A moment of balance

5:40am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Monday morning, May 2, 2022. The trip with my mom from Henderson, Nevada to Chandler was more taxing than anticipated yesterday. We got in around 1pm, rested, then got dinner and watched a movie. All things considered, it was a good day. Right now I am enjoying a moment of balance; life is not overwhelmingly great but, many aspects feel calm. I can bear my job, I am at peace with my relationships, I appreciate the place I live, I accept my past and look forward to a bright future.

I miss who I once was

There was a time, many years ago, back when we lived in Utah, that my energy was entirely peaceful. That was a conscious choice and something I diligently strived to achieve. You see, as a hospice chaplain I entered hundreds of homes where patients and families dealt with the final stages of terminal illness. They did not need gregarious, over the top energy, they needed calm. It was important to convey a quiet presence when I entered a families sacred space. Therefore, I would spend hours training myself to be still; closing my eyes, slowing my breathing and repeating the mantra, “Relax, don’t worry, everything will be alright.” That was so many years ago. Now it is hard to believe that is who I used to be. These days stress is ever present, sucking my soul dry and grinding down my will to live. I can’t relax, I don’t enjoy what I do and I certainly don’t provide peace to those I meet. The man I cherished being has been lost to a swath of hazy memories. We are born to die, and losing our innocence is part of the bargain. I accept my fate but, oh how I wish I could go back. I miss who I once was, and never will be again.

Manic breaking

5:45am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday morning, December 14, 2021. I am usually a low-key guy but every now and then I have episodes where my energy gets stuck in manic mode. It is not fun when this happens because I constantly get frustrated for stupid reasons when I am manic. This past episode started a week ago. There was no discernible trigger I am aware of, I just knew it was starting because the arrival of Friday did not provide any joy whatsoever. I was in perpetual, shitty Monday energy. As a result, the last three days were useless. Thankfully, the episode broke this morning. When I went for a walk and worked out I was resigned too another crappy day. But as I was leaving the gym I looked up and saw Christmas lights on a second story balcony. In that moment a little sprig of calm caught hold in my chest and started to clear the poison. For the life of me I could not tell you why that image, that time and the particular thoughts bouncing around head broke the spell. All I know was something popped in me that had the slightest kernel of relief and that was all I needed. Ironically, a part of me wants to be upset the weekend was wasted, but to tell you the truth, I am just relieved its over.

Vibe

5:36am Wednesday morning. I am good at setting a mood. A vibe. I am laid back. I remain calm under pressure and provide a peaceful presence. that is my gift. My purpose.

Low key and a glimpse

10:28am I drove to the office this morning to work on a presentation for tomorrow. As I drove I thought about chaplaincy, sales and operations. The three jobs I have had in my twenty two plus year career. Being the hospice chaplain was far and away the best. Sales were far and away the worst. I miss being the chaplain. I am relieved I don’t do sales. Operations aren’t bad. But not my passion. I am not a hard charger. A visitor who interviewed me for this job described me as “low key.” I get that a lot. “Quiet” “low key” “calm presence” those are good traits for a Chaplain, not as much for a leader. Definitely not good traits for sales. As I pulled into the office I had a glimpse of remembering what it felt like to be the chaplain. To not worry about job security. To not be constantly scared of reprimand or dismissal.