Category: work stress

Sunday night

8:18pm I am in a resentful mood. I have been at this job for six months. Things should be settling in. Instead I am dealing with constant upheaval. That creates a battle inside me. half of me wants to do what I always do. own the failure. Blame myself. The other half refuses to take blame. That half of me is pissed this situation was so bad to begin with. I like the latter half of me. I will not take the blame for this garbage heap.

Tired of work

6:55am I am tired of thinking about and writing about work. I looked at other jobs and even applied for one today. I had another nurse call off. That means Three of four triage nurses are out. My clinical director is out. Another nurse turned in her resignation yesterday. I have never seen a program meltdown like this.

Mindset

6:08am in the apartment. I had trouble falling asleep last night. No matter what I could not get comfortable. I thrashed around and changed positions until I finally fell asleep. I woke up late and didn’t get out of the house until after 5:30am. By that time The sun was shining. it was too hot and late to do the full route so the dog and I took a shortcut home. When we got back I fed her and gave her some water. Then I got myself something to eat and drank some water myself. Now I am on the couch with a cup of coffee and a toaster pastry writing this post. I thought about my mindset at work as I walked this morning. I tried to be objective examining my approach to this current situation. What fascinates me is how subtle thoughts pop into my head and trigger emotions. How I have a feeling and it evokes set beliefs. Basically I have programmed myself to expect certain outcomes based on previous experiences whether they are true or not. The perfect example of “self-fulfilling prophecy.” With the situation at work I want to lump my current circumstances in with other jobs from the last twelve years. I want to feel what I always felt; helpless, misunderstood, unlucky, under appreciated. But this is situation is different. In the past I was doing just sales. I had one job, grow the business. Get referrals. If I didn’t get that one result I was gone. This job I need to get results but I have something I didn’t have before. Control. I control what is being sold. Until now I was expected to get prospects and complete sales regardless if the offering was of value. It was frustrating and often hopeless. This situation is different. With control I have maneuvered the service in such a way to make it better. I have trained good clinical staff. I have hired good marketers to sell the product. The pieces are in place. Everyone wants results. I want results. I have done a good job with the shitty deal I have inherited. I have done a lot and continue to do more. The referrals, admissions and revenue are the lag measure. They are coming.

Still play?

8:49am in my office. The referral from last night fell through. I am jaded. I knew something would go wrong. The patient had been put on palliative care with another hospice and the family chose to go with them. We went from an immediate need imminently dying patient to the admission being put off. Now it is gone altogether. Frustrating. Another set back in an already rough month. The question I have been pondering all morning is how long to still play the game? I think about the scenario of being a chaplain and my wife cutting hair. Find a small town, build a quiet life. Live simple. Her work is just as stressful. She does marketing for a pest control company. We both are beholden to numbers and financial results. Should we stop playing the game or keep going?

Journeyman

9:17am I was contacted by a former sales colleague this morning. He asked me to be a reference for a new job. I said I would be happy to. I feel for the guy. He has had a similar career arc in sales that I had. He is a former athlete. Competitive guy. Really nice. But just not able to produce final results. At my present job I enjoy the work, feel I am doing good. But the census and revenue just aren’t there. My sales failure continue to dog me. Even when I am not in sales!