupid that a part of me believes I was so intent on being a good father and finding a place for her to live I ended up being an unreliable father who couldn’t keep a job and now has to exile for a while to pull my shit together. Phoenix isn’t like Modesto. Modesto was formidable to get to. The drive to and from Phoenix is a straight shot. Modesto I had to drive through Los Angeles county then up the 99 through the Central Valley. It was a long dangerous and exhausting drive. Flying requires doubling back to Sacramento to catch a flight. Phoenix by car and plane is so much easier. I hope it isn’t long term. That I can establish a foundation for her to choose to live there. I need to go. Do what I need to do and trust it will all work out.

Been going through the posts and doing a little editing. I don’t know if it is a great piece of work but I enjoy is. Actually read it. The timeline from getting laid off moves the narrative along. I haven’t gotten to the part where I am honest about my mental state. Reading everything and working on the book has put me in a relaxed mind space. Nice not to feel anxious or stressed.

8:12am watching movie with dog and daughter

I wanted to be super dad. Provide for my family. But a big house. Be stable, financially secure.

The truth is I have struggled as a dad. As a husband. Being a part of any group is awkward for me. Even a family. That is weird to say.

Going to Phoenix alone. Being in the apartment alone. nothing to focus on but the job. Wake up. Exercise. Go to work. Come home. Eat. Go to bed. Repeat. I need to be simple. Not worry or try to be anything else. If I can establish a strong base at work I can establish a strong base as a father.

There are a lot of parallel processes. One the job as a chaplain went bad just as my daughter was born. I never knew what it was like to be stable. I never had the energy to focus on a job. Going to utah to be the chaplain I went alone. It was just me and my dog from may until September when my wife came out.

Remember when that seemed hard? Thinking something was hard before being a parent makes me chuckle.

I am still bummed I failed the last nine years. but now I can possibly see where I failed. Phoenix is about the job. I need to be dialed in and make it a oriority. That is best for me and everyone. We can grow from there

The focus needs to be on the job. Utah was good because I first and foremost was intent on being a great chaplain. California sucked for the most part because I was so consumed with place and being a dad I didn’t give work much energy.

I need to be patient. This moving process will take until the beginning of April. Stay I the moment. Don’t get over anxious

7:01am middle of walk with dog

Two fallacies that I am smarter and I’m life should be easier

Southern California was being the sales manager. I needed change so I tried owning my own business coaching. Finally I resigned to operations. When that fell through I snapped. It was time to leave.

I can’t get too excited or too worried. I really have to manage my emotions like a phucolh sick person needs to manage their diet or activities

6:15am it was a long dark emotionally draining night. But this morning I woke up excited to go to Arizona. Thank god

6:10am before taking dog for a walk

Minimally draining night. I realize I have to be extremely careful with my thoughts. I have to realize when I am going to dark places and choose not to try and figure it out.

I thought I’d the new operating system again. A fresh clean slate once I am in Arizona. At. One time I was like a monk. I need to go to monk like existence. Not too high not too low.

Leaving California this time is really post any life I fashioned. We are in unchartwred territory. I imagine my brother stopping dialysis. His emotional mental story ended with his physical death. My emotional mental story needs to end just as surely even though I am not physically dying. My mind is sick. Not my body.

8:49pm laying in bed. The problem is I can objectively note I have made life and career mistakes. But that doesn’t solve anything. Being honest doesn’t I prove my energy flow, my pride, my income. I don’t need to be a morose keen observer. I need to be a strong human being. A man with unwavering confidence in his talents and point of view.

7:34pm

I have to get my shit together. I need to lock down a moving company and date. I am dragging my ass. I need to start seriously packing

7:15pm on couch, listening to music fans point Sunday

Got on top of energy, flowing through me. just barely. Now I picture the energy as passing through me or backing up. The steam is fast. If the funnel is not properly placed it spills inside me. And it is toxic. Poisonous. Finding the way to keep the energy flowing. Writing, listening to music, meditating, daydreaming, being distracted. Ways to back it up? Fuck. Infinite. Instantaneous.

My mom is in her room. My daughter is in her room. The dog is on the couch with me. I still can’t believe it is the last weekend here. I have lived on this street 9 years. In this house over 5. The house drives me to the brink of madness. I need to leave. but I am still pissed I am taking the L. I am sick of feeling like a loser.

Listened to moonlight mile by the stones tonight. I listened to that 30 years ago. driving through Weber canyon back to Evanston l. at night after visiting my high school friends. Christmas break. I was heartbreakingly homesick. on my first break back from college in Nebraska. Tears pouring out of my eyes.

Then Tiffany’s I think we’re alone now came up. I bought my best bass guitar at the Ogden city mall. Ogden. The WIL. I went down to Ogden often growing up. Go shopping at the malls. The WIL and I would talk about how we probably passed each other or were close when we were younger.

I feel really dumb looking at all these posts I write for a married woman who hasn’t talked to me for a year. I know I am pathetic. Just being honest, sharing my feelings.

Interesting side note; I was pining for myhigh school girlfriend who two timed me my first semester of college. on the moonlight mile 30 years ago. At least she was nice enough to dump the guy she two timed me with while I was home so we could make out in my basement the two weeks I was back. Then I left. We parted, she went back to the guy. That was a sweet solid to do for a homesick guy. Thank you. Nothing ever changes…