Relief

2:01pm In my office. South phoenix. Ops review is complete. It went well. as well as things can go when the numbers don’t look good. It is a relief to have it behind me. Now the hard work of getting things done so I don’t have to have another bad month to explain

Ops review

8:42am in my office. I am nervous. Today is ops review at noon. June did not go well. July isn’t better. Presenting when things are not going well is excruciating.

Perspective

7:53am I am able to find perspective. That reduces my anxiety. I can step outside my situation, be objective. Work has issues. One of the issues is low referral volume. I am fixing it. Instead of spiraling to despair I stay level. I address the issue. I have other ones to work on. I will address them like I do everything else. That is what I am paid to do. I had a dream last night. I was taking blame for issues at work. Then someone mentioned a professional basketball player and his problems in the playoffs. I said I would take blame for that. I caught myself in my dream. It was so absurd I realized I was just piling on problems whether I created them or not. This site had issues before I got here. I am committed to working on them, improving and growing.

Glimmer of narrative

5:54am Wednesday while walking this morning I started to see a glimmer of a narrative I can embrace. It is the narrative that I was a journeyman salesperson. reliable but not outstanding. I accept that narrative about sales because I have perspective. That career is in the past. I also thought about being a chaplain this morning. I had an honest discussion with myself about why I don’t go back. Reasons include, money, lifestyle, challenge, expectations for my daughter. But I did come up with a new look forward goal. Being a prn chaplain. Just being called when needed to see people or do assessments. Not full time, not set hours.

Eventful

7:25pm had an eventful afternoon. Have to make some staffing changes in light of census challenges. Takes with my supervisor. She is supportive. Of me and my decisions. I realize she is more scared of me quitting than I should be of getting fired. Which is refreshing. I want to succeed. I will succeed . I am succeeding. I have succeeded.

Hospice

10:44am when the chaplain role was ending I knew staying in hospice meant sales or operations. Neither felt right. 12 years later they still don’t feel right. I am trapped in long forgotten choices. How do I move forward? Can I find peace?

Burned out

6:54pm I am burned out at work. My life is work and the apartment. I have done it for five months now. I need variety

Stuck

2:57pm I am stuck. I can’t seem to go forward. Can’t engage in the here and now. Frustrated.

Tired

5:47pm when I came to Arizona I said that all that mattered was work. I have lived that way for 5 months. Now I am burned out. I am tired of only going to the office. The results have been poor so I am discouraged. I need a pick me up.

Let go

7:26am I realize a lot of my stress comes from owning problems. The census at work being down bothers me. but I refuse to own it. It is a problem I am working to address. There are many areas that need improving. That is one of theme. I will come up with a plan and fix it like I do everything else. I will not allow myself to be run off. Or to give up. I am the captain. I am the leader for the entire voyage.