Not much going on, I got a haircut

6:02am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Monday morning, March 21, 2022. The drive to Arizona yesterday was exhausting. I left Orange County a quarter after eleven, stopped for gas and a quick haircut (the first in over two years, my daughters mom has been cutting my hair since March of 2020), then was on the road by noon. I noticed yesterday morning the East bound interstate was closed for construction around Glendale (Arizona) so I factored in extra drive time. However, about sixty miles from Phoenix, GPS started adding large chunks of time. Apparently, in addition to construction, a major accident was backing traffic up significantly. The result was a long, slow, detour through crowded industrial areas on the west side of Phoenix. By the time I walked in the door of the apartment at 6:30pm I was tired and cranky. I let everyone know I arrived safely before eating dinner and going to bed. Now it is time to get ready for another week of work.

It probably doesn’t matter

8:02am, Blythe, California, Saturday morning, March 19, 2022. Stopped just across the state line to rest for a bit and grab a cup of coffee. This morning started slow. I overslept and was in a hurry to make up time. Unfortunately, I got even further behind because of heavy construction traffic outside Phoenix. All those factors, coupled with the start of daylight savings time, has me in a bad mood. I should really let it go though, we don’t have any plans, so it probably doesn’t matter.

If this is the end

8:43pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Friday night, March 18, 2022. My betta fish looks sick. I am not sure what is wrong but there seems to be an infection around her gills. I cleaned her tank earlier this evening, then went to the pet store and got a product purported to promote healing. Hopefully it works and she will be alright. I am emotionally attached to that fish. My daughter picked her out over Easter weekend last year. Since then, that fish has been my loyal housemate; eagerly greeting me when I get home from work, hoping for a couple of pinches of food before I settle in for dinner and swimming to the front of her tank every morning before I leave. She is such a part of my daily routine, I would be sad to lose her if this is the end.

Is that a threat?

5:16am, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Friday morning, March 18, 2022. I can’t calm my thoughts and the world feels sour. 99% of the problem has to do with census and referrals. “Operations review is at the end of the month, we need to show growth.” Is that a threat? To me? To my staff? What is going to happen and how long do we have to turn things around? I am so tired and need a vacation, but I don’t see how that is possible. There are no senior leaders on staff, systems still need to be implemented and lay offs loom as a real possibility. Not achieving budget is never good for job security. Cuts eventually will need to be made. No position is safe, and that very much includes my job as well.

Positive relationships (work)

1:29pm, office in Phoenix, Arizona, Thursday afternoon, March 17, 2022. Just got off a corporate conference call. Not a lot of new information was shared, but it was still good to hear updates from senior leadership. I had to rush to the office to make it in back in time. My marketing team set up an appointment to provide an educational lunch at a doctors office today. I would have had to cancel but because I didn’t have to set up or tear down I was able to attend and still make the call. The presentation at the doctors office went well, it should produce some positive relationships.

The beauty I have lost

4:27pm, office in Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday afternoon, March 16, 2022. College basketball tournaments started this week. That makes me miss Utah. When we lived in Centerville I always took a week off of work to celebrate the beginning of spring. The turn of the season and the abundance of high quality basketball lifted my spirits and made me happy. It is such a beautiful time of year in Utah; wet, powerful storms blow across the mountains and leave gorgeous clouds draped against bright, blue skies. These days I don’t take time off like I used to, and I haven’t been to Utah in March since 2019. Becoming a father, losing touch with the WIL, and moving to Arizona has changed my priorities. Now I schedule my time off to coincide with my daughters spring break. I am not complaining, just remembering who I was. I am thankful for what I have gained over the years, while I still lament the beauty I have lost.

How cruel I can be to myself

2:45pm, parking lot in Phoenix, Arizona, Tuesday afternoon, March 14, 2022. Just finished a work meeting across town this afternoon. When it was over I headed back to the office. The moment I was alone in my car I began savagely destroying everything about my “performance” with a brutal and relentless attack. Nothing was off limits; my appearance, my personality, the clothes I wore, what I said or didn’t say, how I felt, what was said to me or not said, how I perceived others opinion of me. I went over every single detail and came up with the worst possible outcome for each. Now I feel broken and small. It is amazing how cruel I can be to myself.

If I wanted to spend my time marketing

5:53pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday evening, March 14, 2022. The day started with a tense marking meeting. The numbers aren’t where they should be, therefore, I spent my afternoon in the west valley, following up with old connections, trying to build lost business from last years sale. The meetings were positive, and potentially productive, but if I wanted to spend my time marketing, I would still have a marketing job.

A chaplain again

11:33am, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Sunday morning, March 13, 2022. In December of last year, I wrote about almost having to go out as a chaplain for work. In that instance one of the other spiritual counselors ended up taking call. However, since that time, our support services on-call rotation was disbanded. That meant when a patient died and the family requested spiritual care this morning, it was I who went out. The patient lived 50 miles north of me so by the time I got there the family had left, but I provided support to the community staff and offered prayer over the patients body until the mortuary arrived. The experience was profound for me. I need to get back to who I truly am.

Arizona weekend

3:03pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Saturday afternoon, March 12, 2022. This is the first weekend in Arizona since the beginning of February. Not much going on but that is alright. Having a weekend of relaxation and doing nothing feels wonderful. I tried a new coffee shop this morning then watched a little television before grocery shopping. Now I am lying on the couch looking for a good movie to watch. I might just take a nap. Not sure what to do tonight, if anything.