Category: work stress

A difficult decision to be made

5:53pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday evening, February 22, 2022. This morning was busy with back to back meetings. The afternoon was slower so I caught up on overdue assignments. Tomorrow I fly to a job interview in Orange County. The choice to stay in Arizona or go back to California looms large. Either way a difficult decision will need to be made.

Crush my own soul

5:52pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday evening, February 9, 2022. The meeting with senior leadership was this afternoon. Nothing too groundbreaking got discussed beyond typical corporate talking points: 1. How can we help you? 2. You know we are here to support you, right? 3. Why aren’t you making more money?” Toward the end I said something about marketing strategy. The senior VP replied with a different take. Afterwards she moved on and likely forgot the whole exchange. I on the other hand have heaped torrents of abusive self-talk all over my psyche for three straight hours, chastising myself over and over for being stupid, for not thinking before I speak and for making myself look ignorant. It really is over the top and way too much for something so minor. Yet I can’t stop. Sometimes I swear I deliberately try to crush my own soul, just to see how sick I can get.

Few people enjoy work right now

6:09pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday night, February 7, 2022. The girls in the office were happy this see me this morning. I was happy too. Not from being at the office so much as just being appreciated. We are busy, there is a lot that needs to get done; procedures to implement and problems to address. For the most part nothing catastrophic has occurred but time will tell if that holds true. Pressure to grow the census in the midst of integration has overwhelmed us. Few people enjoy work right now, myself included.

Money changes everything

3:28pm, office, Phoenix, Arizona, Tuesday afternoon, January 25, 2022. The regional leadership team got new bosses this past month. It has changed the dynamic of our relationship. No longer are they patient and supportive, but rather nervous and insecure. All they can focus on are numbers; did we get more referrals? Has the census increased? Are we achieving revenue targets? The change was inevitable but still disappointing. I shouldn’t be surprised, money changes everything.

Manic breaking

5:45am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday morning, December 14, 2021. I am usually a low-key guy but every now and then I have episodes where my energy gets stuck in manic mode. It is not fun when this happens because I constantly get frustrated for stupid reasons when I am manic. This past episode started a week ago. There was no discernible trigger I am aware of, I just knew it was starting because the arrival of Friday did not provide any joy whatsoever. I was in perpetual, shitty Monday energy. As a result, the last three days were useless. Thankfully, the episode broke this morning. When I went for a walk and worked out I was resigned too another crappy day. But as I was leaving the gym I looked up and saw Christmas lights on a second story balcony. In that moment a little sprig of calm caught hold in my chest and started to clear the poison. For the life of me I could not tell you why that image, that time and the particular thoughts bouncing around head broke the spell. All I know was something popped in me that had the slightest kernel of relief and that was all I needed. Ironically, a part of me wants to be upset the weekend was wasted, but to tell you the truth, I am just relieved its over.

Whoops

7:53am, just got to the office, Phoenix, Arizona, Monday morning, December 13, 2021. I got out of my car and realized my clothes don’t match. I changed shoes at the last second but didn’t change belts. My belt brown and my shoes are black. Of course it is on the day I have two new employees starting and the nurses coming in for a meeting. Whoops.

Quitters?

2:50pm in my office, Phoenix Arizona, Friday afternoon, December 10, 2021. The windshield repair guy I referenced this morning no showed for the 11am appointment. I will find somewhere else to take my car next week, hopefully the window doesn’t crack on the way to California. Also, the triage nurse that I referenced last week as surly and lacking compassion quit without notice two hours before her shift was supposed to start. It has been one of those days.