Not perfect, but proud anyway

8:11pm, lying in bed, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday night, April 6, 2022. Not everything we create is valuable. Most of the time it is to us, less frequently to a few others, and, on rare occasions, a vast audience. There is nothing wrong with missing the mark on occasion, sometimes things just don’t click. Yet, the very act of creating serves a valuable purpose; namely, cleansing the soul. I have written a few clunkers over the past year. That used to bother me. I wanted everything I wrote to be recognized and praised. But, now I know obtaining perfection every time is not possible, nor does it matter. Rather, the most important thing is partaking in act of creating itself. I am proud of who I have become this past year. Not because of the occasional post I believe is “good,” but, rather the fact that I wake up everyday and put something I made out into the universe. I am not perfect but, I am proud of who I am and what I do.

Space and Place

9:04am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday, December 29, 2021. I wanted to make note of where my mindset is at this particular time. I have noticed, this morning in particular, a change in my energy. There is more of a commitment to create space and place for myself and for other people. That energy has always been present, but not dominant. Now, it is becoming pronounced. I have the ability to create a peaceful space for family, friends and strangers. I am staying in one place rather than wandering. I don’t know what that means precisely, but I am about to find out.

Rabbit hole

6:15am my mind is going down a rabbit hole. I am thinking about creativity and work. Three thoughts. 1- I hold on to work because I believe that is the source of my material. 2- I hold on to work because I don’t believe I can earn money and support my family without structure and external pressure. 3- I write to relieve tension caused by work. If tension is gone will I write? If structure is gone will I go broke? If work is gone what will I write about? That is where I am. That is how I function. But I am frustrated. Because I work so much and only write as a reaction to feelings caused by work I am limited. *ABRUPT MINDSET CHANGE I create engaging and interactive content. I devote my energy to delighting people who interact with what I create.

Producing

I have stopped creating for the most part because I felt it didn’t go anywhere.

I am almost 49 and I feel my worth is diminished. In the last ten years I have bounced between 11 jobs. I have spent savings retirement and have debt.

My wife and I are separated. I no longer speak to the woman I love. Sex is a shallow dangerous encounters with strangers I treat as a party favor .

I don’t want to admit who I truly am or truly am not so I just retreat farther into my mind and the hollow shadows of meaningless existence

Dominant energy

I was watching a show this morning with my daughter. The main character auditioned to sing the opening number for a television talent show. The whole episode was the adventures she had during the process.

But the character I noticed most was the impresario who was running the show.

He was surrounded by assistants that helped him pull the levers and move the production forward. He had the objective focused energy.

I probably wasn’t supposed to notice him but that is where my head is at now. I thought about the energy it took to decide he wanted to have a show, hire people to realize his vision and hold auditions for singers.

I am realizing more and more I have dueling energies. The one who wants to create worlds and interact with people. And one who wants to burrow down and passively observe the world or just partake in distractions.

For all of my life the observer has been my dominate energy. Even now on a Friday morning I feel the pull of skating at work and relishing the energy of a weekend close at hand.

As I wrote earlier I believe this has to be the way I connect and build a world. It is what I go to in my dominate energy and I do regularly and it is something I can share with others.