Writing

5:36am Thursday when I write it is like taking a picture. It is one single moment Frozen. The emotions before and after that moment are swirling. A post like this pulls one thread from my thoughts, puts it on display and says “here is what I am thinking.” However even as I write I am aware of what I don’t say. All the other thoughts, threads and emotions. If I could capture what my mind is doing right now the narrative would be lost. Words would be jumbled, picture would be flashing in and out. viewpoints would instantly change. Worries would pop up then subside. I don’t stop thinking. I mull over feelings, ideas, beliefs. I push to the extreme until my ribs ache with anxiety. Then I spend hours trying to undo the knot. I write to have something for all I go through.

Keeping a journal

6:03am this morning on the walk I was trying to remember what I did on certain weekends. I couldn’t recall my activity on certain days. I thought to myself “I need to start keeping a journal and writing things down.” I got twenty feet further when I realized how funny that is. I have been writing everything down for six months.

Lead and Lag

11:27am sheer volume of content equals consistency. Consistency leads to focus. Volume, consistency, focus. All three are lag measures. opening up WordPress everyday, typing my fleeting thoughts is the lead measure

On a roll

7:54am this last week WordPress informed me I have made 1,000 posts. They also keep track of how many days in a row I have posted. I am up to 173. while I was walking the dog this morning I thought about my audience. Which is me. I am the audience that reads these posts. What do I find interesting? What posts do I read? Which ones do I glance over? I usually read the ones about relationships. The WIL. My daughter. Coming to terms with my marriage.

Friday night

10:03pm I get mad at myself when I write lot of posts in one day. I don’t get upset for writing down my thoughts. I appreciate the continuity when I go back and read them. I get mad because so many posts in one day makes it tedious when I transcribe them to a word document. I like to get through a certain number of days when I transfer the posts over for publication. If a day has many posts it takes longer to accomplish the task.

Bill Plaschke

I read Bill Plaschke’s writing in the Los Angeles Times. He has written so long he has a certain style. A cadence that draws me in. I was thinking about that this morning. The craft of writing. Of interacting with an audience. providing something of value.

Focus

6:09am writing these posts, thinking about publishing them. Focus. Singular theme(s) greatness is achieved by staying focused

Change

5:40am I don’t know how to change. How to be different. I don’t know what I would do if this blog were “discovered.” How would my world change if I received attention? I work in hospice. I have a public persona but the real me remains hidden. Writing these posts is a way to put myself out there to be discovered. But there is dissonance. The hospice director is a carefully crafted facade. It serves purpose. It is a image I use to make money and care for my family. The post writer is the inner me. He is the voice in my head. My best friend. what would I do if people at work saw these posts? What if prospective employers saw them? Family, friends. Strangers? I want more than anything to be known. I want more than anything to remain hidden.

Why?

9:17am do I write these posts to share what normally would stay hidden in my mind? Do I write them for others to possibly discover? Do I want family, friends, the WIL to discover it? Maybe after I die? Do I write them so I can see where I have been, what I was thinking? I just write them.

Audience of one

3:29pm I am putting together the book/compilation of the post from January until the start of work. The only audience is me. I will publish it electronically but don’t care who likes or reads it.