Tag: Arizona

Springsteen

8:35am, office. My brother died 5 years ago. I grabbed some cds of his and put them in a box when we went through his stuff but hadn’t listened to them until this week. On my trip to California Saturday I brought the cds with me. One of them was Bruce Springsteen’s Darkness on the edge of town. “Poor man want to be rich, rich man want to be king and a king ain’t satisfied till he rules everything.” Badlands, Bruce Springsteen

Perspective

7:28am, Dana Point. I took my daughter and her friend to a neighborhood haunted house last night. We had fun. The kids (middle school/high school) did a good job getting into character and performing. We came home around 8pm. I went to bed shortly after but the girls stayed up, they didn’t go to sleep until 1am. Needless to say, they are still sleeping. The dog and I took a walk this morning. While coming down the hill I thought about life. Right now Arizona gives me perspective I couldn’t see in Orange County. When I lived here all I saw was stress, I couldn’t relax because work and leisure weren’t separate. No matter what I was doing my mind was thinking about my job and what I had to do. Now work is in a different state. When I am in California I leave it behind and enjoy experiences with my daughter. I am fully present watching a movie, shopping at the mall or going to a haunted house. I don’t like being far away from her but I am thankful for what we have shared the past year.

stress

5:37am, Thursday, apartment, Arizona. I woke up this morning in a panic. My chest was heavy and I couldn’t catch my breath. I stumbled to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face while taking deep breaths. After a minute I felt calmer but it was frightening. Everyday the stress seems heavier and work more frustrating. I am tired of problems that never resolve, tasks that are not completed and excuses that are implausible. This causes me to examine so much about life; maybe I am not cut out for leadership, perhaps I should work for a different company, or is it a matter of making changes in key positions? Whatever the case the issues must be addressed before I cause myself serious harm.

Catalytic

8:30am at the office in Arizona. One of the employees had the catalytic converter stolen from her car yesterday afternoon. The thief crawled underneath her vehicle and dismantled the exhaust system. Upon starting the engine she knew something was wrong, it sounded awful, as you would suspect when the exhaust system is broken. She came back into the office distraught. I calmed her down and gave her a ride home. Her step dad brought her to work this morning and is taking care of the situation. It is an older car. I suspect after filing a police report and insurance claim the vehicle will be totaled out. It got me thinking about life. How the car was productive for years; Driving to work, taking vacations, running errands. Then, in an instant, the value is stolen by an unknown stranger. Life is fragile. Things change quickly and your value can diminish overnight.

Sunday evening

6:14pm Sunday evening, Arizona. Then I realized a truth. All my stress, all my sadness initiated from doubt. Doubt I was worth loving, doubt I could complete a work assignment, doubt I could win a competition. Doubt weighed me down like an anchor pulling my happiness to the abyss. I had always dealt with stress by trying to run away. When I couldn’t figure out how to escape I felt more stress. The answer was to not run away. To not doubt. Only I could choose to be confident in the face of adversity. Vanquish doubt and remove stress.

Stay put

7:24am a part of me keeps trying to get out of stress. Another part of me tries to stay. I don’t know if I want to change. The dominant force wins. the chaos of work, of being in Arizona, changing jobs all the time is how I figured out what I wanted to give my daughter. A life in Orange County. Maybe it is madness. Maybe when I look back it will all make sense. Whatever the case I always say I want to change but never do. There has to be a reason. I choose to keep living this way

Tuesday morning

5:39am It feels like a lightening storm is going off in my brain. I have all these thoughts that flash bright then disappear. There are so many things I want but don’t know how to get. I miss Orange County. I miss my daughter. I miss seeing her everyday and taking her to activities. I want to succeed professionally. I want a stable income. I want to stay in Arizona. I want to move. I want to buy a house. I want to quit. It is emotionally draining. I have the Denver interview today at 8am. I have my one on one with my supervisor at 11:30am.

Family left

6:56am my family left Arizona to go back to Orange County. They got on the road at 5am. I went for a walk after they pulled out. Then I went and worked out, came back to the apartment, made a cup of coffee and cleaned up a little. I miss having them here. There is the feeling of two apartments. When they are here the apartment is filled with energy, bodies and stuff. The girls are playing games, watching videos and ready for adventure. When they are gone the apartment is empty, quiet and depressing.