Category: Work

Denver

8:38am I got a call from the recruiter for that job I applied for this morning. It is in Denver. An executive director role like I am doing now. No much career growth. The salary is higher. I am a little concerned how easy I could pack up and move to Colorado. I don’t want to. But I am beginning to doubt this jobs viability.

Work again

12:10pm in my office. Writing another post about work. Of course. The meeting at the coffee shop went alright. I appreciate the nurse sharing her perceptions. I made some changes in the reporting structure to mitigate the issues. The changes will be beneficial but they will hurt the pride of some other employees. I did what had to be done. I need to control the situation. I have felt a sense of peace since I looked for jobs this morning. In a way it made this job feel brand new. Which revitalized me. Four hours later I am drained. But it was nice to have reprieve. I have felt peace a couple of times in the last two days. I don’t get to feel that tension release often.

Self assessment

8:27am in my office at work. I was talking to myself on the walk this morning. A couple of realizations. 1. I don’t know if I loved being a chaplain because of the work or because I had stability. 2. I don’t know if I liked the job of being a chaplain or that I could excel only working part time. 3. I have had opportunities to go back to being a chaplain. If I really want it why haven’t I made the change?

Tired of work

6:55am I am tired of thinking about and writing about work. I looked at other jobs and even applied for one today. I had another nurse call off. That means Three of four triage nurses are out. My clinical director is out. Another nurse turned in her resignation yesterday. I have never seen a program meltdown like this.

Thursday morning

6:22am in the apartment on the couch watching the weather and sipping coffee. The last few days have exhausted me. I don’t have the energy to be in non stop crisis mode. My mind is racing. I am frightened. I have a tension headache that wraps from my eyes to the back of my head. The only thing that gives me solace is thinking about taking the day off from work. Not going in. Not worrying about every problem. Not caring for a moment. All week my wife daughter and her friend planned to go to an activity center. I was going to leave work at lunch and meet them in the afternoon but I am going to take the entire day off.

Better

2:51pm in my office. My anxiety has subsided. For that I am thankful. I have been on video calls all day. That tends to put me in a bad mood. Now I am about to go into a meeting to discuss the new marketing plan. I either have to fully commit to moving forward or stop putting myself in situations where I fail.

Mindset

6:08am in the apartment. I had trouble falling asleep last night. No matter what I could not get comfortable. I thrashed around and changed positions until I finally fell asleep. I woke up late and didn’t get out of the house until after 5:30am. By that time The sun was shining. it was too hot and late to do the full route so the dog and I took a shortcut home. When we got back I fed her and gave her some water. Then I got myself something to eat and drank some water myself. Now I am on the couch with a cup of coffee and a toaster pastry writing this post. I thought about my mindset at work as I walked this morning. I tried to be objective examining my approach to this current situation. What fascinates me is how subtle thoughts pop into my head and trigger emotions. How I have a feeling and it evokes set beliefs. Basically I have programmed myself to expect certain outcomes based on previous experiences whether they are true or not. The perfect example of “self-fulfilling prophecy.” With the situation at work I want to lump my current circumstances in with other jobs from the last twelve years. I want to feel what I always felt; helpless, misunderstood, unlucky, under appreciated. But this is situation is different. In the past I was doing just sales. I had one job, grow the business. Get referrals. If I didn’t get that one result I was gone. This job I need to get results but I have something I didn’t have before. Control. I control what is being sold. Until now I was expected to get prospects and complete sales regardless if the offering was of value. It was frustrating and often hopeless. This situation is different. With control I have maneuvered the service in such a way to make it better. I have trained good clinical staff. I have hired good marketers to sell the product. The pieces are in place. Everyone wants results. I want results. I have done a good job with the shitty deal I have inherited. I have done a lot and continue to do more. The referrals, admissions and revenue are the lag measure. They are coming.

Big surf

12:45pm in my office. Eating lunch. The call went alright. My supervisor is frustrated. I don’t blame her. I shared what we are doing to control costs and increase business. We have a plan. We are doing it. Things are getting better. I have to catch myself and not own the bullshit. I walked into tough circumstances five months ago. It is not going great but I am not giving up. The last month and a half sucked. I admit the service failure in June and the sale of the company earlier this month lowered my energy. Today is the first day in a while I have felt focused and driven. I am ready to face the obstacles and find success. Staying in a situation like this is like surfing big waves. If you are able to ride the crest it can look amazing. Even be exhilarating. If can’t get get on top of things you will be torn apart. I got torn apart for a couple of weeks. Time to ride high again.