I hate this job

Monday was filled with despair; threats of closing the site down, unfulfilled promises and constant haranguing about revenue left me drained. Perhaps I am getting too thin skinned to be in such a positions. For years I have worked at publicly traded, for profit organizations and constantly faced such demands. This seems more extreme. Then again, I don’t know if I dealt with it all that well in the past either. I hate this job.

Captaining this particular ship

5:47am, in parking lot, Laguna Niguel, California, Sunday morning, March 27, 2022. The dog and I are in the car outside a random office building in Laguna Niguel. We are killing time because the coffee shop up the street doesn’t open until 6am. It is so quiet at this time of day. The sky is dark, birds are singing and there aren’t any other people around. We are here because we got up earlier than usual this morning, which, in a way, was my fault. I fell asleep early, which made her last bathroom break just before 8pm. By 3:30am she whined to be let out of the kennel so I got up and got dressed for our morning walk. The fact is I was already awake at 3:30am because I was thinking about work. The month of April is going to suck. There is too much left undone, financials that look terrible and, in a couple of weeks, a mock survey which will create thousand more things to worry about. I am not giving up but, right now I am starting to feel, one way or the other, I won’t be captaining this particular ship very much longer.

Is that a threat?

5:16am, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Friday morning, March 18, 2022. I can’t calm my thoughts and the world feels sour. 99% of the problem has to do with census and referrals. “Operations review is at the end of the month, we need to show growth.” Is that a threat? To me? To my staff? What is going to happen and how long do we have to turn things around? I am so tired and need a vacation, but I don’t see how that is possible. There are no senior leaders on staff, systems still need to be implemented and lay offs loom as a real possibility. Not achieving budget is never good for job security. Cuts eventually will need to be made. No position is safe, and that very much includes my job as well.

Positive relationships (work)

1:29pm, office in Phoenix, Arizona, Thursday afternoon, March 17, 2022. Just got off a corporate conference call. Not a lot of new information was shared, but it was still good to hear updates from senior leadership. I had to rush to the office to make it in back in time. My marketing team set up an appointment to provide an educational lunch at a doctors office today. I would have had to cancel but because I didn’t have to set up or tear down I was able to attend and still make the call. The presentation at the doctors office went well, it should produce some positive relationships.

How cruel I can be to myself

2:45pm, parking lot in Phoenix, Arizona, Tuesday afternoon, March 14, 2022. Just finished a work meeting across town this afternoon. When it was over I headed back to the office. The moment I was alone in my car I began savagely destroying everything about my “performance” with a brutal and relentless attack. Nothing was off limits; my appearance, my personality, the clothes I wore, what I said or didn’t say, how I felt, what was said to me or not said, how I perceived others opinion of me. I went over every single detail and came up with the worst possible outcome for each. Now I feel broken and small. It is amazing how cruel I can be to myself.

If I wanted to spend my time marketing

5:53pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday evening, March 14, 2022. The day started with a tense marking meeting. The numbers aren’t where they should be, therefore, I spent my afternoon in the west valley, following up with old connections, trying to build lost business from last years sale. The meetings were positive, and potentially productive, but if I wanted to spend my time marketing, I would still have a marketing job.

That effing office

5:58pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Thursday night, March 10, 2022. Burn out is creeping into my soul. Work became chaotic at the beginning of the year and has remained that way ever since. I thought things would slow down, but they have not, and probably never will. I am so damn frustrated and I am beyond tired of going into that effing office everyday.

Something better will come along

4:41pm, office, Phoenix, Arizona, Tuesday afternoon, March 8, 2022. I missed posting yesterday. That was disappointing because I usually post at least once a day. I got busy in the morning and feel asleep early last night so I missed doing my job. oh well, I can’t go back and change the past. Now I am in my office waiting for the new clinical director to pack up and leave. I hope she gets out soon, I want to go home. Today has been a busy, long, painful experience. We have process issues and I am getting tired of dealing with them. The recruiter contacted me about the Orange County job. They offered the job to someone else. Apparently, I was their second choice. I can’t say I am overly disappointed, the opportunity didn’t seem right. When I am ready, something better will come along.

Draining

6:07pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday evening, March 2, 2022. The employee quit before we could share a corrective action plan. The resignation was a blessing because her performance was detrimental to the team and it meant we didn’t need to draw out the process any longer. After that I presented financials to the regional team. The day has been draining. I am ready to just go to bed and fall asleep.

Curl up in a ball

6:14pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday evening, March 1, 2022. Last night I woke up in a panic, thinking about issues with billing for the prior month. The problem seems somewhat resolved but operations review is tomorrow afternoon. There is no way it will end up well. Some days I want to just curl up in a ball and hide from the world.