Higher level of existence

6:21am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Thursday morning, December 15, 2021. It is one of those mornings where I am surrounded by a happy, warm glow. Is it possible to reach a higher level of existence? If ever so, today would be the day.

Too small blanket

5:14am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday morning, December 15, 2021. A while ago I heard a financial planner share insight about his profession. He said the practice of allocating money is like, “a too small blanket on a cold night.” Every scenario can’t be addressed, something will always remain exposed. The lease on my apartment is up for renewal. If I stay in Arizona the relationship with my daughter will suffer. If I go back to Orange County I have no housing or job stability. Either way, I will give up or miss out on something. My blanket is too small.

Conquer Insecurity

7:52pm, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday night, December 13, 2021. And there, as always, in the burning heat of my acid filled throat, is constant insecurity. It drowns my soul with fire and saps my will to live. What could I achieve if I was free of its burden? Would I live a life of breezy confidence, filled with decisive choices and positive results? Could I ultimately vanquish crushing doubt and avoid nagging fear? Can I finally have positive human interactions and accept my place in the world? At some point one of us will win; Insecurity will exact it’s final price on my soul or I will escape my vexing, inevitable plight. Either way we are in a pitched mortal battle. And though the odds are against me, I will be victorious. Because of one thing I am absolutely sure; I will either conquer insecurity or I will die trying.

Feels like a typical Monday

6:02am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Monday morning, December 13, 2021. It feels like a typical Monday. I am grouchy, everything annoys me, and time can’t move fast enough. Nothing is particularly wrong, yet everything gets on my nerves. The drive yesterday was fine. I left Dana Point around 10:30am Pacific (11:30am Arizona), stopped once in Palm Desert and made it to Chandler before sunset. Then I went to bed early and didn’t get up until 5:30am, which means I skipped my morning workout. Maybe that is why I am irritated, too much sleep and not enough exercise.

The women I love and the places they live

4:57am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Thursday morning, December 09, 2021. Would the WIL hold as much power over me if she moved from Utah? Would I still think about her constantly and miss her terribly if she packed up her stuff and moved to, say, Ohio, or some other random place? Part of the reason I am so lovestruck by The WIL is she embodies the time and place in my life I hold so dear; namely, Utah in the mid-2000’s. During that time and in that area I was at my best. I worked for a good company, I loved my job and was confident in my abilities. My time was spent helping people with death and dying, surrounded by the natural beauty of the mountains and enjoying the glorious changing of seasons. All the while I obsessively and intensely loved the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. Time is frozen when I think about the WIL and Utah. There, it is always spring and she is forever young. But if she were to leave would the spell be broken? Would she lose the forever magic in my heart? Going someplace different would remove her from cherished memories. Time would cease to stand still and she would no longer have eternal youth. She would be like me; someone who has aged, a person that struggles with work and parenting, all while feeling life is slipping slowly into irrelevance. Utah is special because she is there. And subsequently, she is ethereal because she lives in Utah. It is a similar situation with my daughter and Orange County, but with a slight variation. Orange County is not so perfect as much as my daughter makes it so. I lived in Orange County for nine years. Personally and professionally it was awful. I could not keep steady employment, I was depressed (mostly from missing the WIL) and I could never get ahead financially. Yet, I still go back and I still enjoy the area because my daughter is there. But if my wife left Orange County (which for many reasons I think she should) I would not be sad. I would welcome the opportunity to start a new life and be close to my daughter. I guess, in the end, I love two places and two women for two different reasons. One because of what it once was and the other because of what it is right now. That being said, who knows, someday, under the right circumstances, I will be writing about how amazing a random place like Ohio is if a certain woman or two lived there.

Which is the better choice?

5:26am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday morning, December 7, 2021. Which is better: To rise up and face the challenges life presents? Or to constantly attempt eliminating worry and fear on a daily basis? Facing adversity is daunting, yet noble. Eradicating stress is a futile endeavor that only makes me sad. I know which choice I should make everyday. The harder path is the only road worth taking.

Is this weird?

5:56pm, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday evening, December 06, 2021. I have to share something I find disconcerting, please tell me what you think. In an attempt to save money the company I work for has us collect pre-employment drug screen urine samples in the office. That means the social worker I hired, who is female, will come to the office for the soul purpose of peeing. It will be the first time we meet face-to-face. I am to walk her to the bathroom and stand outside so she can do her thing. When she comes out she is to hand me her pee so I can ship it to an out-of-state lab. I have to ask: Is that weird? It feels extremely weird. For both of us. I bribed an assistant with free breakfast tomorrow to collect the sample.

Almost a chaplain again

4:58pm, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Sunday afternoon, December 05, 2021. My phone pinged when I got back from an afternoon walk. The on-call nurse asked me to give her a call. A patient’s family requested a chaplain visit and she couldn’t get a hold of anyone. I told her to give the chaplains time to respond and if neither did I would see the patient. One of them called back just as I was heading out. I was almost a hospice chaplain again.

Sunday morning

9:04am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Sunday morning, December 05, 2021. Sundays holds great promise but never delivers. This morning my mind is filled with infinite possibilities; I can go anywhere, do anything, be anyone I want to be. Yet before long hours will pass, afternoon will approach and I will become resigned to waking up Monday in the same life as before.

How I spent my Saturday morning

8:04am, in my apartment, chandler Arizona, Saturday morning, December 4, 2021. Woke up at 4am. Went for a walk, went to the gym at the complex and worked out. Watched television, drank coffee, had a protein bar. Then I took out the trash, unboxed some new shoes, loaded the dishwasher, wiped down the counters and put things away. Going to get out the Christmas decorations and stream Christmas music. 9:18am, got everything out and put up decorations. Time to take a break. Side note: for the past year I kept a plastic box On my balcony I assumed held an escape ladder. I opened it and realized it was just some pieces of a ladder we threw out a decade ago. Glad I didn’t discover that when there was an actual fire. Side note x 2: go buy an escape ladder

12:12pm being lazy, watched some television, took a nap, snacking/grazing, on string cheese, salami, salad, peanuts, crackers, Doritos and coke. I am going to post this now.