October 20, 2024, Sunday night, 6:55pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA. Since I left Arizona in March of last year I have envisioned a specific scenario to soothe my Sunday Anxiety. In my fantasy I work as a PRN Hospice Chaplain in Phoenix. On Monday mornings I take my daughter to school then head straight to Arizona. I work Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and come back Friday afternoon. Occasionally, I would stay for a weekend like I did three years ago. I even mapped out subtle nuances to make the dream more vivid. I have my company car, my executive paycheck, and my old apartment in Chandler. Or better yet, a bigger, better house with multiple bedrooms for family and guests. That specific vision got me through many stressful weekend twilights. Tomorrow I will act out the beginning of that dream. I am going to finish packing in the morning, go workout, take my daughter to school then head straight east. I still have my company car and a paycheck for the time being. I am going enjoy the brief glimpse of that vision come true then head to Wyoming on Tuesday to visit my mom.

October 19, 2024, Saturday night, 6:29pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Aliso Viejo, California,USA. I am happy. My daughters mom is out of town so I am enjoying a day with my daughter and the dog. Monday i am going to take a long needed vacation and drive to the places I always want to but never have the time. I will drive to Arizona Monday then drive up through Vegas Tuesday. I should be in Wyoming late Tuesday or early Wednesday depending on time.

October 18, 2024, Friday evening, 5:54pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA. Go big or go home. I want a compensation number that will really get my attention. I am applying for President/C-suite jobs. Might as well swing away. The worst they can do is say no. It only takes one break to change a life’s trajectory. In my career I have more than sextupled my annual income, why can’t I do it again? Next week I have two interviews with recruiters. One is an informal introductory call. The other is to specially discuss a position in Arizona. I am going to travel next week to see my mom. My plan is to visit Arizona then cut through Nevada and Utah to get to Wyoming.

October 17, 2024, Thursday morning, 10:52am, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA. The silence is getting to me. I went from a torrent of communication via text, calls, emails and messages to absolute nothing. My phone doesn’t ring, I haven’t heard from hiring managers and I don’t get any texts. I want to connect with the world in a productive and meaningful way. Getting a job seems the only viable way. I tried the entrepreneur route seven years ago and it was fruitless. I want to be connected again.

October 16, 2024, Wednesday night, 6:31pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA. Nothing gives me joy right now. No memories, activities or hope for the future. I am not depressed, more indifferent. I applied for a couple and cleaned up my resume. This afternoon I went to the dentist for a cleaning then went and saw my daughter and her mom. Stating tomorrow I will take my daughter to school more regularly. That is a silver lining to the no work situation.

October 15, 2024, Tuesday night, (Wednesday morning) 12:48am, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA. I need to upgrade my computer. The one I am using is over 14 years old. It can’t perform basic functions and operates slowly or not at all. I also need to upgrade my resume and start taking this search seriously. Though I have time because of the separation agreement it is going to go quick. 2025 will be here in no time. I did apply for a Regional Vice President job today but with computer issues and a sloppy resume I am don’t have much hope.

October 14, 2024, Monday night, 7:52m, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA. Applied for a job in Costa Mesa this morning. Also reached out to work and reminded them I have a car they need to pick up. This afternoon I worked out at planet fitness, got my daughter Little Caesar’ crazy bread for dinner and bought her lunch items from Ralph’s up by their house.

October 12, 13, 2024, Saturday,Sunday morning 6:10am, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA. The meeting for AHA endorsement on Friday went well. The Board member was impressed by my experience and Clinical Pastoral Education. She even mentioned suggesting me as a potential Board candidate in 2025. After that I spent most of the day waiting to pick up my daughter from school. Her and I had a little spat Friday evening. She wasn’t feeling well and had plans Saturday yet she still wanted her boyfriend to visit. When I said “No” she complained. It was frustrating for both of us but in the end We were able to patch things up. She went to her convention yesterday and had a good time. My friend from Arizona is leaving this morning. We didn’t get to spend much time together but they is alright.

October 10, 11, Thursday, Friday, 8:42am, pacific standard time, parking lot of offices off oak canyon, Irvine, California, USA. Yesterday drove back from La Mirada, spent time with the dog and reviewed the Humanist Manifesto III. At 4pm I picked my daughter up from school, took her to Cane’s, then picked up her boyfriend, dropped them off, picked them up later, took him home and then took her home before going to my house. I have a friend visiting for a couple days. Mt apartment is not conducive to multiple people so I am doing my endorsement phone call in the car. One thing to note about my job search: I am approaching it looking for reprieve from pressure. That will never work. I have to go all in and be willing to risk or I might as well be dead.

October 9, 2024, Wednesday (written Thursday morning, 6:48am, pacific standard time), residence inn, room 221, La Mirada, California,USA, came north to visit a friend last night and used points for a hotel stay rather than driving back to Dana Point. I am glad I did it. It was nice not to have to drive back late. It was also nice to get outbid the house and not be alone another night. My life is so subdued right now. I have no routine and my phone barely rings. I used to get calls, texts, emails and notifications 24 hours a day. Now there is silence. I don’t miss my old life but I would like more structure.