You wouldn’t think you could feel so empty

6:29pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday evening, April 12, 2022. Our pet betta fish was dead when I got home from work yesterday. She had been sick for a while so it wasn’t really a big surprise. Still, that doesn’t make it easier to accept. Every time I walk through the kitchen I am reminded she’s not there. Her aquarium was cleaned and put away last night, replaced by an empty space on the kitchen counter, right below the cabinet where the coffee is stored. You wouldn’t think you could feel so empty, just because a little fish is gone, but you’d be wrong. Without another living thing to keep me company the silence becomes even more depressing. I am glad she isn’t suffering any more but, right now, I really miss her.

Arizona weekend

3:03pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Saturday afternoon, March 12, 2022. This is the first weekend in Arizona since the beginning of February. Not much going on but that is alright. Having a weekend of relaxation and doing nothing feels wonderful. I tried a new coffee shop this morning then watched a little television before grocery shopping. Now I am lying on the couch looking for a good movie to watch. I might just take a nap. Not sure what to do tonight, if anything.

I end up feeling empty

7:14pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Thursday night, January 20, 2022. Why do I watch people live life rather than actually have relationships? I sit on my couch, passively observing others compete, travel, converse, solve problems and face adversity while I do nothing. I am trapped in a vicious circle; Interacting with people physically drains me, yet watching them makes me feel emotionally vacant. I can’t win. Either way I end up feeling empty.

Internal identity/ External projection

5:43am, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Saturday morning, January 15, 2022. My internal identity is who I am. It is what inspires me, gives me joy and propels me to interact with the world. My external projection is what people see me as. It is the job I work, the relationships I keep, the values I hold. The more my internal narrative aligns with my external projection the happier I am. When they are aligned I am confident, attractive and successful. Here is a brief history of my internal narratives: In high school I was a rock star/baseball player. In college a rock star. In seminary I was a writer. After graduation I was an actor, then a writer again. Looking back I notice times my internal narrative and external projection did not align. Those were the darkest times of my life and subsequently, the times I felt most alone. For the past year I have felt aligned. Writing this blog is who I am internally. Sharing it with you gives me purpose. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I do writing it. Thank you for taking the time to hear what I have to say.

Will I ever be social again?

10:34am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Friday morning, December 10, 2021. I spend the vast majority of my time sitting silently alone, watching entertainment content on electronic devices, usually while eating food and/or drinking alcohol. We are talking tens of thousands of good youthful energetic hours wasted passively consuming the activities and relationships of others, while I do next to nothing. What is wrong with me? Why don’t I go out and live my life? It is not a stretch to say I am addicted to this behavior. I crave it, I fantasize about it and I plan my life around it. Is voyeurism really so much more appealing than actually being with people? Do I not know how to enjoy the company of others? Will I ever be social again?

Loss

9:33am Monday morning, Arizona, in the office. The WIL’s aunt passed away over the weekend. Her obituary was in the local Utah paper. I want to say something, tell her I am sorry, but I won’t. It isn’t my place to disrupt the separation she seems to want. It has been two years since we saw each other, over a year and a half since we spoke. I thought time would make things easier, but that isn’t the case at all. The loss feels more severe every moment I realize she is gone forever. I shouldn’t complain. Others are worse off. We all deal with loss; loss of health, loved ones, eventually our very lives. But today hurts more than usual.

Value

7:20pm Saturday evening, Arizona. Is it too much to hope that I would be of some value to others? To connect in some capacity by providing insight into the struggle of existence? Relationships are frustrating (you always feel a little alone), but this could be something meaningful in its own way.

Lonely

2:14pm Saturday. No matter where you are or who your with you always feel a little lonely.

Fight for survival

5:28am Tuesday. It rained on my walk this morning. Little drizzling drops giving way to wet and steady precipitation. The rain was colder than I expected. I took my phone with me because I was trying to track distance. Normally I don’t have my phone. The girls at work convinced me to join an activity that requires using an app. When the rain started I had no choice but to run so as to make it home before I was soaked and my phone was ruined. When I arrived back at my place I began to towel off. And there I realized I a nagging truth. I am unremarkable, some might say, below average. Inside me is a fight for survival, success, relevance? But am I doomed to strive and never achieve?

Friday morning

5:57am Friday morning. I couldn’t go back to bed Friday morning because my phone buzzed repeatedly. Feeling annoyed I quickly dressed and, without much thought otherwise, set out on a walk. It was early, the street was quiet, and I made my way east in the darkness. For a moment I thought I saw a woman across the road. But a brief flicker of headlights proved otherwise. I was as alone outside as I was in my apartment before I left.