When I was younger I chewed tobacco. There were two times that I really craved tobacco. The first was after a meal. I would finish a meal and crave putting a big old dip in my lip and let the nicotine wash over me. The second was when I went for long drives. For two years when those moments arose I felt like it was incomplete like I was broken because I didn’t finish my routine my actions. I had to rewire my brain to quit a bad habit. I spit sunflower seeds, I drank coffee, I used tea leaves.

The addiction to chewing tobacco was hard to break but I knew I had to do it. If I didn’t stop chewing tobacco I would lose my teeth, get a painful cancer and most likely die. It was difficult to stop but I knew I had no other option. The fear of disfigurement, pain and death compelled me to sacrifice the enjoyment of routine and chemical pleasure of nicotine and quit chewing tobacco once and for all.

Not all decisions to change are so easy or the stakes so cut and dry. 15 years after I quit chewing tobacco I faced a situation in my career. I was making the most money I ever made, had a company car and credit card. I was making a good six figure salary and spending very little of it.

But I was miserable.

Depression and anxiety ate at me constantly. I was not living I was turning my stomach to knots, constantly thinking about how I wish I would die in a car accident so I no longer had to feel pain.

I knew I needed to change but I was not sure how.