Tag: anxiety

A Nice Easter Sunday

7:03am, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA, Monday morning, April 18, 2022, 4th day of vacation. Yesterday was a nice Easter Sunday. We went to the movies in the afternoon then met friends at a local park for a picnic. The movie was silly but, overall enjoyable. However, a part of me didn’t want to go on the picnic. There was no specific reason why I didn’t want to go just, sometimes, undefined anxiety makes it difficult for me to get to social events. Ironically, once I am there I relax and have a good time. The food was delicious at the picnic, we saw old friends and made new ones. After dinner an impromptu game of volleyball formed. We laughed and played until it got too dark to see.

Impromptu game of volleyball in the park, Laguna Niguel, California, USA, Easter Sunday, April 17, 2022

I hate this job

Monday was filled with despair; threats of closing the site down, unfulfilled promises and constant haranguing about revenue left me drained. Perhaps I am getting too thin skinned to be in such a positions. For years I have worked at publicly traded, for profit organizations and constantly faced such demands. This seems more extreme. Then again, I don’t know if I dealt with it all that well in the past either. I hate this job.

Less Anxiety

3:28pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Thursday afternoon, January 6, 2022. I am surprised my mental state continues to be good. It is rare I appreciate what I am going through rather than constantly looking ahead. Over the past decade most of my distress came from unrealistic expectations; the women I would love, the job I would have, the amount money I would make. Now, my expectations are tempered, and so is my anxiety.

Relatives visit and packing

9:50am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Tuesday morning, January 4, 2022. Yesterday my relatives stopped in Chandler to visit. We ate at the Mexican restaurant across the street from my apartment then sat and talked for a while. It was good to see them but I am exhausted. I need down time away from people and work. All morning I have struggled with a feeling of anxiety. Nothing specific is bothering me, yet I can’t relax. The last two days I have been going through things and packing, both at the office and at the apartment. Maybe I sense something subconsciously, or maybe it is just normal behavior at the start of a new year.

Perspective

7:53am I am able to find perspective. That reduces my anxiety. I can step outside my situation, be objective. Work has issues. One of the issues is low referral volume. I am fixing it. Instead of spiraling to despair I stay level. I address the issue. I have other ones to work on. I will address them like I do everything else. That is what I am paid to do. I had a dream last night. I was taking blame for issues at work. Then someone mentioned a professional basketball player and his problems in the playoffs. I said I would take blame for that. I caught myself in my dream. It was so absurd I realized I was just piling on problems whether I created them or not. This site had issues before I got here. I am committed to working on them, improving and growing.

Writing

5:36am Thursday when I write it is like taking a picture. It is one single moment Frozen. The emotions before and after that moment are swirling. A post like this pulls one thread from my thoughts, puts it on display and says “here is what I am thinking.” However even as I write I am aware of what I don’t say. All the other thoughts, threads and emotions. If I could capture what my mind is doing right now the narrative would be lost. Words would be jumbled, picture would be flashing in and out. viewpoints would instantly change. Worries would pop up then subside. I don’t stop thinking. I mull over feelings, ideas, beliefs. I push to the extreme until my ribs ache with anxiety. Then I spend hours trying to undo the knot. I write to have something for all I go through.

Fear and anxiety thielicke

“Fear always refers to something definite. I am afraid of getting wet because of certain meteorological factors. Or I am afraid of a political complication in view of certain observations and developments.”

“…anxiety refers to a a state which the question what is feared is either secondary or is not even asked. The indefiniteness of the threat is of the very essence of anxiety.” Helmut Thielicke, The Silence of God, pg 4