Crush my own soul

5:52pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday evening, February 9, 2022. The meeting with senior leadership was this afternoon. Nothing too groundbreaking got discussed beyond typical corporate talking points: 1. How can we help you? 2. You know we are here to support you, right? 3. Why aren’t you making more money?” Toward the end I said something about marketing strategy. The senior VP replied with a different take. Afterwards she moved on and likely forgot the whole exchange. I on the other hand have heaped torrents of abusive self-talk all over my psyche for three straight hours, chastising myself over and over for being stupid, for not thinking before I speak and for making myself look ignorant. It really is over the top and way too much for something so minor. Yet I can’t stop. Sometimes I swear I deliberately try to crush my own soul, just to see how sick I can get.

Not with this outfit

6:20pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday night, February 8, 2022. Had a call set up with the COO a Southern California company at four today but it was rescheduled at the last minute. We both were too busy. The recruiter thought it might cause problems but I don’t want to work for someone thats not flexible. Besides, he already rescheduled twice. The possibility of relocating back to Orange County is still available, but optimism is not high at the moment. At least not with this outfit.

Few people enjoy work right now

6:09pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday night, February 7, 2022. The girls in the office were happy this see me this morning. I was happy too. Not from being at the office so much as just being appreciated. We are busy, there is a lot that needs to get done; procedures to implement and problems to address. For the most part nothing catastrophic has occurred but time will tell if that holds true. Pressure to grow the census in the midst of integration has overwhelmed us. Few people enjoy work right now, myself included.

Saturday updates

4:25pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Saturday afternoon, February 5, 2022. Updates from earlier in this week: The second covid test was negative, which was a relief. After the urgent care visit and trip to the pharmacy I have some prescriptions. Steroids and cough suppressant have helped, but haven’t conquered the feeling of being run down. Travel to Orange County did not happen this weekend. Work was frustrating and the recruitment call resulted in a phone interview this coming Tuesday for a regional job in Southern California.

New marketer

5:30pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Thursday evening, February 3, 2022. A new marketer starts with us next week. Even though she technically isn’t my employee, she has called multiple times for matters important and trivial. The constant phone calls can be a little much, but I find in her traits I wish I had; outgoing, tenacious and caring. Her energy is infectious and what has been missing from our office.

Back home

3:51pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday afternoon, February 02, 2022. The cough and stuffy nose are still present but this morning I went to the office nonetheless. That probably was a mistake. Even though I felt better everyone was nervous about getting sick. I don’t blame them, no one wants to be around someone with active symptoms. An urgent care down the street from my apartment had an appointment available at 3:20pm so I headed back to Chandler early. The clinician hypothesized the first test result might have been a false negative, so she took another swab and prescribed medication before sending me home. The results will be available in a couple days. I will work from home until then.

Working in California

4:45pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday afternoon, January 31, 2022. Day four of being sick; mostly coughing and exhaustion. Went to work early, finished payroll, then took my computer home to do meetings here. At noon I had a call with the recruiter about Southern California. Might be some good opportunities though not really anything better. I really hate working in California.

Sunday updates

2:34pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Sunday afternoon, January 30, 2022. The feeling of exhaustion is still with me, Not sure how to shake it. Working out wasn’t too bad this morning but then again it didn’t last too long. The walk was beautiful this morning, enhanced by a beautiful sunrise. Later this afternoon I plan to go out, get some fresh air. A recruiter emailed me yesterday (Saturday) about the job in Riverside County. We are going to talk tomorrow, about that job and a regional position she is recruiting for. There are a lot of opportunities are open in Southern California right now.

Arizona longer

3:56pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Friday afternoon, January 28, 2022. Exhaustion overcame me yesterday and a cough developed in my chest. Consequently, most of today was spent sitting on the couch or lying in bed. Two work calls couldn’t be canceled but that was alright, both calls ended up being positive and affirming. I feel appreciated right now. Maybe I will stay in Arizona a little longer.

Riverside County

5:20pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Thursday evening, January 27, 2022. I applied for a job in riverside county, California this morning. There was no response so there isn’t much chance of getting it but, an application was sent. Still keeping my options open and keeping myself available for good opportunities.