September 24, 2023, Sunday evening, 6:27pm, pacific standard time, walking on the treadmill at the hotel gym, Palm Desert, California, USA. Today was a great day. Left Orange County just before 2pm. When I arrived in Palm Desert it felt like a nostalgic visit to the past. That made all the difference. Instead of dreading work I basked in familiar surroundings. After checking into the hotel I drove around, grabbed dinner then watched some football. Now I at the hotel gym doing a quick workout. I haven’t been this happy in a long time. It feels good to do things in the evening instead of going straight to bed. If only every Sunday could feel this nice.

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September 23, 2023, Saturday morning, 6:42am, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA. Morning posts for this blog tend to be introspective reflections i.e, examinations of my quest for happiness. Where posts written in the evening tend toward factual recaps with little commentary. If I am honest, I enjoy the factual posts more. That is because situations evolve but I rarely do. I am the exact same person with the exact same feelings, beating his head against the same existential walls. Nothing changes and I doubt it ever will. But circumstances of my life always change. Moments come, then wash away, leaving nothing but memories. It is fun to look back and recall a specific time, activity or milestone. I appreciate they are preserved in some way in these posts. That being said, I have been reflecting on what I wrote yesterday. Namely, that I want to do something with passion and purpose. The ironic thing is, if I could design a life to maximize happiness this would be it. It isn’t where I live, my job or the lifestyle that has worn me out, rather it is the work load. I am overwhelmed, just getting through each day in hopes I can muster enough strength to tackle tomorrow. Has this moment passed just like a thousand others? Is the only way to rejuvenate to let go and start over with a new set of circumstances?

September 22, 2023, Friday morning, 6:49am, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA. I had a lot of time to think yesterday. The drive from Bakersfield to Palm Desert is pretty sparse with limited radio reception. My thoughts went back to memories of Utah and being a Chaplain. It also got me thinking about my relationship with time and writing. For months I have mitigated stress imagining working in Phoenix Tuesday through Thursday as a hospice chaplain. I would leave Orange County Monday, work Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday then go back Friday. Basically, the schedule I have now with a lot less stress. If I did that I would have more free time. How would I fill it? Most likely with writing, at least in theory. But what would be the point? I no longer expect recognition or income. My audience is limited. I only enjoy writing in short bursts throughout the day. If I were to change the structure of my routine what is the purpose? Outside of money or boredom I can’t imagine why I do this current job. But the alternative is just as underwhelming. I am at the point where all the current motivators are secondary. I don’t want money, title or recognition. I want to have purpose and passion.

September 21, 2023, Thursday morning, 8:50am, pacific standard time, hotel in Bakersfield, California, USA. I am in Bakersfield about to head out and drove to palm desert. It is a rare day where I don’t have many meetings. I have been hanging out in the hotel feeling bored. And I love it. It is so nice to not have issues pressing, demanding attention. I have time to reflect and be lost in thought. I need more days like this.

September 20, 2023, Wednesday night, 7:43pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Bakersfield, California, USA . Had a presentation at 10:30am this morning. I was nervous but it turned out not to be that big of a deal. The anticipation was more stressful than the meeting. I looked at posts I wrote from last March this morning. Amazing how little has changed. I am still the same person with the same emotions. Obviously, that is true. What did I expect? Finally, today is my last day in Bakersfield for a while. I realized I won’t be back tomorrow, next week or perhaps even the week after that. I am supposed to take San Diego and Vista October 1, 2023. We will see if that happens. It doesn’t matter all that much. I feel overwhelmed. I keep saying something has to give but does it really? It is amazing how much torturous stress you can subject your body (and mind) to endure.

September 19, 2023, Tuesday night, 10:43pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Bakersfield, California, USA. Working in the office was hard today. Being home and going to San Diego last week spoiled me. The day went alright at least. Had my usual morning anxiety, went to work anyway, tried to bargain and rationalize the stress away, failed, moped into the office at 7:40am, caught up on tasks associated with Bakersfield and disassociated my way to 5pm before eating dinner and going to bed. I won’t be back here for a while after tomorrow. Lots of things to do but only so much time to do them. Later this week I have to start worrying about all the things left undone in Palm Desert. I can only do so much. We will see how it all turns out.

September 18, 2023, Monday evening, 6:24pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Bakersfield, California, USA. Two weeks ago I started doing an exercise called up/downs or burpees. You start by standing up, then bend down, put your hands on the ground, kick your legs back then forward and finally finish with a hand raised jump. I was doing 50 a day. They really helped my cardio, core and posture. But they were also causing me discomfort. Hours after exercise I would feel swelling in my pelvic area and chest. I am not sure if the source of irritation was the exertion or the movements but either way the irritation was too much to bear. I had to stop doing them. Years ago I discovered similar issues riding an upright stationary bike. I would feel painful swelling and constipation after riding. So much so that I stopped exercising on stationary bikes and haven’t rode one since. The issue with the bike wasn’t that big of a deal. I didn’t particularly enjoy that piece of equipment anyway. But the up/down circumstances are different. I hate giving up something I so recently discovered and enjoyed. It makes me feel old.

September 17, 2023, Sunday night, 7:03pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA. I am seeking a goal that doesn’t involve moving or changing jobs. What do I focus on for the upcoming year? September 1st is a rebirth day. What can I accomplish in the next 50 weeks? that answer will guide my happiness in the near future.

September 16, 2023, Saturday night, 11pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA. Stayed the night in Aliso Viejo. Woke up this morning and grabbed coffee. Went for a walk then stayed in most of the day. Family got back at 2pm. They were both tired. Talked with my daughters mom then took my daughter to grab dinner. I left at 4:30pm and came back to Dana Point. Been j bed more or less since then. The skies were grey all day which is always dispiriting.

September 15, 2023, Friday evening, 7:46pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Aliso Viejo, California, USA . I am in Aliso Viejo, dog sitting at my daughters moms apartment. They are at Universal Studios in Hollywood for Halloween Horror nights. I haven’t heard any updates yet, hope they are having a good time. The dog and I are just hanging out, but she is barking at every little sound so it is getting annoying. I talked to my mom on the phone this evening. We have a plan for Christmas. She is bringing her cat to California. That was a major sticking point. Now she seems more excited.