Feeling

5:42am I don’t feel much any more. My emotions are too scarred from years of anxious thought. What is the point of recounting the past? I am not who I once was. I will never will be that version of me again. A fleeting glimpse of the sun bursting through fluffy clouds above the mountains. Being intimate with the woman I love. Long drives through parts of northern Utah only I know. For so long I held on to those thoughts. Cherished them. Now they only remind me that I will disappear from the earth. I will die just as will everything I love.

Peace in the suffering

8:57am Saturday morning, palm desert. I often get anxious and frustrated. When I can’t quickly find peace I begin to panic. I start to believe I am trapped in an awful situation with no way out. I think about running away. Of trying to escape. Of death and dying. I would do anything to stop the suffering. Sometimes I go for walks. Get drunk. Try to distract myself. Then when I don’t think I can endure any longer the moment passes. I look back and wonder how it got so desperate. How I almost broke. I vow to change my circumstances. To change who I am. To never make myself that vulnerable again. But before long I feel happiness. I enjoy a moment of peace. At those times I forget how scared I was. What was at stake. How I nearly broke down, almost lost myself and nearly died. I go back to ignoring my worries and skip through life. Until I start to feel the fear and it starts all over again.

4th of July

3:55pm killing time before going to a firework show tonight at seven. Ordered bbq for delivery. Feeling conflicted and anxious. I don’t look forward to the rest of the month.

Back at the pool

12:00pm back at the pool. Last day the family is here. It has been chaotic and exhausting having the family here. yet I dread them leaving. I don’t want to be alone. we are going to go to a drive in firework show tonight. I have felt anxious. Starting to think about work. Need to stay present. In the moment.

Weird

I go into this weird state where I have energy, time to do stuff but I get all pissy and anxious and end up just stewing. Sometimes I don’t have any energy and other times I can’t properly direct it. How do I get it flowing and growing?