It all seems so neat when I lay it out on a couple of paragraphs. There was so much turmoil. Children involved

Her husband found out much later. I don’t even know how he found out. She told me he knew. He sent me a couple of threatening text messages. She tried to call me and the. Nothing.

My wife asked me what I would do if she called or said she is leaving her husband. I finally faced reality and said I would go and be with the WIL. I left the house for a month then later my wife moved out.

I look at everything I wrote today. There is no depth or discovery. I skim thoughts and ideas for barely a minute then call it good. I am a hollow shell

When I was a chaplain I on vacation I used be excited about going back to work. I would check my messages and stay involved. I wanted to know what was going on and how things were progressing. I missed my compatriots. I longed to see friends and colleagues. I was a part of something. Believing I was the best in my field. I miss brash confidence

I want to work, make money, connect with collaborators, have fun. So I start looking at jobs. I get sales, operations. Spiritual with hospice.

Sales and operations pay more money and are fun in theory. But day in day out I don’t have the consistent stamina to truly excel or enjoy

Spiritual I like but don’t really care for the money

I guess I will do sales but I don’t enjoy it. Does anyone truly enjoy their job? Asking for a friend

I can barely be bothered to act like I care about hospice and I don’t want to work hard and have a ton of responsibility. I can do it but it is unnatural. Like the last job. I worked nonstop for two months but when it slowed down I was more than happy to step back.

Not sure I mentioned a thought from earlier that one reason I don’t want to date to is because of Hope seeing or being with the WIL one last time. All I want to do is die in her arms

I can do hospice operations and sales. I know enough to sell myself as an expert. The problem is I don’t have a passion for them. Not even enough apparently to do the bare minimum to avoid getting fired or seen as useless. John prine said he would rather make a sandwich than write a song. I can relate

I need a new me anyway. This life isn’t serving me. Funny how I am frustrated and depressed. Broke and scared. Yet afraid to lose something.

I don’t have any deep meaningful relationships but I am scared to lose somebody. Who I don’t know…

What do I feel guilty or shame about? Sex?Being a shitty employee? Being with the WIL?

Ugh. I feel this is just devolved into a lurid salacious sex confessional

I feel dirty and stupid constantly. At the same time i have felt depressed so upsetting people might be a good thing. If you don’t want to be a part of my life because of who I am or what I did better to move on than try to stay involved. Hell, I don’t really have any close friends or family any way