I don’t want that kind of energy in my life

8:47pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Aliso Viejo, California, Friday night, January 13, 2023. Looked at three properties today. The first residence in Laguna Beach was depressing. The building should have been condemned thirty years ago. The second was in Capistrano Beach, which is part of Dana Point. I liked the location and there were certain things about the apartment that were nice but, overall I am not sure I want to live there. Finally, the last unit was the best. The complex is quiet and it is located in a good neighborhood. The price is a little higher than my budget but, not out of the question. However, the landlady has a way of making me feel guilty every time we talk. That and she lives close by. It may sound a little drastic but, I don’t think I want that kind of energy in my life right now. Even in such a simple capacity as renting.

Possible return to Dana Point and a film fest

10:23, pacific standard time, apartment in Aliso Viejo, California, USA, Thursday night, January 12, 2023. Just got back from my daughter’s film fest in Orange. It was fun to see the work of the students then talk to them afterwards. We met up with friends who came to offer support. It was nice they drove so far for an event hosted by a school there children don’t attend. On a personal note; I contacted rentals in the area to set up viewings over the weekend. I have come full circle in my search. The places on my list are all in Dana Point. This fact has invigorated me. For so long I didn’t think I could go back even though Dana Point is the only place I truly consider home. Up until today there did not seem to be anything in my price range. Now I have viable options. Hopefully by the end of the week I will have keys to my new home.

Dinner with friends

7:57pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California,USA, Tuesday night, January 10, 2023. My friend from Washington and her husband are visiting the area this week. They invited me to dinner tonight at the resort where they are staying. I saw them this October at their Halloween party in Utah but didn’t get to spend too much time talking with them back then. Tonight was nice. It was just the three of us, sitting down, drinking wine, eating and catching up. I don’t get many opportunities like this; to have a home (or at least vacation rental) cooked meal, spend time with friends and appreciate not being alone yet another night in the desert.

Another conversation about divorce

6:58pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA, Monday night, January 9, 2023. Had another conversation last night with my daughter’s mom about officially ending our relationship and getting a divorce. At this point I am alright with it. We have known each other 25 years yet, we have been platonic for well over a decade now. While we get along and are friendly, we are not truly married. For the longest time the concept of divorce did not sit well with me. I couldn’t accept that what was once so beautiful could come to and end. But maybe we both just had to reach this place where we could honestly say it is over. I suppose we are at that place. Whatever the future holds it I look forward to it and embrace a brand new start.

Sunday, January 8, 2023

9:33pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Aliso Viejo, California, USA, Sunday night, January 8, 2022. Set up a new phone today. Making sure all of my apps and accounts are working properly as been a struggle but, so far no major problems. It has been a good day; went for the full walk in Dana Point this morning, took my daughter to lunch around noon, then did more apartment hunting in the evening. After two days I realize I will most likely end up in Rancho Santa Margarita rather than Lake Forest. It is still to be determined but I will know more at the end of the week. For now it is nice just to be making some progress.

Apartment hunting

4:49pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Aliso Viejo, California, USA, Saturday afternoon, January 7, 2023. We are going to see a movie tonight in Irvine. That means getting home late. I don’t mind, it will be nice to get out of the house instead of sitting on the couch. I drove in from Palm Desert this morning then ran errands before checking out apartment complexes in Lake Forest. Nothing stood out as a place I want to live. I will check out more properties tomorrow. Hopefully one will stand out. I did decide to get a two bedroom. That way when my daughter or mom want to stay they have their own space without feeling like they are putting me out.

Consistent, direct and knowledgeable

6:16pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA, Friday night, January 6, 2023. Since I can remember my sole focus in relationships has been pleasing others. That is, trying to make people like me by being agreeable. While positivity is commendable, I wonder; was I ever anything more than inoffensive? Did I provide value to those that encountered me on the road of life? If I am honest, the answer is “No.” I didn’t know who I was, my sense of self was not defined. Consequently, I feared being exposed as an imposter if someone got too close or asked too many questions. I don’t feel that way any more. Recently, I started my third year as a director and leader. Now I provide considerable more value in relationships because I am consistent, direct and knowledgeable. I appreciate who I was in the past but I enjoy even more who I am in the present.

Getting serious about the move

6:09pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA, Thursday night, January 5, 2023. Time to start getting serious about the move to California. I need to establish residency for my drivers license renewal so I booked an apartment tour this coming Saturday in Lake Forest. I don’t know much about the area other than it seems nice and is close to my daughter and her mom without being too close. Besides, I won’t be there very often what with traveling for work and all. I can’t believe how much things have changed recently. Not even two years ago I knew nothing about Arizona or what job I would have. Now, that time is coming to an end.

Re-commit to grow

6:20pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA, Tuesday evening, January 3, 2023. Worked with the marketing team this afternoon to identify opportunities for new business. It has been a neglected part of our operation the past two months. We just haven’t had adequate staff to take new referrals so we stopped reaching out to key customers. However now, after two good hires, things are looking up. We can look to grow again. It takes a certain mindset to grow. First, you have to have tenacity to generate business. Second, you need creativity to sheperd that business onto service. Finally, you have to have skill to provide the proper level of care once they come onboard. If a component is missing the business fails. Now is the time for us to re-commit our efforts and get the machine working properly again.

The donut hole in happiness

2:34pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA, Monday afternoon, January 2, 2022. There is a donut hole in my quest for happiness. When I avoid work, stress-free mornings are followed by tediously empty afternoons. However, embracing challenge means my free time is pervaded with unmanageable anxiety. Avoiding work causes existential angst, embracing it means crippling pressure. I try to find balance but, in reality, I am not sure it is possible. No matter what, there will always be something missing. It is best to accept the situation and make peace with the vacancy, whatever form that may be.