Late check in

9:56am This morning was busy. I Wanted to crawl in a hole and just disappear. Now that the day has started I feel a little better. I am tired of having to give myself a massive pep talk every day.

A good place

8:00am yesterday I had a fleeting memory of what it was like to have job security. What it felt like to be the chaplain in my prime. ever since then I have been happy. With my family being out last week and the strong memory I am in a good place.

4th of July

3:55pm killing time before going to a firework show tonight at seven. Ordered bbq for delivery. Feeling conflicted and anxious. I don’t look forward to the rest of the month.

Back at the pool

12:00pm back at the pool. Last day the family is here. It has been chaotic and exhausting having the family here. yet I dread them leaving. I don’t want to be alone. we are going to go to a drive in firework show tonight. I have felt anxious. Starting to think about work. Need to stay present. In the moment.

Funk

3:51pm went to the facility to get the contract signed. The administrator wasn’t there. Talked to a nurse. She was rude and wouldn’t sign the form. A nice cap to an emotional week. The last three weeks have been a downer. I am in a funk. I don’t feel optimistic.

Really messed up

12:33pm the messed up thing is that my behavior has real world consequences. By staying in my head and not interacting with people my job performance suffers. The site I am responsible for suffers. I will lose my job. My income, my home. Yet that is easier than meeting with people. Oddly enough, I like meeting with people. I am not afraid. I just don’t know how to initiate encounters. I don’t know how to make it worth their time. I don’t know how to call to action, close a sale, get the business. My efforts feel futile. So I just hang on until I am kicked out. I will get another job and repeat the process.

Trying to have it all

5:57am the first time I felt panic was in 2006. I overextended myself at work and started my MBA. I had too much going on. I tried to find peace by resolving every issue that caused stress. I failed. There was always something to solve. I couldn’t relax. I feel the same now. I keep try to find a way to make everything alright. There is never going to be that moment. This is as close as I will get. Today I will not try and solve everything. I will just be present.

Mental gymnastics

8:49am I do mental gymnastics when work isn’t going well. I have to do an honest assessment of my performance. I have to compare it to previous experiences. I have to get better while protecting my ego. I am the only me I have. I have to make alternate plans if the situation ends. I have to turn it around. I have to identify and overcome barriers. The assessing, fixing and protecting are exhaustive.

People pleaser

8:39am I am a people pleaser. I want people to be happy. I will tell them what they want to hear. That tendency hurts me. I need to under promise, over deliver. Point out the problems we are having. Then when we succeed it is a pleasant surprise. Side note: at work I have been trying to gloss over problems, not bad mouth people, promise big results. I set myself up to look bad. I need “play the game” better.

Disappointment

10:55am I went back and read old posts. One of them mentioned how I wanted to do good at this job. Help my boss be successful. I also said I was afraid I would fail and disappoint. Four months later I feel I have. Census is down. Revenue is down. Confidence is lost. There are factors beyond me but I still am responsible. I failed