Category: work stress

Ugh

2:13pm, in my office, South Phoenix, Tuesday Afternoon. Here is a quote from a post yesterday: “The office girl that was out for two weeks with covid came back. She said she had a negative test but she sounds awful.” Update: She just found out she is actually COVID positive.

Covid

9:20am Monday morning after thanksgiving, in my office. The office girl that was out for two weeks with covid came back. She said she had a negative test but she sounds awful. A triage nurse is quitting rather than getting the covid vaccine so we don’t have coverage at night next week. Our clinical director is still out with covid and our marketing manager’s family is all sick with covid.

stress

5:37am, Thursday, apartment, Arizona. I woke up this morning in a panic. My chest was heavy and I couldn’t catch my breath. I stumbled to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face while taking deep breaths. After a minute I felt calmer but it was frightening. Everyday the stress seems heavier and work more frustrating. I am tired of problems that never resolve, tasks that are not completed and excuses that are implausible. This causes me to examine so much about life; maybe I am not cut out for leadership, perhaps I should work for a different company, or is it a matter of making changes in key positions? Whatever the case the issues must be addressed before I cause myself serious harm.

Catalytic

8:30am at the office in Arizona. One of the employees had the catalytic converter stolen from her car yesterday afternoon. The thief crawled underneath her vehicle and dismantled the exhaust system. Upon starting the engine she knew something was wrong, it sounded awful, as you would suspect when the exhaust system is broken. She came back into the office distraught. I calmed her down and gave her a ride home. Her step dad brought her to work this morning and is taking care of the situation. It is an older car. I suspect after filing a police report and insurance claim the vehicle will be totaled out. It got me thinking about life. How the car was productive for years; Driving to work, taking vacations, running errands. Then, in an instant, the value is stolen by an unknown stranger. Life is fragile. Things change quickly and your value can diminish overnight.

Jobs

6:14am Arizona, home. I realize I don’t like sales jobs. I don’t apply for them any more. I don’t like operations jobs either. Yet I am enticed by the money they pay and the challenge of getting a job. I need to be disciplined and have stability. Be a chaplain and find my thrills some other way than getting jobs I don’t like.

Rhythm

9:57am Monday, at work l. The week has a rhythm. Sunday at 2pm energy drops low and contours to go down throughout the evening. Monday morning is still low. Then there is a slight perk up as the day begins and evening comes. I survived the first day. But that energy is short lived. Tuesday comes like a second Monday. Wednesday feels heavy but picks up after lunch. By Wednesday evening I can see the finish line. Thursday is filled with anticipation. Friday is wonderful. Saturday is a time of enjoyment and Sunday morning is peaceful. Then it all starts again. I look to read the most on Sunday evening. I want commiseration.

Frustrating

8:24am Thursday. The calls come in first thing in the morning. Angry family members, disappointed referral sources. They have expectations for service and they cannot be met. There is not enough staff. We have stopped bringing on clients and the census is going down but it is still too much for those that are trying to provide care.

The Auditor

6:08am Thursday morning. At that point the auditor came in. It had been rumored she was difficult to get along with and not very well liked. But when you talk with her she appears pleasant and accommodating. She singled me out because I was the director. I listened to what she had to say and dutifully answered her questions. I found her pleasant enough and had no reason to question her sincerity. Her name was Joyce. She wore a black silk face covering over her mouth and nose, which made me notice her hazel eyes and red hair. She had on a green pant suit and was pulling a computer bag behind her. After getting seated in the conference room she began to set up her computer for the audit.

Sunday evening

6:14pm Sunday evening, Arizona. Then I realized a truth. All my stress, all my sadness initiated from doubt. Doubt I was worth loving, doubt I could complete a work assignment, doubt I could win a competition. Doubt weighed me down like an anchor pulling my happiness to the abyss. I had always dealt with stress by trying to run away. When I couldn’t figure out how to escape I felt more stress. The answer was to not run away. To not doubt. Only I could choose to be confident in the face of adversity. Vanquish doubt and remove stress.