Things have settled down

5:58pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Dublin, California, USA, Tuesday evening, September 27, 2022. I woke up early this morning after a restless nights sleep. Work issues kept me awake and stressed. I went to the gym and had a good workout before heading to the office at 7:30am. Things seemed to have settled down by the afternoon. Tomorrow is my last full day in Dublin before heading back to Arizona for the weekend.

Some days are better than others

7:29pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Dublin, California, USA, Monday night, September 27, 2022. Long day. Woke up at 5:30am to get to the airport in time for phones calls and meetings. Then I flew in to Las Vegas, Nevada to catch a connection to Sacramento, California. By the time I landed in Sacramento my phone was inundated with staffing issues and payroll problems. I scrambled to get my luggage, rental car and a good enough wifi signal to finish some work. By the time I got to the hotel I was physically exhausted. And yet my phone keeps ringing. Some days are better than others. Today was no fun at all.

Better stress

7:03pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Dublin, California, USA, Wednesday evening, September 21, 2022. A little bit of rain and cooler weather finally made it feel like fall, which is wonder. Today was a busy day at the office; lots of admissions and phone calls. It is good to be busy; there is still a lot of stress but, it is better than the alternative stress caused by not being busy enough.

I am drained

5:49pm, pacific standard time, hotel in San Bernardino, California, USA, Tuesday evening, September 13, 2022. Today started with me conducting an emotionally charged meeting. By the time it was over I felt exhausted. But with no time to regroup I went to the branch office and did one-on-one training for seven hours. Now I am drained. The rest of my evening is dinner and sports television followed by reading a new book.

Ready to be over

6:21am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Tuesday evening, June 21, 2022. First interview this morning was interesting. Talked with the company CEO. He asked questions about high school, my brother, parents etc. He seemed more interested in chatting than discussing the job. On one hand it was relaxed but, on the other, not very productive. The second interview today was late afternoon, 3:30pm. It was for the job in Rancho Cucamonga, California . I had low expectations but, turned out to be the best meeting of the day. Still in the initial stages with that one so more to come. The 3rd, and last, interview, was directly after the second. It went alright. A one-on-one with a corporate clinical leader. Not necessarily insightful but, not terrible. For the rest of the week I have; an initial meeting 9am tomorrow with. Recruiter about a position here in Phoenix, a third interview Thursday morning with one of the Riverside groups, and potentially an interview Friday with the other Riverside, California group. To be honest, it is all very confusing, and slightly frustrating. I am ready for the process to be over.

Lack of professionalism

2:28pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Friday afternoon, May 20, 2022. Last Thursday, regional management came to the office early. At 9am they started meeting with staff, letting them know their positions had been eliminated. When they were done they met with me. They said my position was eliminated but, I could stay on if I wanted with a reduction in pay and title. Mind you, no formal offer was presented, nor was a severance agreement available if I declined. Nonetheless, I asked for a day to think about it. On Friday, I went to the office, took care of some things and turned the offer down. That was a week ago. Though I have asked for paperwork formalizing the separation numerous times, I have not received any information regarding the decision, the status of my benefits or a severance package. I am dumbstruck by the actions of this company and extremely disappointed by the lack of professionalism.

Layoffs

5:42, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Thursday morning, May 12, 2022. Since this past weekend I have felt a unique sense of peace. Ironically, it is because I half-thought I would lose my job on Monday. The worksite has not been doing well for some time and, as the leader, responsibility ultimately falls on me. Hence, the stress of being relieved of my position is ever constant. To protect my psyche I began cataloguing possible benefits of not working; I could enjoy the trip back to Utah/Wyoming with my mom tomorrow, appreciate a relaxing week in Arizona when I return, then travel to Orange County, spend time with my daughter, and not rush back to a dreaded Monday. Those thoughts have buoyed me through the week. But, yesterday after work, the regional supervisor texted me and said she would be in the office this morning at 9am to layoff staff. I honestly don’t know if I will be one of the casualties. Either way, If I am let go or not, people I have worked with for over a year will lose their jobs today. And there is no amount of mental gymnastics I can do to make that situation feel good.

What is the point of continuing?

5:52am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Tuesday morning, April 26, 2022. I was out of the office marketing yesterday afternoon. There were a couple of good conversations with physician office personnel but, ultimately I didn’t make the most important connection; getting a referral for a new patient. At this point I am ready to call it quits. The situation not improving and I am frustrated. What is the point of continuing if the results never change?

I am sick of the stress

7:55pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Friday night, April 8, 2022. Going for a walk right after I wake up is therapeutic. The physical exercise and quality alone time contribute to what I consider my greatest happiness; enjoying solitude in the pre-dawn dark, sifting through treasured memories and anticipating a future yet to be lived. On a really good day, when I am reviewing familiar musings, my spirit soars and I feel contentment. The trick is to see how long I can stay in that joy until negativity pierces the cocoon. Once that happens everyday garbage floods my thoughts. Then the effect is ruined until I can wake up the next day and do the whole routine again. Often, I think back to when I was a chaplain. The job was demanding but, there was enough down time to stay in prolonged moments of bliss. The job I have now violently destroys the very things that make me happy. I am sick of the stress. I don’t want to spend every morning dreading what I have become.