2:34pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA, Monday afternoon, January 2, 2022. There is a donut hole in my quest for happiness. When I avoid work, stress-free mornings are followed by tediously empty afternoons. However, embracing challenge means my free time is pervaded with unmanageable anxiety. Avoiding work causes existential angst, embracing it means crippling pressure. I try to find balance but, in reality, I am not sure it is possible. No matter what, there will always be something missing. It is best to accept the situation and make peace with the vacancy, whatever form that may be.
Category: work stress
A long week ahead
6:27pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA, Monday night, December, 26, 2022. Came to Palm Desert instead of staying in Aliso Viejo tonight. Originally the plan was to take Tuesday off, fly to Salt Lake City with mom, turn around, fly back, then drive to Palm Desert Wednesday afternoon. However, the clinical manager here in Palm Desert had a family emergency so, she is not available to open the office tomorrow. I altered my vacation plans to be here as needed. Unfortunately, that meant traveling on an extremely busy afternoon. A drive that normally takes 2 hours took closer to four. I am tired and getting ready for bed. It feels like this is going to be a long week.
Much needed
8:02 pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Aliso Viejo, California, USA, Friday night, December 23, 2022. Made it to Orange County early this afternoon. After dropping mom off at the hotel in Lake Forest, I picked my daughter up to do some Christmas shopping. Now we are watching YouTube and eating pizza. I am happy to be away from work for the next couple of days. Time to relax and enjoy much needed time off.
Ready for the week to be done
7:17pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA, Thursday night, December 22, 2022. I had to provide a counseling form to an employee today. Such matter are never easy, not for me, nor the employee involved. Unfortunately, the situation escalated to needing a second, more intense, conversation in the afternoon. Which will now be followed by a final discussion tomorrow. At this point, all my energy is drained. I am ready for the week to be done and to move on to our holiday celebration. Tomorrow afternoon mom and I return to Orange County. Hopefully the trip goes well and we can get some last minute shopping in before enjoying time as a family.
Between 2pm and 4pm
1:58pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Aliso Viejo, California, USA, Tuesday afternoon, December 13, 2022. I get anxious at work, especially when the afternoon rolls around. After lunch I start to daydream about taking time off and not having to be accountable. However, when I am not at the office, or at work for that matter, I still get anxious in the afternoon. I guess some moment during the day has to be the low point. For me, it is the hours between 2pm and 4pm. Once I am past that time that the day is good.
Worse than I anticipated
6:04pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA, Wednesday night, December 7, 2022. Today was even longer than yesterday. After a full day of meetings, our branch office was inundated with various problems including staff behavior issues and billing mistakes. We tried to address all the concerns in a timely manner but, there were just too many. Therefore they have to wait and be tackled first thing tomorrow morning. Unfortunately, the meetings also continue tomorrow. And they will be longer and more intense than today. I am beyond tired and grouchy. I knew this would be a tough week but, it is worse than I anticipated.
Lost the ability
6:39pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA, Tuesday evening, November 29, 2022. Today was disappointing. Nothing specifically bad happened but, nothing felt particularly good either. Lately, it has been hard embracing the stress of work without craving the value of its rewards. I am not questioning my desire to work, free time is just as stressful in its own way. Rather, I worry I’ve lost the ability to feel genuine joy any more.
It has been a grind
6:17pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA, Thursday evening, November 17, 2022. Finishing another week in Palm Desert. It has been a grind. I am eager to get on the road, get out of here for a couple days and recharge mentally. My friend from Texas is in the Arizona apartment now so I am heading to Orange County tomorrow. If I have the energy I will look at potential places to live. Things are moving fast, I need to think about where I am going to live next.
No fun week
6:46pm, pacific standard time, Palm Desert, California, USA, Tuesday night, November 15, 2022. Today felt nonstop and yet I barely got anything done. The to-do list gets longer every passing hour and I don’t have enough time, or energy, to address everything. I am exhausted, and tomorrow is busier. Weeks like this are no fun.
Which is best?
6:08am, pacific standard time, hotel in Dublin, California, USA, Wednesday morning, October 12, 2022. I don’t feel secure because of constant worry at work; a forgotten task, a difficult decision gone awry or an important metric missed. At any time my career could fall apart. I hate living with the stress but I wonder; is it best to face challenge and potential failure or, should I play it safe and enjoy security? The latter seems smarter, but I always choose the former.
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