6:44pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Friday evening, April 1, 2022. Like most people, I have kept a running dialogue in my head with an imaginary audience since I was old enough to remember. Over the years that audience has consisted of many different entities; a vaguely defined cluster of friends, a camera crew, even God. It was cathartic believing someone, or something, cared about my most inner thoughts. After all, very few people have the time to listen, or regard, what others say. Consequently, to truly feel known, I didn’t see much recourse other than creating an eager fan base, imagined or otherwise. That started to change over the last couple of weeks. Writing consistently has alleviated my soul’s lonely drowning sensation and the need to concoct acceptance. My imaginary audience is disappearing. I am known (on some small level, but known nonetheless) through taking the time to write this post and share it with you.
Tag: Arizona
Wedding anniversary
6:23pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Thursday evening, March 31, 2022. Tomorrow, April 1st, is our 22nd wedding anniversary. I thought about leaving early to get to California in time but, I am not sure it matters. While we are still legally married, we aren’t romantic. Consequently, the day serves as a reminder of lost promises rather than loving commitment. I will say this, through it all, we survived. Barely. Time didn’t destroy our bond as much as left it gravely wounded. We are nice to each other, supportive, even friendly. However, just below the surface, deep scars run both ways. Scratch too deep and resentment easily bubbles to the forefront. There still hasn’t been a discussion about celebrating, or even acknowledging, the milestone this weekend. We probably won’t bother. The day is awkward and has been for some time now. Best to let it pass quietly, then continue existing in the familiar and muted cordiality that has come to dominate our current lives.
Always ends up being wrong
Written 6:09pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday evening, March 29, 2022. The office will permanently close soon. Two tense meetings yesterday pointing out a “lack of viability” made that clear. What does it mean for me, my family, our future if this office closes? I could stay in Arizona, get a new job, see what next year looks like. I could look for a job in California like I planned, but last month I applied and interviewed for a job in Orange County and it wasn’t a great experience. I could pack everything up, go to Wyoming/Utah, be close to my mom (she will be 80 this year). I could try someplace new (Las Vegas?) I am frustrated. I can’t keep looking for-and taking- jobs I don’t have the talent or desire to do. I am caught in a vicious circle; my resume and financial needs keep me looking for executive jobs, and I am good enough to get them. But after a year (if not sooner) we are sick of each other and disappointed with the results. It is absurd. I need to make a change. There is creative energy that flows pure in my heart. I want to honor and pursue that. Where does it lead, if anywhere? Can I set ego and practicality aside? Am I selfish for wanting to change? No matter what the choice, it always ends up being wrong.
The flow of water reminds me
Written 5:52am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday morning, March 28, 2022. When I am stressed at work I evoke my creative spirit. With that, peaceful images of water flowing through my chest calms me. This is evolution. Previously, I sought solace in escape, nostalgia, or giving up; unproductive acts motivated by fear. Now I know, the path forward is creativity and, more importantly, community. For decades I did not interact with others that held similar interests, nor did I engage an audience. I remained alone, vacillating between a past I could no longer obtain, while lamenting a present I never enjoyed. But I can be happy, do something I am passionate about, all while working with motivated and inspiring people. I don’t need to waste another minute regretting my choices. The world holds a beautiful, new, glorious destiny, and everyday the flow of water reminds me.
What happened Saturday
5:30am, Sunday morning, March 27, 2022. Left Arizona at 5am Saturday morning and headed west. First stop, Blythe, California. After a quick bathroom break I was back on the road making good time. Just outside Palm Desert my daughters mom called. She is having issues with her car and needs to buy something new. She also needed toilet paper so I picked some up on the way into town. I made it to Dana Point at 11:30am. An hour later my daughter and I went to the post office to mail a package and pick up the mail. Then we got lunch and hit the mall, but we didn’t buy anything. Once we got home we started playing a video game and did that the rest of the night.
Doing what needs to be done
5:30am*, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Saturday morning, March 26, 2022. (This is the first time I am using the scheduled post option. Actual writing time is 6:30pm, Friday, March 25, 2022. If all goes well I should be on the road to Orange County by 5:30am tomorrow morning. But I wanted to schedule this post because I believe consistently delivering at a regular time, first thing in the morning, is beneficial to you, the reader. It sets clear expectations of when you will see a post from me and that creates more of a mutually beneficial connection between us. Or so I hope. Either way, you can definitely tell I went to sales training this week.) The sales manager came to my office yesterday afternoon to discuss our second quarter marketing plan. I blocked out one hour for the session, but it ended up lasting four. I didn’t want to spend that much time working on marketing but, there isn’t much choice anymore; revenue is down and financials must improve. So many people above and below us depend on this site to be successful. We can’t let them down. Personally, this represents a completely new level of understanding; prior to this, the only person I ever cared about was me. As a result, I repeatedly struggled as a leader, a husband and a parent. I never truly embraced any role with heightened responsibility because I was scared of failure. I shied away from commitment to avoid being rejected. I lived a life of constant upheaval, skipping out on dedication because of fear. Well, I am not scared any more. I accept the situation and will do what needs to be done to succeed.
So anything is possible
5:26am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Friday morning, March 25, 2022. The corporate training session ended yesterday at 3pm. Instead of going to the office I grabbed a couple beers on the way home, took a nap then watched basketball. The evening was relaxing. I got to call my mom (she was driving to Salt Lake City), see what is going on in the news and enjoy the games. Now it is time to bear down and catch up on work. There are so many tasks piled up I can’t get them all done right away. I will go into the office at 8am and get as much done as I can. At least it is Friday, so I only have to work one day before the weekend. Tomorrow I will go to Orange County and spend time with my daughter. We haven’t made any definitive plans but the weather will be nice so anything is possible.
Another morning tomorrow
5:29am, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Thursday morning, March 24, 2022. If everything about my time in Arizona was to end tomorrow I would miss mornings the most; going for a walk in the neighboring subdivision, listening to 80’s Hair metal and watching sports talk television while working out, then coming back to the apartment to catch the weather and drink coffee. What I do at my job is in many ways irrelevant to my memories. It is just something I do to take up 10 hours of time so I can get one step closer to another morning tomorrow.
Focusing on something, anything else
5:34am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday morning, March 23, 2022. Yesterday’s training ran right up to 5pm, followed by a team building dinner in Tempe. It was after 9pm when I finally walked in the door, got ready for bed and fell asleep. To conserve energy, I skipped this morning’s early walk and gym workout. The training resumes at 8am today, so no lazy morning routine like yesterday. My daughter called last night. I talked to her while at the restaurant waiting for our food order to be served. She hasn’t called or responded to texts lately so I was thankful to hear from her. She wanted to discuss anime and a new figurine she got. I have to admit, her excitement is contagious. She has me looking for figurines I want to buy for myself! I know I said this yesterday but, it is so nice to be out of the office and focusing on something, anything, else.
Good morning Phoenix
5:39am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday morning, March 22, 2022. The company is holding a three day sales training at a hotel by the airport in Phoenix this week. It starts this morning at 9:30am. They had a couple of extra spots available and offered them to directors. When I agreed to go I mistakenly thought it was just for one day. When I realized the truth I began to feel stress. Being out of the office three days would put me even further behind. But now that the time has arrived, I am grateful. Since the training starts later, my morning is not rushed. I am going to read a little longer, have an extra cup of coffee and listen to some music. It feels so good to know I don’t have to go to the office. My already late tasks may back up more but, a change in perspective is very much appreciated.
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