Palm desert

8:54am this morning on the drive from Phoenix to palm desert you had a great experience. The landscape reminded you of the drive from wendover back to Salt Lake City. You remembered Saturday’s in the fall, driving out to wendover, reading the newspaper and making bets on football games. then driving back listening to game highlights on the radio. You remembered how content and happy you were on those drives. That made you think about how when this job ends you will accept it. Then you thought about getting another job. When you think about getting a sales/operations job your energy feels like poison. When you think about writing/chaplain or something new it feels pure. You are on the right track. You love these Saturday morning drives to see your daughter. Stopping to get coffee and donuts. Listening to music and books on tape. you are happy today.

Monday morning

5:49am in the apartment, on the couch. Sipping coffee and watching the weather. The temperature is supposed to be high this week. I like the cooler air. I would rather wear a jacket. I live in the wrong place. I am thinking about change. Do I want to change work? One factor to consider is pay. The job in Denver says the rate they are starting at is 10% higher than my salary now. a higher pay check would alleviate pressure. I ran through a lot of retirement and savings in Orange County. I incurred debt. While I have made more money since switching to operations I am getting by, not getting ahead. A raise in pay could change my circumstances.

Family left

6:56am my family left Arizona to go back to Orange County. They got on the road at 5am. I went for a walk after they pulled out. Then I went and worked out, came back to the apartment, made a cup of coffee and cleaned up a little. I miss having them here. There is the feeling of two apartments. When they are here the apartment is filled with energy, bodies and stuff. The girls are playing games, watching videos and ready for adventure. When they are gone the apartment is empty, quiet and depressing.

Work again

12:10pm in my office. Writing another post about work. Of course. The meeting at the coffee shop went alright. I appreciate the nurse sharing her perceptions. I made some changes in the reporting structure to mitigate the issues. The changes will be beneficial but they will hurt the pride of some other employees. I did what had to be done. I need to control the situation. I have felt a sense of peace since I looked for jobs this morning. In a way it made this job feel brand new. Which revitalized me. Four hours later I am drained. But it was nice to have reprieve. I have felt peace a couple of times in the last two days. I don’t get to feel that tension release often.

Thursday morning check in

I am in my office South Phoenix at 8:48am. I have an office meeting at 9am so not much time to write. After the meeting I am going to head north to meet with a provider that could refer patients. Sometimes I dread meetings but this one doesn’t bother me. I am happy to get out of the office and meet someone new. I consider this morning to have gone well. I was happy to have written the post earlier. After that I showered, made the bed, fed Tiki the fish and headed to work. My car was filthy and has been bugging me. I couldn’t take it any more so i got gas and put my car through the wash for a quick rinse. After i got to work i did the morning stand up call and went through paperwork. Now I am sipping coffee and writing this post.

Outside my emotions

5:48am Wednesday morning, in the apartment in chandler. My routine has been consistent lately. Get up at 4am. Go for a walk. Go workout. Come home. Have a protein bar and some water. Make a cup of coffee. Watch the weather. This morning I watched the highlights of the basketball championship from last night. Today is a rare day where I have perspective. I am in the moment with all of its joy and stress. I am not working toward something better. I don’t believe there is a measurable “better” life. Rather there are things that make me happy, things that make me sad and things that cause me stress. They all swirl through my mind. Occupying my thoughts. To deal with the sad and stressful parts I escape into memories of the past. Or i scheme for a different future. On some emotional levels I allow myself to believe the future is better. Or the past was better. But logically I know that isn’t the case. I probably can say that because I am not overwhelmed by stress at the moment. I am not sad. And I am not overjoyed. I am outside my emotions looking at my life. Such an interesting place to be.

Little kid

6:22am a part of me wants to be that kid again. The kid that could get lost in following the baseball season. That looked forward to football. The kid that read the newspaper and was transported to different possibilities. I say little kid but I was like that well into my 30’s. Today I wish I was a chaplain. Making a couple visits then parking in the shade, reading the paper, drinking coffee.

Last week

6:27am memories of last week have been coming back all morning. I loved waking up and taking the dog for a walk. Going to work out or staying at the apartment drinking coffee. The place was filled with love and life. Now it feels empty. I look forward to them coming back soon.