Should I stay or should I go?

“Should I stay or should I go now? If I go there will be trouble. if I stay it will be double.” The Clash. In every job I ever worked there are forces compelling me to stay and forces urging me to go.

Disappointment

10:55am I went back and read old posts. One of them mentioned how I wanted to do good at this job. Help my boss be successful. I also said I was afraid I would fail and disappoint. Four months later I feel I have. Census is down. Revenue is down. Confidence is lost. There are factors beyond me but I still am responsible. I failed

results scorecard

6:19am Saturday. Achieving goals are difficult. Making money, hitting budget. Similar to baseball if i get a positive result 3 out of 10 times I consider that a success. I have looked back at my career since end of 2009/beginning of 2010. First job since being a chaplain sales. I was successful and got results. But it was more from the team around me than me. Second job, executive director. Did not get results. Third job director of sales. Got results. fourth job, vice president of sales. a wash. The census and revenue went down but I don’t own it. Fifth job, marketing director. Got results because had good team. sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth jobs didn’t get results but tough situations. 10 job. true start up. Got results I am proud of but did not achieve volume or consistency. 11 job, executive director. Got results. 12 job. not getting results. My own personal scorecard. 6 out of 12 situations I got positive results.

Frustrated with team

5:47am after a good start to the week I had an anxiety attack yesterday afternoon. It wasn’t associated any event. I just went to work after lunch and was in a terrible mood. I don’t want to own negative energy. I am frustrated with the performance of my team. As a leader I need to improve their performance or replace them. I am not doing my job by allowing it to continue

Work /Life balance

5:17am Monday. I am truly happy. I have balance in my life. I enjoy my free time. I work hard on days I work. I disengage and relax when I am not at work. I look forward to my future. I appreciate all I have. When I moved to Arizona everything was about work. I focused on my job. Now I can do well at work and enjoy life. I have found who I am as a worker. A parent. A husband. A son.

Palm desert

9:31am made it to palm desert. Enjoying the drive. Memories of being a sales leader for skilled nursing. I realize I don’t say much about that. The memories are not on par with being the chaplain but it is the second most valued work experience. I traveled around California, Nevada, Utah, Arizona. Also went to Ohio, Michigan, Washington, Colorado for that job. Palm desert was one of my buildings. I stayed here often. Feels comfortable.

First time

1:43am this is my first time truly leading a hospice operation. I have been around hospice for over 20 years. I have been a director before. I am know what it takes to be successful. What good care looks like. but this is the first time I am in control. When I was the chaplain or in sales I didn’t control clinical services. The first time I was a director I wasn’t engaged. The second time I didn’t have time to get settled. I am in control. I expect excellence from people who represent me. I do not give up.

Reason for overdrive lost

12:19pm doing ops call this week drained me. But the situation last week has just popped my balloon. I feel small. This is a good test. Focus. Grow. Lead.

Overdrive lost

9:17am Wednesday at work. For the last week i have lacked energy. I don’t feel sick. Just that extra gear is missing. I don’t have overdrive. I have mixed feelings about that. On one hand I miss the energy. On the other I am happy to quit obsessing. I need to do my job without burning out

improve

5:55am yesterday was difficult at work. After a nights sleep I realize as the leader we will use the experience to get better. We will improve. It is the opportunity to reach the next level. Change does not happen without pain.