Do I want to get fired?

7:25pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Thursday evening, April 7, 2022. This morning I speculated about being put on a performance improvement plan at work. It wouldn’t have been surprising; when things are going bad a change in leadership is often necessary. Alas, it didn’t happen, but is that a good thing? This site has been struggling for years and frankly, I am tired of being associated with it. I want to get back to my daughter, take some time off and recharge my energy. The problem is I don’t have the guts to give up and quit. What if I resign and things aren’t better? What if I go farther into debt, or take another job that ends up being worse? I would have to live with the fact I made a terrible mistake. Getting fired is a different energy; if I get fired I am not the idiot that quit a decent job because he couldn’t handle a little pressure. Rather, I am a guy forced into a tough situation doing whatever is necessary to survive. What I really want is for someone to make a difficult decision for me. Being forced out sucks but, I find pretentious indignation a far more motivating energy than calculated withdrawal.

I hate this job

Monday was filled with despair; threats of closing the site down, unfulfilled promises and constant haranguing about revenue left me drained. Perhaps I am getting too thin skinned to be in such a positions. For years I have worked at publicly traded, for profit organizations and constantly faced such demands. This seems more extreme. Then again, I don’t know if I dealt with it all that well in the past either. I hate this job.

Is that a threat?

5:16am, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Friday morning, March 18, 2022. I can’t calm my thoughts and the world feels sour. 99% of the problem has to do with census and referrals. “Operations review is at the end of the month, we need to show growth.” Is that a threat? To me? To my staff? What is going to happen and how long do we have to turn things around? I am so tired and need a vacation, but I don’t see how that is possible. There are no senior leaders on staff, systems still need to be implemented and lay offs loom as a real possibility. Not achieving budget is never good for job security. Cuts eventually will need to be made. No position is safe, and that very much includes my job as well.

How cruel I can be to myself

2:45pm, parking lot in Phoenix, Arizona, Tuesday afternoon, March 14, 2022. Just finished a work meeting across town this afternoon. When it was over I headed back to the office. The moment I was alone in my car I began savagely destroying everything about my “performance” with a brutal and relentless attack. Nothing was off limits; my appearance, my personality, the clothes I wore, what I said or didn’t say, how I felt, what was said to me or not said, how I perceived others opinion of me. I went over every single detail and came up with the worst possible outcome for each. Now I feel broken and small. It is amazing how cruel I can be to myself.

If I wanted to spend my time marketing

5:53pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday evening, March 14, 2022. The day started with a tense marking meeting. The numbers aren’t where they should be, therefore, I spent my afternoon in the west valley, following up with old connections, trying to build lost business from last years sale. The meetings were positive, and potentially productive, but if I wanted to spend my time marketing, I would still have a marketing job.

That effing office

5:58pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Thursday night, March 10, 2022. Burn out is creeping into my soul. Work became chaotic at the beginning of the year and has remained that way ever since. I thought things would slow down, but they have not, and probably never will. I am so damn frustrated and I am beyond tired of going into that effing office everyday.

Draining

6:07pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday evening, March 2, 2022. The employee quit before we could share a corrective action plan. The resignation was a blessing because her performance was detrimental to the team and it meant we didn’t need to draw out the process any longer. After that I presented financials to the regional team. The day has been draining. I am ready to just go to bed and fall asleep.

Curl up in a ball

6:14pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday evening, March 1, 2022. Last night I woke up in a panic, thinking about issues with billing for the prior month. The problem seems somewhat resolved but operations review is tomorrow afternoon. There is no way it will end up well. Some days I want to just curl up in a ball and hide from the world.

Bad mouthing me

6:41pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday night, February 28, 2022. Today was alright. I had a little too much wine after dinner last night so the time went slow. There was no painful hangover but my energy was lacking. There is a lot of stress on the team right now, myself included. The time has come to address the performance of a key team member. We have to make a change in that position in order to be profitable. I am not used to that aspect of the job. I have helped move people out that have bad attitudes, but not someone simply because they aren’t good at their job. She has been bad mouthing me behind my back though, so it won’t be that hard.

Getting fired sucks

7:12pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Thursday night, February 24, 2022. Did not hear back from the Orange County interview and don’t really expect to. In hindsight it was a pretty disappointing experience. Usually when a company flies a candidate in for an interview an offer follows. I expected more for having cleared a whole day to meet with them. I imagined a full itinerary. First, a sit down meeting to discuss more specifics details, followed by nice lunch and possibly a drive East to to the other location. Instead I was one of three tightly stacked in person interviews. They even said they had another phone interview! Weird. I guess every situation is unique, they can do what they want. On another note, the company I am with now fired our longest tenured employee today. Only a couple of people know and they are devastated. Morale will be low for the next couple days. I called him after work and we had a good talk. Nice guy. He has a lot going for him and it was time for a change. But still, getting fired sucks.