Wedding anniversary

6:23pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Thursday evening, March 31, 2022. Tomorrow, April 1st, is our 22nd wedding anniversary. I thought about leaving early to get to California in time but, I am not sure it matters. While we are still legally married, we aren’t romantic. Consequently, the day serves as a reminder of lost promises rather than loving commitment. I will say this, through it all, we survived. Barely. Time didn’t destroy our bond as much as left it gravely wounded. We are nice to each other, supportive, even friendly. However, just below the surface, deep scars run both ways. Scratch too deep and resentment easily bubbles to the forefront. There still hasn’t been a discussion about celebrating, or even acknowledging, the milestone this weekend. We probably won’t bother. The day is awkward and has been for some time now. Best to let it pass quietly, then continue existing in the familiar and muted cordiality that has come to dominate our current lives.

Letter

5:49am Dear Mike, if you are reading this in the future you want to know what I am thinking, feeling, experiencing on this particular day. 6:06am I stopped writing this post for a moment. I had to think. If I am writing something that only future me would see I would share things I keep hidden from other people. Things that would really remind me what I am going through on this day. But sharing those things beyond a letter to only future me could be potentially awkward. Everyday I do weird things. I have thoughts about intimacy and sex. I have interactions with people I don’t mention. I leave all that stuff out because I don’t want people like my wife, my daughter, my mom or the WIL to know about them. But that is what I am going through. That is who I truly am. How do I reconcile writing honestly for myself and others? I am quiet. I am reserved. I am in a position of leadership. I have been a spiritual counselor. How would people react if they knew I had a “dark” side? That I have desires? I feel secretive, deceptive, dishonest. Do all people have things they hide and would be embarrassed if people found out?

Awkward conversation part 2

6:15pm Sunday evening, laying in bed in chandler. I feel more elaboration is needed. Our marriage has been at a stalemate for years. My wife is hurt because of my cheating. I broke her trust. She has never been able to move past that. I failed her and our vows. Should we have gotten a divorce? Should she have kicked me out? Or should I have left to be with the WIL? So many questions that never were resolved. We talked about divorce all those years ago but with a three year old daughter we did not go through with it. So we are platonic partners who survive. And deal with things when they arise. We get along well and have a functional existence. But that is not to say there are not problems. For my part I have my own issues with my wife. The surveillance . Her tracking activity on my daughters devices. As she was explaining how our daughters behavior reminded her of my actions all I could think about was her putting spyware on my computer. As she sat there and made my daughter explain every single site she visited I wondered is my daughter going to start resenting her too? today we actually talked about divorce again. It is probably inevitable. And it might be good to finally end what we have become. Then she cut my hair, we planned their visit out here next week and discussed how to pay for school in the fall. Marriage is crazy

Awkward conversation

12:06pm Sunday afternoon, July 18. Palm desert, driving back to Arizona. Stopped to go to the bathroom, get gas and snacks. I had an awkward conversation with my wife this morning. After I woke up, took the dog for a walk and got coffee i returned to the apartment shortly after 7am. My wife was awake and sitting at her computer. When I walked in the door she announced she was “so mad.” Then she stepped out to use the bathroom. When she returned she explained that she set up a new phone. When she did this the controls on an app she uses to monitor our soon to be 13 year old daughters online activity updated. Apparently our daughter went on her phone to allow some rather inappropriate content to not be filtered. however that was not the awkward part. What made it awkward was how she then tied it to my behavior ten years ago. How I was evil and she didn’t want our daughter to meet someone like me. A conversation we have had numerous times.