Tag: Arizona

Becoming me

2:58pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Tuesday afternoon, December 14, 2021. I have time to write and I have been consistently writing. The question is, am I writing anything worthwhile? This post means probably not. Just kidding. My entire life I have searched for what I consider my true identity. I wondered; who am I? What is my narrative? The last couple of days I have identified as the author of this blog. As mikemeyer949, I write what I experience and I do it consistently. That consistency makes me confident; I know who I am, what I do and how I do it. It hasn’t always been easy, but I feel I found my true voice. And I feel I have found my identity, too.

Manic breaking

5:45am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday morning, December 14, 2021. I am usually a low-key guy but every now and then I have episodes where my energy gets stuck in manic mode. It is not fun when this happens because I constantly get frustrated for stupid reasons when I am manic. This past episode started a week ago. There was no discernible trigger I am aware of, I just knew it was starting because the arrival of Friday did not provide any joy whatsoever. I was in perpetual, shitty Monday energy. As a result, the last three days were useless. Thankfully, the episode broke this morning. When I went for a walk and worked out I was resigned too another crappy day. But as I was leaving the gym I looked up and saw Christmas lights on a second story balcony. In that moment a little sprig of calm caught hold in my chest and started to clear the poison. For the life of me I could not tell you why that image, that time and the particular thoughts bouncing around head broke the spell. All I know was something popped in me that had the slightest kernel of relief and that was all I needed. Ironically, a part of me wants to be upset the weekend was wasted, but to tell you the truth, I am just relieved its over.

Conquer Insecurity

7:52pm, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday night, December 13, 2021. And there, as always, in the burning heat of my acid filled throat, is constant insecurity. It drowns my soul with fire and saps my will to live. What could I achieve if I was free of its burden? Would I live a life of breezy confidence, filled with decisive choices and positive results? Could I ultimately vanquish crushing doubt and avoid nagging fear? Can I finally have positive human interactions and accept my place in the world? At some point one of us will win; Insecurity will exact it’s final price on my soul or I will escape my vexing, inevitable plight. Either way we are in a pitched mortal battle. And though the odds are against me, I will be victorious. Because of one thing I am absolutely sure; I will either conquer insecurity or I will die trying.

Whoops

7:53am, just got to the office, Phoenix, Arizona, Monday morning, December 13, 2021. I got out of my car and realized my clothes don’t match. I changed shoes at the last second but didn’t change belts. My belt brown and my shoes are black. Of course it is on the day I have two new employees starting and the nurses coming in for a meeting. Whoops.

Feels like a typical Monday

6:02am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Monday morning, December 13, 2021. It feels like a typical Monday. I am grouchy, everything annoys me, and time can’t move fast enough. Nothing is particularly wrong, yet everything gets on my nerves. The drive yesterday was fine. I left Dana Point around 10:30am Pacific (11:30am Arizona), stopped once in Palm Desert and made it to Chandler before sunset. Then I went to bed early and didn’t get up until 5:30am, which means I skipped my morning workout. Maybe that is why I am irritated, too much sleep and not enough exercise.

Quitters?

2:50pm in my office, Phoenix Arizona, Friday afternoon, December 10, 2021. The windshield repair guy I referenced this morning no showed for the 11am appointment. I will find somewhere else to take my car next week, hopefully the window doesn’t crack on the way to California. Also, the triage nurse that I referenced last week as surly and lacking compassion quit without notice two hours before her shift was supposed to start. It has been one of those days.

Will I ever be social again?

10:34am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Friday morning, December 10, 2021. I spend the vast majority of my time sitting silently alone, watching entertainment content on electronic devices, usually while eating food and/or drinking alcohol. We are talking tens of thousands of good youthful energetic hours wasted passively consuming the activities and relationships of others, while I do next to nothing. What is wrong with me? Why don’t I go out and live my life? It is not a stretch to say I am addicted to this behavior. I crave it, I fantasize about it and I plan my life around it. Is voyeurism really so much more appealing than actually being with people? Do I not know how to enjoy the company of others? Will I ever be social again?

The women I love and the places they live

4:57am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Thursday morning, December 09, 2021. Would the WIL hold as much power over me if she moved from Utah? Would I still think about her constantly and miss her terribly if she packed up her stuff and moved to, say, Ohio, or some other random place? Part of the reason I am so lovestruck by The WIL is she embodies the time and place in my life I hold so dear; namely, Utah in the mid-2000’s. During that time and in that area I was at my best. I worked for a good company, I loved my job and was confident in my abilities. My time was spent helping people with death and dying, surrounded by the natural beauty of the mountains and enjoying the glorious changing of seasons. All the while I obsessively and intensely loved the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. Time is frozen when I think about the WIL and Utah. There, it is always spring and she is forever young. But if she were to leave would the spell be broken? Would she lose the forever magic in my heart? Going someplace different would remove her from cherished memories. Time would cease to stand still and she would no longer have eternal youth. She would be like me; someone who has aged, a person that struggles with work and parenting, all while feeling life is slipping slowly into irrelevance. Utah is special because she is there. And subsequently, she is ethereal because she lives in Utah. It is a similar situation with my daughter and Orange County, but with a slight variation. Orange County is not so perfect as much as my daughter makes it so. I lived in Orange County for nine years. Personally and professionally it was awful. I could not keep steady employment, I was depressed (mostly from missing the WIL) and I could never get ahead financially. Yet, I still go back and I still enjoy the area because my daughter is there. But if my wife left Orange County (which for many reasons I think she should) I would not be sad. I would welcome the opportunity to start a new life and be close to my daughter. I guess, in the end, I love two places and two women for two different reasons. One because of what it once was and the other because of what it is right now. That being said, who knows, someday, under the right circumstances, I will be writing about how amazing a random place like Ohio is if a certain woman or two lived there.

How should I approach the day?

8:42am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday morning, December 08, 2021. How should I approach the day? Do I want to survive work with minimal effort and indulgent distractions? Perhaps discover a brand new life altering adventure? Maybe I could fall in love or just run some errands? What if I took a long lunch and a peaceful nap? There are so many possibilities. Of course the most practical option is to invest in work and be productive. That is the most boring choice of all.