6:17pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA, Thursday evening, January 26, 2023. Today is my nephew’s 31st birthday. That’s significant because twenty years ago, when I turned 31, we lived close to his family in Valencia. In between jobs, I spent afternoons hanging out with him, doing homework, shooting hoops, and shuttling him to various activities. I look back fondly on those weeks. It was a rare opportunity, before full adulthood, to be carefree and spend quality time with a relative I might otherwise not have known. It was also that age, when shortly thereafter, I took the Utah hospice chaplain job. I consider that period the happiest of my life. Realizing he is now the same age brings back good memories. He’s been through a rough couple of years lately. For the occasion of his birthday, I hope he finds his “Utah” soon. And gets to enjoy a little happiness in his life as well.
Tag: Chaplain
How much change is too much?
4:57pm, pacific standard time, parking lot in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday afternoon, June 1, 2022. Signed my severance agreement today and sent it back. The money should be in my account the end of next week. Two interviews are scheduled for tomorrow; one is San Diego job and the other is for the opportunity I mentioned yesterday. I am contemplating Chaplaincy more. I want change, I want to do something I like but, I am struggling with how much change to make.
Chaplain interview
3:92pm, pacific standard time, neighborhood park, Chandler, Arizona, USA, Thursday afternoon, May 19, 2022. Had a good talk with the board liaison for Chaplain endorsement. They will make their final decision on my candidacy tomorrow. I suspect nothing will hold it up,I meet all the requirements and their process is not stringent. Once that is in place I will have all the qualifications to pursue chaplain work again. Presenting as a spiritual candidate is vastly different than interviewing to be a director. I need to keep that in mind as the next few weeks unfold.
Easy choice?
5:51am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday morning, April 27, 2022. I am torn between the choice of being a chaplain and being an executive. You would think it would be an easy choice; go back to being a chaplain, leave stress behind, remove uncertainty, stop being lonely and embrace the more natural, positive energy. But I tell you, deeper forces are at work. Being an executive is addictive; I enjoy, even crave, the challenge, the money, and the ego boost. However, like any addiction, there are negative consequences as well; I live far from my family, I have lost more money than I have made because of frequent job changes, periods of unemployment and even underemployment. And the constant stress is starting to physically wear me down. When I think about being a chaplain my spirit opens like a blossoming flower. When I think about being an executive a steel blade of anxiety rips my guts. You would think it is an easy choice to become a chaplain again but, life is rarely as simple as making an easy choice.
It isn’t easy
6:11am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Monday morning, April 25, 2022, 1st day back to work. Have to go in and do payroll and get ready for an operations meeting at the end of the week. There are multiple things on my plate. I still constantly think about going back to being a chaplain; really doing it, not just using it as a mental escape to ease anxiety. If I choose to be a chaplain again there are logistics that need to be resolved, it isn’t so easy to change careers.
Might as well be Sunday
11:25am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Sunday morning, April 10, 2022. The usual Sunday anxiety is bad today, even more so than usual. No matter what I do there is no respite. Ironically, that has made me productive. I worked on my personal expenses, then filled out an application for ecclesiastical endorsement in preparation for pursuing Chaplain work. After that I cleaned the house a little. There is nothing to feel bad about, so why do I feel anxious? It is easy to blame the stress at work but, honestly, that isn’t the issue. Maybe there is no explanation. In the end, some day of the week has to be the worst, might as well be Sunday.
Going back
12:14pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Saturday afternoon, April 9, 2022. One of the biggest sticking points about going back to being a chaplain was the question of where I would live? I couldn’t afford a place by myself on a Chaplain’s salary and living full time with my daughter’s mom (estranged wife) is not an option. But this morning on the walk I decided not to focus on barriers. I am going to be a chaplain again. If that means living with roommates then so be it. I will make it work. I have waited nine years to arrive at this point. The time has come to get back to who I truly am.
Almost a chaplain again
4:58pm, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Sunday afternoon, December 05, 2021. My phone pinged when I got back from an afternoon walk. The on-call nurse asked me to give her a call. A patient’s family requested a chaplain visit and she couldn’t get a hold of anyone. I told her to give the chaplains time to respond and if neither did I would see the patient. One of them called back just as I was heading out. I was almost a hospice chaplain again.
Utah
6:28pm, Arizona apartment, Monday evening. Will I always be haunted by Utah? It has been so long since I lived there, even longer since being the chaplain, yet it haunts every thought I have. I am not sad but it is frustrating. I can’t go back and I can’t move forward. Utah is a gift and also a curse.
A good day
6:28am, Sunday morning, Dana Point, CA. When life is over all I really did was live thousands of individual days. Here is an example of an idealized typical day for me: From midnight to 3am I sleep. For this particular example I would have many vivid dreams that stick in my mind and make me happy. I don’t always get to have great dreams and I appreciate them when I do. Next I would wake up between 3am and 6am and go for a walk. I like to walk outside or go to the gym and walk on the treadmill. I walk early in the morning because at that time I can talk to myself and let my mind wander without wondering if I look weird. I also don’t have to stress about greeting people or worry about the dog (when I have her) encountering aggressive dogs or owners that want the animals to say “hi.” (I am not asocial but I do prefer to spend most of my time in my head rather than overthinking personal interactions). After that I exercise (stretch, lift weights), go home, watch some tv, read, eat breakfast and drink coffee. I can enjoy an entire morning doing those activities plus writing a little bit, napping, paying bills, answering emails. Around 10 in the morning I would shower, iron clothes, dress, get ready all while listening to music. Between eleven and noon I would leave to have lunch with a friend or co worker. When that was over I would spend a moment alone to recharge my energy. Maybe drive to a secluded spot, sit in my car and scroll through my phone, catching up on the news of the day. Around three pm I would make chaplain visits or go into the office and interact with people. A little after five I would head home, eat dinner, watch tv and read before I fell asleep between 8pm and 9pm. There it is. What I would consider a good day (weekday at least). I like that schedule. You know what? It isn’t hard to be happy when I don’t think too much about existential issues or try to rule the world. I guess I simply need to relax and enjoy the day in front of me.
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