Not taking blame

It is 6:01am on Thursday morning. I am writing from my apartment in Chandler, Arizona. I am usually writing from my apartment in Chandler first thing in the morning. There is not much variation in my life. For the last couple of months I am either writing in Chandler, Phoenix, Palm Desert or Dana Point. It can be monotonous always doing the same thing. But then again it can be comforting to not deal with constant variation. Things are a little different today. I am sitting at my computer instead of using my phone on the couch. I had a scare this morning. I brought up the blog site and I wasn’t logged in. I worried I was shut out because I didn’t renew my other site. But I was able to reset the password and get in. Tragedy averted. Now I need to make sure my phone is working. I thought about place and life on my walk this morning. I want to stay in Arizona a little longer. I don’t want to move until the beginning of March, 2022. I don’t want to break my lease and I don’t want to deal with movers. Today is the five month “anniversary” of starting work in Phoenix. It has been an experience. The site I took over has been in turmoil. A lot of changes in leadership. Inappropriate admissions leading to paying back past payments. I thought I could come in and turn things around. I felt good about my abilities. But our census never went up. In fact it continues to go down. Revenue continues to go down as well. So much so that the business is in bad shape. If things weren’t bad enough the company announced on my third day of work they were selling the hospice and home health division. The sale just went through at the beginning of the month. The hospice was owned by a senior living company. We have the same name as the senior living company. We got over 90% of our business from the senior living company. The senior living company sold us. We are now owned by a hospital system that does not have a presence in the market. Many of the senior living communities in the area didn’t like using us when we were the same company. Now that we have been sold they have completely iced us out. We have only had three referrals in a month and a half. We are budgeted for 20. I have disassociated from the situation though. I am not going to take the blame. Normally I take all the blame. When something goes bad I say that the failure is mine. But I won’t this time. I refuse to own the sins of other people because I am not some magical savior. The deck has been stacked against success from the moment I walked in the door. I am not giving up. I am working hard. We have marketing plans. We can get business other ways. I am not giving up but I am not taking blame.

Awkward conversation

12:06pm Sunday afternoon, July 18. Palm desert, driving back to Arizona. Stopped to go to the bathroom, get gas and snacks. I had an awkward conversation with my wife this morning. After I woke up, took the dog for a walk and got coffee i returned to the apartment shortly after 7am. My wife was awake and sitting at her computer. When I walked in the door she announced she was “so mad.” Then she stepped out to use the bathroom. When she returned she explained that she set up a new phone. When she did this the controls on an app she uses to monitor our soon to be 13 year old daughters online activity updated. Apparently our daughter went on her phone to allow some rather inappropriate content to not be filtered. however that was not the awkward part. What made it awkward was how she then tied it to my behavior ten years ago. How I was evil and she didn’t want our daughter to meet someone like me. A conversation we have had numerous times.

Whirlwind

5:53am it has been a whirlwind. No stability, no security. I want to have a house again. Feel I can get a dog. Have a routine. I have been in Arizona less than five months. It feels unstable. Like it will crumble at any time. I can’t buy a house, get a dog. My life is chaos. I feel so overwhelmed

Moments

6:05am this week is a moment with my family. This year, Arizona, is a moment. It won’t last forever. I don’t want it to last a long time. The first half of 2021 was getting out here, getting my life in place. Now the next half is living the experience. The past is gone. On Thursday I work for a new company. I got change without even having to look for it. I am dialed in for six months.

Work /Life balance

5:17am Monday. I am truly happy. I have balance in my life. I enjoy my free time. I work hard on days I work. I disengage and relax when I am not at work. I look forward to my future. I appreciate all I have. When I moved to Arizona everything was about work. I focused on my job. Now I can do well at work and enjoy life. I have found who I am as a worker. A parent. A husband. A son.

Palm desert

9:31am made it to palm desert. Enjoying the drive. Memories of being a sales leader for skilled nursing. I realize I don’t say much about that. The memories are not on par with being the chaplain but it is the second most valued work experience. I traveled around California, Nevada, Utah, Arizona. Also went to Ohio, Michigan, Washington, Colorado for that job. Palm desert was one of my buildings. I stayed here often. Feels comfortable.

New perspectives

5:42am Friday. There are many ways I looked at life events the past 14 years that have been negative. I could not appreciate what I had because I grieved other things that I had lost. Moving to Arizona has changed my perspective. I am more focused on work. I have an identity as a boss, leader, captain. I have a healthier understanding of relationships. I appreciate being a parent. I am in a happy place. I am blessed. I am thankful for personal growth. I am thankful for the release of emotional frustration.