San Diego update

5:21am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday morning, May 11, 2022. Yesterday was the second interview for the job in San Diego; this time with the hiring manager. Our conversation was engaging, lasting longer than the time allotted for the call; which is typically a good sign. He told me I would advance to the next round and that a recruiter would be reaching out for appointment times. At this point, there are likely four interviews to go; perhaps fewer, if some are done as a group or in panel format. Depending on their urgency and desire to fill the position quickly, I should know a definitive outcome by the end of next week.

Vacillate

5:21am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Friday morning, May 6, 2022. The interview for the Director position in San Diego, California went fine yesterday, just a preliminary phone screen to discuss qualifications and work history. I will know more next week. In the meantime my chaplain endorsement is falling into place. One more colleague needs to complete a reference letter. Once that is done I will have an interview with the governing board and be submitted as a candidate. I constantly vacillate between my stressful, yet lucrative, career path and returning to being a Chaplain.

Excited about the possibility

5:29am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Thursday morning, May 5, 2022. At 11am a recruiter is calling me in regards to a job opening in San Diego, California. It would be a lateral move but, things in Phoenix have been stagnate for a while and aren’t getting better any time soon. I am excited about the possibility of taking on a new challenge. A change in scenery can be very reinvigorating.

Easy choice?

5:51am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday morning, April 27, 2022. I am torn between the choice of being a chaplain and being an executive. You would think it would be an easy choice; go back to being a chaplain, leave stress behind, remove uncertainty, stop being lonely and embrace the more natural, positive energy. But I tell you, deeper forces are at work. Being an executive is addictive; I enjoy, even crave, the challenge, the money, and the ego boost. However, like any addiction, there are negative consequences as well; I live far from my family, I have lost more money than I have made because of frequent job changes, periods of unemployment and even underemployment. And the constant stress is starting to physically wear me down. When I think about being a chaplain my spirit opens like a blossoming flower. When I think about being an executive a steel blade of anxiety rips my guts. You would think it is an easy choice to become a chaplain again but, life is rarely as simple as making an easy choice.

What is the point of continuing?

5:52am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Tuesday morning, April 26, 2022. I was out of the office marketing yesterday afternoon. There were a couple of good conversations with physician office personnel but, ultimately I didn’t make the most important connection; getting a referral for a new patient. At this point I am ready to call it quits. The situation not improving and I am frustrated. What is the point of continuing if the results never change?

It isn’t easy

6:11am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Monday morning, April 25, 2022, 1st day back to work. Have to go in and do payroll and get ready for an operations meeting at the end of the week. There are multiple things on my plate. I still constantly think about going back to being a chaplain; really doing it, not just using it as a mental escape to ease anxiety. If I choose to be a chaplain again there are logistics that need to be resolved, it isn’t so easy to change careers.

I won’t be happy, no matter what

7:16am, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA, Saturday morning, April 23, 2022, day 9 of vacation, sitting on the couch, contemplating life. I looked at payroll reports this morning and checked work email. Vacation is almost over and I need to prepare for Monday. I have no passion at the moment. Not because I dread work but, because the financial health of the site is bumming me out. It is hard to find motivation when the results are always negative. Then again, it probably doesn’t matter. If the financials were better the bullshit of everyday tasks would annoy me. I won’t be happy, no matter what. I am simply justifying what I already feel.

I am sick of the stress

7:55pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Friday night, April 8, 2022. Going for a walk right after I wake up is therapeutic. The physical exercise and quality alone time contribute to what I consider my greatest happiness; enjoying solitude in the pre-dawn dark, sifting through treasured memories and anticipating a future yet to be lived. On a really good day, when I am reviewing familiar musings, my spirit soars and I feel contentment. The trick is to see how long I can stay in that joy until negativity pierces the cocoon. Once that happens everyday garbage floods my thoughts. Then the effect is ruined until I can wake up the next day and do the whole routine again. Often, I think back to when I was a chaplain. The job was demanding but, there was enough down time to stay in prolonged moments of bliss. The job I have now violently destroys the very things that make me happy. I am sick of the stress. I don’t want to spend every morning dreading what I have become.

Do I want to get fired?

7:25pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Thursday evening, April 7, 2022. This morning I speculated about being put on a performance improvement plan at work. It wouldn’t have been surprising; when things are going bad a change in leadership is often necessary. Alas, it didn’t happen, but is that a good thing? This site has been struggling for years and frankly, I am tired of being associated with it. I want to get back to my daughter, take some time off and recharge my energy. The problem is I don’t have the guts to give up and quit. What if I resign and things aren’t better? What if I go farther into debt, or take another job that ends up being worse? I would have to live with the fact I made a terrible mistake. Getting fired is a different energy; if I get fired I am not the idiot that quit a decent job because he couldn’t handle a little pressure. Rather, I am a guy forced into a tough situation doing whatever is necessary to survive. What I really want is for someone to make a difficult decision for me. Being forced out sucks but, I find pretentious indignation a far more motivating energy than calculated withdrawal.