5:21am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Friday morning, May 6, 2022. The interview for the Director position in San Diego, California went fine yesterday, just a preliminary phone screen to discuss qualifications and work history. I will know more next week. In the meantime my chaplain endorsement is falling into place. One more colleague needs to complete a reference letter. Once that is done I will have an interview with the governing board and be submitted as a candidate. I constantly vacillate between my stressful, yet lucrative, career path and returning to being a Chaplain.
Tag: career
Denver
8:38am I got a call from the recruiter for that job I applied for this morning. It is in Denver. An executive director role like I am doing now. No much career growth. The salary is higher. I am a little concerned how easy I could pack up and move to Colorado. I don’t want to. But I am beginning to doubt this jobs viability.
Writing
9:36am We are getting ready to leave for the activity center. It should be a fun time. Right now I am thinking about the creative pursuit of writing and what I do for work. I have come up with a new perspective. In the summer of 2002, well before my daughter was born, my wife and I moved to Valencia, California from Evanston, Wyoming. My wife kept her corporate position but I quit my job as a religious consultant for the state of Wyoming. We moved so I could be an actor and my wife could be closer to family. It was a rash adventurous decision we made as newlyweds who were sure we could conquer the world. The move was not free of tension. My wife was supportive but skeptical. While she looked forward to spending time with her sisters she wasn’t sure of my new plan for work. But I was confident. I envisioned myself auditioning for parts and easily getting jobs to pay my share of the bills. As soon as I got to California I began submitting headshots. I auditioned for some student films and got some parts but not nothing else. By the fall I realized I had neither the drive nor the talent to be a successful actor. I wasn’t terribly heartbroken. I tried and it didn’t work out. I accepted the failure but was left with a creative void. I needed to find a new pursuit. 3:09pm hanging out at the activity center, picking up where I left off. I decided I was going to be a writer. It wasn’t too much of a reach. Starting years earlier in seminary I had written some stories and started a novel. In fact I had just finished an autobiography of my youth titled “The Journey and the Destination.” In the moment I was happy. Writing was my new identity. This is noteworthy because it was during what I consider the most vibrant period of my life i.e. the time I was a hospice chaplain. In reality being a hospice chaplain was not my career choice. It was the job I did to support myself while I wrote. I loved being a chaplain. I cherish the time but I identified as a writer more than a chaplain. Just saying that reduces my anxiety. It changes how I approach work and purpose. For so long I have viewed my situation as facing a choice between sales/operations or being a chaplain. In reality I am facing a choice between sales/operations and writing. I know who I am, what I want to be. I want to be a writer. I am a writer. I simply realize I can’t expect writing to produce sustainable income. So the question I ask is, “What do I want to do to support myself while I write?”
Glimmer of narrative
5:54am Wednesday while walking this morning I started to see a glimmer of a narrative I can embrace. It is the narrative that I was a journeyman salesperson. reliable but not outstanding. I accept that narrative about sales because I have perspective. That career is in the past. I also thought about being a chaplain this morning. I had an honest discussion with myself about why I don’t go back. Reasons include, money, lifestyle, challenge, expectations for my daughter. But I did come up with a new look forward goal. Being a prn chaplain. Just being called when needed to see people or do assessments. Not full time, not set hours.
Journeyman
9:17am I was contacted by a former sales colleague this morning. He asked me to be a reference for a new job. I said I would be happy to. I feel for the guy. He has had a similar career arc in sales that I had. He is a former athlete. Competitive guy. Really nice. But just not able to produce final results. At my present job I enjoy the work, feel I am doing good. But the census and revenue just aren’t there. My sales failure continue to dog me. Even when I am not in sales!
Low key and a glimpse
10:28am I drove to the office this morning to work on a presentation for tomorrow. As I drove I thought about chaplaincy, sales and operations. The three jobs I have had in my twenty two plus year career. Being the hospice chaplain was far and away the best. Sales were far and away the worst. I miss being the chaplain. I am relieved I don’t do sales. Operations aren’t bad. But not my passion. I am not a hard charger. A visitor who interviewed me for this job described me as “low key.” I get that a lot. “Quiet” “low key” “calm presence” those are good traits for a Chaplain, not as much for a leader. Definitely not good traits for sales. As I pulled into the office I had a glimpse of remembering what it felt like to be the chaplain. To not worry about job security. To not be constantly scared of reprimand or dismissal.
results scorecard
6:19am Saturday. Achieving goals are difficult. Making money, hitting budget. Similar to baseball if i get a positive result 3 out of 10 times I consider that a success. I have looked back at my career since end of 2009/beginning of 2010. First job since being a chaplain sales. I was successful and got results. But it was more from the team around me than me. Second job, executive director. Did not get results. Third job director of sales. Got results. fourth job, vice president of sales. a wash. The census and revenue went down but I don’t own it. Fifth job, marketing director. Got results because had good team. sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth jobs didn’t get results but tough situations. 10 job. true start up. Got results I am proud of but did not achieve volume or consistency. 11 job, executive director. Got results. 12 job. not getting results. My own personal scorecard. 6 out of 12 situations I got positive results.
Inner peace v results
1:21am Tuesday. Moment of clarity. The first part of my career was helping people achieve inner peace. My personal goal was inner peace. The last twelve years have been spent trying to achieve results. Specific results in the outside world.
Transformation
I am beginning to see everyday the process of transformation. 2 1/2 years ago I thought the process would be simple and easy. It has not. I constantly am pulled back to security and comfort in a job that does not provide it. I must let go but many factors, most importantly money keep me stuck in past energy. I am inching toward a new career and existence.
Protecting my ego
Sometimes I lose focus when I exercise.
I begin full of enthusiasm but as I tire I think about quitting or easing up.
I fixate on the time I have left. I ask myself why am I training so hard? I think I should pace myself or quit early.
The same is true with my career objectives. I start full of enthusiasm but when it becomes difficult I begin to pull back.
My mind wanders. I day dream about winning the lottery, catalog excuses for failure or wonder if I should look for a new job.
The fear I can’t achieve my objective, initially or consistently makes me fall back on my default objective, protecting my ego. It is seductively easy to accept failure and find an excuse. Staying focused and on task is not simple or immediate. It is a choice made every day, every minute, often multiple times a day.