3:28pm, office, Phoenix, Arizona, Tuesday afternoon, January 25, 2022. The regional leadership team got new bosses this past month. It has changed the dynamic of our relationship. No longer are they patient and supportive, but rather nervous and insecure. All they can focus on are numbers; did we get more referrals? Has the census increased? Are we achieving revenue targets? The change was inevitable but still disappointing. I shouldn’t be surprised, money changes everything.
Category: Work
The things I fear the most
6:33am, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Friday morning, January 14, 2022. The things I fear most: Missing out, not feeling loved, being useless. Being rejected, dying, becoming sick, falling into destitution. Not achieving objectives, failing to attain a stated goal and settling for less.
Fast day
3:53pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Monday afternoon, January 10, 2022. First day of three week training/preparation to integrate with our new company. The training was boring but tolerable, while the day sped by. Or at least it seemed to go faster. Regardless, Monday is almost over and I couldn’t be happier.
Friday, January 7, 2022
2:19pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Friday afternoon, January 7, 2022. Monday is the beginning of our big integration at work. All of our back office and clinical functions will change. It is going to be intense; for three weeks we are going to migrate records, move systems and learn new software. I am ready to get started because it has been stressful preparing. I feel run down and we haven’t even started yet!
Memories from a year ago
6:17am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Monday morning, January 3, 2022. A year ago (Monday January 4th) I walked into work and was greeted at the door by the HR director. She informed me I had been laid off; No warning, no advance knowledge, not even a hint. I was the Executive Director in charge while the CEO took an extended sabbatical. When he got back I was no longer needed. For three months I navigated the site through an office move, staffing issues, billing concerns, clinical leadership changes and the pandemic resurgence. Then I was let go. Finically I was in a terrible position, I couldn’t afford rent and had no job prospects in Orange County. I expanded my search area and that is how I ended up in Arizona. Despite the start to the year I look back on 2021 as mostly good. I am proud of how the year turned out. I miss being close to my daughter but the change in perspective did me good. Now I want to take this adventure, wrap it up, hold onto the memories and get back to my life in Orange County.
Christmas night 2021
8:19pm Pacific, Valencia, CA, at relatives, Saturday night, Christmas, December 25, 2021. We traveled north today and arrived shortly after 2pm. Dinner was Prime Rib with pie for dessert. I took mom to the hotel an hour ago then came back to watch a movie. Work called at 7:30pm (8:30pm Arizona time). A patient had a fall. The nurse who covers area is not answering her phone. I tried the clinical director but she didn’t answer. Finally the traveling nurse picked up. She is calling the community. I have not heard back from her on next steps.
On call tonight
12:06am, in my apartment in Chandler, Arizona, lying in bed, early morning December 24, 2021, Christmas Eve. The nurse working on call tonight had her car breakdown this morning. I offered to drive if she needed to go out. At 8:30pm two calls came in, a visit and a death call, both in the west valley. I just got back home. My mom and I will soon leave for Christmas in California, though a big storm is in Orange County and headed this way.
Winning
2:05pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Thursday afternoon, December 16. Some wins at work today. I hired a nurse to replace the one who quit, I found coverage for open shifts, and I have qualified applicants for open positions. It feels so good to see a new team coming together.
Manic breaking
5:45am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday morning, December 14, 2021. I am usually a low-key guy but every now and then I have episodes where my energy gets stuck in manic mode. It is not fun when this happens because I constantly get frustrated for stupid reasons when I am manic. This past episode started a week ago. There was no discernible trigger I am aware of, I just knew it was starting because the arrival of Friday did not provide any joy whatsoever. I was in perpetual, shitty Monday energy. As a result, the last three days were useless. Thankfully, the episode broke this morning. When I went for a walk and worked out I was resigned too another crappy day. But as I was leaving the gym I looked up and saw Christmas lights on a second story balcony. In that moment a little sprig of calm caught hold in my chest and started to clear the poison. For the life of me I could not tell you why that image, that time and the particular thoughts bouncing around head broke the spell. All I know was something popped in me that had the slightest kernel of relief and that was all I needed. Ironically, a part of me wants to be upset the weekend was wasted, but to tell you the truth, I am just relieved its over.
Whoops
7:53am, just got to the office, Phoenix, Arizona, Monday morning, December 13, 2021. I got out of my car and realized my clothes don’t match. I changed shoes at the last second but didn’t change belts. My belt brown and my shoes are black. Of course it is on the day I have two new employees starting and the nurses coming in for a meeting. Whoops.
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