August 28, 2024, Wednesday evening, 6:38pm, pacific standard time, hotel room in San Bernardino, California,USA. Today was all about the director meeting. I slept in until close to six am, showered, picked up bagels, then headed to the office at seven. I was there until after four. Leading every discussion and running the meeting exhausted me. I came back to the room afterwards , ate dinner and now I am watching the office on Comedy Central

August 27, 2024, Tuesday night, 6:32pm, pacific standard time, Hilton garden inn, room 411, San Bernardino, California, USA. In town for my director meeting tomorrow. I feel like I am well prepped but didn’t get a chance to buy anything for the staff. Maybe I should go back out. Went to dinner tonight at Kalaveras. It was supposed to be a team dinner but only one person showed up. That is alright. It was fun to go out to dinner for a change rather than eating in my room alone.

August 26, 2024, Monday night, 6:37, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA. This morning I realized two things. One, I changed my workout routine a while ago and I couldn’t recall why. I used to walk the dog, take my daughter to school then go to the gym. That gave me an extra hour of sleep. I believe the reason was because it made the late morning more hectic but still, that extra hour of sleep was nice. The Second thing I realized is the behavior I have on weekends is detrimental. I have too much freedom and alone time. That is a bad combination. For so long I lived with my daughter and her mom. Or just her mom before my daughter was born. Before the pregnancy I had alone time once every couple months when her mom would travel for work or see family. Those times disappeared with the baby. I mourned losing those moments because it pushed me out of balance. I wanted/needed an outlet for indulgence. When I was in Phoenix I regained some of that energy. I had alone time and freedom one weekend a month. That was good. I was happy. Now, living alone I have too much time to make bad decisions. I am back out of balance but to the opposite extreme. I don’t know how but I need to find balance again. This time finding social engagement that isn’t destructive. I have come full circle. I used to have too little freedom, now I have too much.

August 25, 2024, Sunday morning, 8:29am, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA. Today is the 27th anniversary of leaving Wyoming to do my pastoral internship in Paradise,California. It is also the 26 year anniversary of returning to Wyoming from that internship. Back then, it was important for me to stay away from home for a year. To prove what, I cant’t recall. But I accomplished that goal. Even purposefully taking two days to drive through Nevada to achieve it. Today I have been thinking about how I don’t count time at work as much now that I have been here over two years. I am not the same person that started this adventure so it feels disjointed trying to tie together an old theme and a new reality. I am glad I am not obsessing over hitting certain numbers. That was stressful. Of course without that obsession I feel a little aimless. There just is no perfect way to view the world.

August 24, 2024, Saturday night, 7:15pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA. Had a good time last night. Went to patsy’s in Laguna Niguel and Had a couple drinks with a new friend. I woke up this morning and did my usual walk/workout followed by laundry and a nap. This afternoon I went and saw my daughter and took her dog for a walk. Now I am watching football and sipping a beer.

August 23, 2024, Friday night, 6:14pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA. Took my daughter to her first day of school this morning then headed to La Jolla for meetings at the scripps hospital there. Came home, then went and saw my daughter again before returning to Dana Point. I am glad I went to La Jolla today but now I feel behind at work. Even thought I went for work! I am hosting my director retreats next Wednesday. I will be glad when that is over. I have plans to go out tonight at 8:30pm. It is always hard to feel motivated when I have a commitment, even when it is something I want to do.

August 22, 2024, Thursday night, 7:24pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA. Got back from Carlsbad around nine this morning and worked from home all day. At four I picked up my daughter to mail a package and buy lunch items. School starts for her tomorrow at 8:20am. I am going to take her then head back to San Diego’s for a meeting at scripps La Jolla.

I have the funkiest hotel room this trip. Room 130, Home2Suites, Carlsbad, California, USA. I am on the first floor and the door to my room opens up into the common area where the lobby is and the breakfast seating. Every time I come out of my room everyone stares at me. You wouldn’t even know there is a room here unless you were looking for it. You would walk right by.

August 20, 2024, Tuesday night, 6:51, pacific standard time, Home2Suites, Carlsbad,California,USA. Last night was good at Disneyland. We watched the fantasmic show from the River Belle terrace restaurant then Went and rode Rise of the resistance in Star Wars land before the park closed at 11pm. I stayed the night again with my daughter and her mom at the Disneyland hotel then came home before heading to San Diego for a meeting. I have been tired all day. The last three nights I stayed up until 10pm or later. I need to go to bed early and get back in my routine.

August 19,2024, Monday afternoon, 2:10pm, pacific standard time, California Adventure, Anaheim, California,USA. I am across from Guardians of the galaxy, waiting for my daughter and her boyfriend. A lot has changed for me since the last time I came to Disneyland. It was August 2019. Two months before I last saw the WIL and two months before I had to change how I approached work. I was working sales in hospice and could not hold a job. When the pressure came in that position I doubled down on stress and effort. That led to some of the problems I deal with now, physically and emotionally. Physically I have the stress ball under my right rib that never goes away and causes me ingestion. Emotionally, I am unable to lose myself in a moment like this. The little kid in me has diminished so much he is all but gone. I am not complaining. There was no need to be stuck in perpetual childhood. And it has served me well professionally. But I wish, just for today, I could feel the sense of escape I used to know.