Tag: creativity

Not perfect, but proud anyway

8:11pm, lying in bed, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday night, April 6, 2022. Not everything we create is valuable. Most of the time it is to us, less frequently to a few others, and, on rare occasions, a vast audience. There is nothing wrong with missing the mark on occasion, sometimes things just don’t click. Yet, the very act of creating serves a valuable purpose; namely, cleansing the soul. I have written a few clunkers over the past year. That used to bother me. I wanted everything I wrote to be recognized and praised. But, now I know obtaining perfection every time is not possible, nor does it matter. Rather, the most important thing is partaking in act of creating itself. I am proud of who I have become this past year. Not because of the occasional post I believe is “good,” but, rather the fact that I wake up everyday and put something I made out into the universe. I am not perfect but, I am proud of who I am and what I do.

Always ends up being wrong

Written 6:09pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday evening, March 29, 2022. The office will permanently close soon. Two tense meetings yesterday pointing out a “lack of viability” made that clear. What does it mean for me, my family, our future if this office closes? I could stay in Arizona, get a new job, see what next year looks like. I could look for a job in California like I planned, but last month I applied and interviewed for a job in Orange County and it wasn’t a great experience. I could pack everything up, go to Wyoming/Utah, be close to my mom (she will be 80 this year). I could try someplace new (Las Vegas?) I am frustrated. I can’t keep looking for-and taking- jobs I don’t have the talent or desire to do. I am caught in a vicious circle; my resume and financial needs keep me looking for executive jobs, and I am good enough to get them. But after a year (if not sooner) we are sick of each other and disappointed with the results. It is absurd. I need to make a change. There is creative energy that flows pure in my heart. I want to honor and pursue that. Where does it lead, if anywhere? Can I set ego and practicality aside? Am I selfish for wanting to change? No matter what the choice, it always ends up being wrong.

The flow of water reminds me

Written 5:52am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday morning, March 28, 2022. When I am stressed at work I evoke my creative spirit. With that, peaceful images of water flowing through my chest calms me. This is evolution. Previously, I sought solace in escape, nostalgia, or giving up; unproductive acts motivated by fear. Now I know, the path forward is creativity and, more importantly, community. For decades I did not interact with others that held similar interests, nor did I engage an audience. I remained alone, vacillating between a past I could no longer obtain, while lamenting a present I never enjoyed. But I can be happy, do something I am passionate about, all while working with motivated and inspiring people. I don’t need to waste another minute regretting my choices. The world holds a beautiful, new, glorious destiny, and everyday the flow of water reminds me.

Shy or weird?

12:28am, lying in bed, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, first day of December. Questions: Do I not put myself out there enough or is my worldview non-accessible? Am I strange or a hack? Am I shy or weird? Does what I say not appeal to a large audience or I am not trying/succeeding in reaching people? Do I suck? Do I have integrity or am I bizarre? What is synonym for esoteric? But not esoteric on purpose. Inadvertently esoteric?

Arrogance

8:52am Monday morning. How arrogant is it to be a “writer?” To say I can put words on a page in such a way that you will be impressed enough to pay me money? When I am at my default setting I write but what does that mean? It is a magnificent struggle to get just get started writing. And it is even more of a haul to produce something decent. The high of creating quickly abates. There is no real long term benefit for being a “writer.”

Rabbit hole

6:15am my mind is going down a rabbit hole. I am thinking about creativity and work. Three thoughts. 1- I hold on to work because I believe that is the source of my material. 2- I hold on to work because I don’t believe I can earn money and support my family without structure and external pressure. 3- I write to relieve tension caused by work. If tension is gone will I write? If structure is gone will I go broke? If work is gone what will I write about? That is where I am. That is how I function. But I am frustrated. Because I work so much and only write as a reaction to feelings caused by work I am limited. *ABRUPT MINDSET CHANGE I create engaging and interactive content. I devote my energy to delighting people who interact with what I create.